On nights when I feel like sending a 'sorry for no reason,' I didn't actually want to apologize.
'Sorry for no reason'
There are nights when I feel like sending that.
The other person doesn't reply.
They've read it.
But they don't reply.
The conversation ended with a short message.
I feel like the atmosphere has changed somehow.
When that happens,
I suddenly feel like I was in the wrong.
'Did I say something weird?'
'Was I too intense?'
'Was I annoying?'
'Did I make them feel bad?'
Even though nothing was said,
a self-reflection meeting begins in my head.
And in the end,
these words come out.
'Sorry for no reason'
But in reality,
maybe I don't actually want to apologize.
In reality,
I just want to confirm that I'm not hated.
I just want to know that things are still okay.
I just blamed myself
for the other person's silence.
'Sorry for something' can look like an apology,
but sometimes it's actually a word of anxiety.
When a reply doesn't come, I start to feel like I did something wrong.
During the time I'm waiting for a reply,
I start searching for reasons in my own mind.
Are they busy?
Are they asleep?
Are they tired?
At first, I can think that way.
But as time passes,
it gradually starts to look like it's my fault.
Was the way I said that earlier bad?
Did I ask too many questions?
Were there too few emojis?
Or conversely, was I too intense?
The reason for no reply,
I don't actually know yet.
But on anxious nights,
I end up blaming myself, the person closest to me.
Before considering the other person's circumstances,
I end up searching for my own flaws.
'They aren't replying because I was in the wrong.'
Thinking that is painful.
But somewhere, I also feel a little relieved.
If I make it my fault,
it gives me a reason.
A silence that I can blame on myself,
feels more bearable,
than a silence with no reason at all.
But that wears you down.
The fact that you didn't get a reply and the fact that you are at fault are not the same thing.
'Sorry for bothering you' can sometimes make you feel small.
'Sorry for bothering you'
When you send these words, what are you actually apologizing for?
For sending a message?
For having feelings?
For waiting for a reply?
For feeling anxious?
For directing your feelings toward someone?
If you are apologizing for something you don't need to apologize for, I want you to stop for a moment.
You might have just wanted to have a conversation.
You might have just sent a normal message.
You might have just felt lonely.
You might have just felt anxious.
Even so, just because there is no reply, are you trying to apologize for your very existence?
'Sorry for sending this when I'm someone like me'
'Sorry for being too much'
'Sorry for liking you'
'Sorry for caring'
Are you making yourself small
like that?
Apologizing is important.
If you truly hurt someone,
it is necessary to apologize properly.
But,
you don't need to be the first to apologize
every time there is silence from the other person.
If you keep apologizing in situations where you don't need to,
your standing in the relationship will gradually become lower.
And someday,
you will even become afraid to simply say you are lonely.
In truth, you just wanted to ask, 'Are you not angry?'
Behind the 'sorry for something,'
there are probably other words.
'Are you not angry?'
'Do you not dislike me?'
'Do you not think I'm strange?'
'Are we still okay?'
'Do you not think I'm a burden?'
But, it is scary to ask that.
Because you might be thought of as heavy.
Because you might be thought of as a nuisance.
Because you might look like someone who wants attention.
So, you put it in the form of an apology.
'Sorry for something'
If you apologize,
the other person might respond kindly.
It's totally fine.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not mad.
If I could be told that,
I could feel a little relieved.
But sometimes, rather than an apology,
those words are just a way to get reassurance.
I'm not apologizing because I did something wrong,
I'm apologizing because I want proof that I'm not hated.
That 'sorry' in that moment,
while it seems to protect you,
can end up making you suffer later.
Even if you get a reply, you become anxious again.
After sending 'Sorry for some reason,'
you might get a reply from the other person.
It's okay.
Don't worry about it.
I'm totally fine.
In that moment, I feel a little relieved.
But sometimes, I start to feel anxious again.
Are they really okay?
Did I make them feel like they had to be considerate?
Did I make myself seem even more annoying?
Should I not have sent that 'sorry'?
That's how,
I start worrying about myself even after I've apologized.
The words I sent to stop my anxiety,
become a new source of anxiety.
This is quite painful.
Before sending it,
it was painful that there was no reply.
After sending it,
even 'myself for having apologized' becomes painful.
Therefore,
please be a little careful with the 'sorry' you send when you are anxious.
Do you really want to apologize?
Or,
do you want to feel reassured?
Just by looking at this,
the words you send will change.
Things to ask yourself before apologizing
If you feel like sending a 'sorry for no reason,'
please ask yourself just once before sending it.
What am I trying to apologize for?
Did I really hurt the other person?
Or, am I blaming myself for the lack of a reply?
Do you want to apologize?
Do you want them to reassure you?
After sending this one message,
will I really feel relieved?
Or,
will I just end up waiting for the other person's reaction even more?
It is not too late even after looking at this.
If there is something you truly need to apologize for,
you should apologize properly.
But,
if you are just anxious
and only want confirmation that you aren't hated,
it is sometimes better to protect yourself
in a different way than saying 'sorry'.
For example,
write it in a memo instead of sending it right away.
I am scared right now because I think I am disliked.
I am blaming myself for the lack of a reply.
In truth, I want you to tell me that it's okay.
Just writing that down creates a little bit of distance.
a little bit of distance.
Before projecting your anxiety onto the other person,
take it in for yourself just once.
That is not about holding back.
It is time to protect yourself.
If you still want to convey it, use words that don't put yourself down.
Of course,
it doesn't mean you should just keep quiet and endure it.
There are times when it is okay to say you were anxious.
There are relationships where it is okay to say you felt lonely.
However, at those times,
you don't have to use words that put yourself down too much.
Sorry for bothering you.
If you only say that,
it can create a premise that you are the one at fault.
If you are going to convey it,
for example, a form like this
might be less likely to hurt you.
I was a little anxious because there was no reply.
I don't mean to blame you, but I felt a little lonely.
I would be happy if you could reply when you've settled down.
It doesn't have to be right now, but I would feel relieved if we could talk.
This is not necessarily the only correct answer.
It depends on your relationship with the other person.
But,
rather than apologizing for things you don't need to apologize for,
I want you to choose words that don't make your own feelings feel too small.
What's important in love
isn't just choosing words that won't make the other person dislike you.
After you send them,
it's about choosing words that won't make you dislike yourself.
Not getting a reply and you being at fault are two different things.
When you don't get a reply,
you start wanting to blame yourself.
When you're left on read,
you feel like your words were bad.
When the reply is short,
you feel like you were being too heavy.
But, please don't forget.
Not getting a reply and
you being at fault are two different things.
The fact that they aren't replying right now and
the fact that you are a nuisance are two different things.
An unread message is not your score.
Being left on read is not a judgment of your worth.
A short reply is not a measure of your charm.
On nights when you feel like sending 'Sorry for some reason,'
you are more likely to drift toward blaming yourself.
But,
with that unread message,
please don't leave your own worth unread as well.
With that read receipt,
please don't leave your own worth on read as well.
Before you apologize,
I just want you to check if you aren't blaming yourself too much.
About the notebook to read before sending a follow-up message
On nights when you feel like sending a follow-up message,
I created a notebook you can open just once before you send it.
A note to read before sending a follow-up text
A guide to resetting relationship anxiety so you don't break yourself on nights when there's no reply
This note contains:
・The real reason you want to send a follow-up text
・A 10-item checklist to review before sending
・How to handle unread messages, read receipts without replies, and short replies
・LINE messages that are okay to send / messages you shouldn't send
・A 7-day exercise to bring yourself back on nights spent waiting for a reply
・An emergency memo template for when you feel the urge to send a follow-up
I have included these.
This is not a note to tell you not to send it,
but a note to help you return to yourself before you do.
This is not a note to manipulate the other person,
but a note to ensure you don't break yourself
on nights when no reply comes.
The introductory price of 980 yen
has been extended for 7 days
because I want it to reach those who need it a little more.
I am leaving this here as a place you can open just once
before you send that text on a night you need it.
Today's emergency memo
If you feel like sending a 'Sorry for bothering you' text,
please ask yourself this just once before you send it.
Do I really want to apologize?
Or,
do I just want to confirm that they don't hate me?
Did I hurt the other person?
Or,
am I blaming myself for the lack of a reply?
You don't have to make yourself small
over things you don't need to apologize for.
The fact that there is no reply
and the fact that you are at fault are two different things.
Even on nights when no reply comes,
please do not abandon yourself.