I tried changing 'Why are you angry?' to 'I want you not to be angry'
When I'm in a bad mood, my daughters frequently ask me, 'Why are you angry?' They ask me this even when I'm not actually angry, just whenever I'm not smiling. In response, I would say, 'I'm not angry,' while feeling a sense of anger rising up, creating a vicious cycle.
I have struggled with this problem for many years, but things have recently calmed down, so I'd like to share the method I used.
Why do they say 'Why are you angry?'
I thought about why they say that in the first place, when they say it, and why it makes me feel uncomfortable when they do. When I'm told that, I feel like I'm being blamed. I feel as if I'm being told, 'You shouldn't be angry.'
But for a child...
They want Mom to be smiling.
They feel anxious because Mom isn't smiling.
For a child, 'Why are you angry?' might be the best way they can express themselves.
They aren't trying to blame me. I've started to feel that way.
What I tried
So, I decided to be honest and make a request to my children.
I asked them, 'When you say "Why are you angry?" it makes me feel bad, so I'd like you to say "I want you not to be angry" instead.'
I even added, 'If you say it cutely, my anger will just disappear!'
I did this when I was in a good mood and had some emotional space, in a joking manner.
My daughters started competing to see who could say 'I want you not to be angry' the most cutely (laughs). Since then, that phrase has appeared much more often.
The results of changing it to 'I want you not to be angry'
Even when I am truly angry, if they say 'I want you not to be angry,' I sometimes think that I don't need to be that angry, or there are times when I can honestly explain the reason for my anger by saying, 'Because such and such happened.'
And when I'm not actually angry, I can tell them, 'I'm not angry at all' or 'It's okay,' with sincerity, and when I have the capacity, with a little smile.
Since making this change in phrasing, I feel like my children have also started using softer language, like 'I want you to do this' or 'I'd be happy if you did this.'
Of course, there are times when it doesn't go well.
I'll take it slow and look at the big picture. There's no need to rush.
I want to continue searching for the best way to interact with my children.