The story of being told 'you're a pain' even after I prepped meals and prepared for White Day

When I opened the fridge at his place,

“Oh, I haven't been eating proper meals lately.”

That’s what I thought.


Remembering that he

“I’ve just been eating out a lot lately.”

had said, I vaguely stopped by the supermarket,


vaguely put potatoes in my basket,

and vaguely bought some chicken, too.

Before I knew it, I had been standing in the kitchen for three hours.

As I packed the food into containers, I thought,

“If he sees this, maybe he’ll think about cherishing me a little more.”


…I didn’t say it out loud, though.


I was, at least a little, expecting it.

—

It was the same with White Day.


“I wonder what I should do about gifts for the office...”

He said that lightly, so I said,


“Then, should I pick them out for you?”

I offered.


Even though he didn’t ask me to.


I looked at reviews online,
considered the budget,
and even did the wrapping.


I wanted to be the “capable girlfriend.”


Because I wanted to be loved properly.

—

But.

When I heard that he had driven a girl he was close with at work home

after a drinking party.

My heart gave a sharp, heavy thud for a moment.

“Why her?”

Before I could even put it into words,

a story started playing out in my head on its own.

The two of them looking like they were having fun.
The sight of them walking side-by-side on the way home.
Conversations I knew nothing about.

In an instant, I became“the one who lost.”So I ended up saying it.


“Why her, of all people?”


“Are you thinking about how I feel?”
“You can’t blame me for being suspicious, right?”
After a silence, he sighed and said,

“Ugh, forget it. You’re such a pain.”

In that moment.

A cold chill ran deep through my chest.

Huh?

Am I a pain?


Even after I tried so hard?

—

What really hurt back then

wasn't being called “a pain,”

but “myself, who hadn't been rewarded.”

I thought about it so much.
I was so considerate.
I love him and devote myself to him so much.

Why am I not
the one being cherished?


Don't you have this feeling?


Even though you devote yourself, you have a weak position.

Even though you are kind, your anxiety increases.

—

The effort to be loved was not the effort to be loved.


This is an important point.

I had always thought,
“If I do things right, I’ll be loved.”

Make meals.
Be thoughtful.
Suppress my anxiety.


But in reality.

Behind all of that,

was “So please make me feel secure.”


This is the “invisible invoice.”

Prepped meals
→ I want you to cherish me for caring even about your health

White Day preparation
→ I want you to prioritize me for taking on your troublesome tasks

Patience
→ I want you not to make me suspicious because I’m being patient


Even though I thought it was selfless love,

deep down in my heart, I was properly
seeking a “return.”

That’s why, when he didn’t act as I expected,

I felt betrayed.

—

The one who is chasing, even though they think they aren't

The one who is devoting themselves,
at first glance, seems to have composure.

But it’s actually the opposite.

They are measuring their own value by the other person’s reaction.

Fast reply → I’m okay
Slow reply → I’m anxious

He is kind → Relief
He is cold → Falling apart

This is already
a state where love has become a “test of self-worth.”

That’s why it’s painful.

That’s why the anxiety won’t stop.

—

That day’s “you’re a pain” was a sign

It’s not that he is bad,
or that I am bad.

The structure was just distorted.

I was standing on the side of “trying hard to be loved.”

So, I was always in a position of looking up from below.

No matter how much I devoted myself,
a day where I could feel secure never came.

But one day, I realized.

The problem isn't the prepped meals.
The problem isn't the White Day preparation.

My own stance of “I’ll be loved by doing this.”

That was everything.

—

The trigger for being able to break free

wasn't so much “I stopped devoting myself,”

but rather I removed love from the center of my life.

I stopped waiting for his schedule,
and started making my own plans first.

When I was anxious,
instead of texting him right away, I went for a walk first.

Instead of “What if he hates me?”
I thought about “What do I want to do?”


At first, it was scary.


I wondered what would happen if we drifted apart like this.

But strangely enough,
when my heart became quiet,
his attitude started to change.


When I stopped chasing,
he started coming to me.

—

For those who seriously want to break free from their current anxious relationship.


Why you aren't loved the more you devote yourself.
How you can return to the “side that is chosen.”
What to do when anxiety comes back.

I have written the answer to this in a paid note.

It is explained concretely, including the order,
so that you can put it into practice immediately,
and it is a method proven by myself and those I have consulted.

It is the note that follows.
If you are interested, please try reading at least the free part.

This is not for those who want to make him turn around right now.

But,

・I don't want to be called “a pain” anymore
・I want to end a love where I devote myself but am not rewarded
・I want to have a love where I can feel secure

If you are thinking that.

The one to change is not him.


It is your stance.


If you are packing containers in the kitchen
while expecting something, just like I was that day.

Isn't it about time you graduated?