When I send 'Reply whenever you can,' I actually wanted a reply right away

"Reply whenever you can."

I have sent that before.

Words that make it look like I'm being considerate of the other person.
Words that make me look like someone who is composed.
Words I chose so as not to be heavy, not to be a burden, and not to be disliked.

But, the truth was different.
In reality, I wanted a reply right away.
I wanted to feel at ease right away.
I wanted you to tell me "it's okay" right away.

While saying "whenever is fine," I was holding my smartphone the whole time in my heart.

Pretending not to be waiting for a reply, I was waiting for one more than anyone else.

That version of myself was a little painful.

"Whenever is fine" doesn't actually mean whenever is fine.

"Reply whenever you can."

These words are kind.
They don't rush the other person.
They consider the other person's schedule.
They make me look composed.

However, when you are prone to anxiety in a relationship, there are times when a different, true feeling is hidden behind these words.

In truth, I want a reply right away.
In truth, I don't want to be left hanging.
In truth, I don't want to be put on the back burner.
In truth, I want to be reassured before I get anxious.

But, if I said such things, I'm afraid I'd be seen as heavy, so I can't say them.
So, I change them into kind words.

'Reply whenever you can'

But if you find yourself checking the chat screen over and over after sending that, it might not truly mean 'whenever' in the real sense.

You might have just hidden your true feelings in a way that the other person cannot see.

LINE messages that pretend to be kind only end up hurting you later

Being considerate of others is not a bad thing.

It is important to be mindful of someone who is busy.
Not rushing for a reply is also a form of thoughtfulness.
However, the problem is when you act as if your true feelings do not exist at all.

'It's okay'
'Don't worry about it'
'Don't push yourself'
'Reply whenever you can'

If you can truly remain calm after sending words like these, that is fine.

But if you feel distressed after sending them, there is a true feeling there that you are pretending not to see yourself.

You say 'don't worry' while worrying about it the whole time.
You say 'it's okay' while it is not okay at all.
You say 'don't push yourself' while actually wanting them to push themselves just a little to reply.
You say 'reply whenever' while checking your phone a few minutes later.

Such LINE messages might be kind to the other person.

But they are a little cruel to yourself.

Because you are swallowing your own true feelings and only giving the other person words that are convenient for them.

The more you play the role of someone who is 'not clingy,' the more clingy you become on the inside

People who are prone to anxiety in relationships often think, 'I don't want to be seen as clingy.'

So, they don't ask what they want to ask.
They don't say they are anxious.
They don't say they are lonely.
They don't say they want a reply.
They play the role of an understanding person so as not to burden the other party.

But interestingly, the more you hold back to avoid being clingy, the more clingy you become on the inside.

The anxiety you couldn't express remains.
The loneliness you swallowed piles up.
Because you held back, you become sensitive to the other person's smallest silences.
And in the end, you fall apart over a single unread message or a message left on read.

Not expressing your true feelings does not necessarily make you seem easygoing.
In fact, the more you keep hiding your true feelings, the more your anxiety may grow inside.

The more you act like someone who is 'not clingy,' the more clingy you become on the inside.
This is one of the patterns that makes you suffer in a relationship.

A text message that hides your true feelings will not reach the other person.

'Reply whenever you can.'

If you send that, the other person might take those words at face value.

'Okay, I'll reply later then.'
'It's not urgent.'
'They really are okay with it.'

They might think that.

But in your heart, it's different.

I want you to reply quickly.
I don't want to be left waiting.
I want you to care about me, even a little.
And yet, I'm telling the other person that 'whenever is fine.'

This creates a disconnect.

You send a message while hiding your true feelings.

The other person believes the surface-level words.

And then, the reply is late.

You get hurt.

You think, 'Why don't you understand?'

But from their perspective, they might have just done what they were told.

This isn't about you being in the wrong.

It's just that a text message that hides your true feelings will not be understood as your true feelings by the other person.

Feelings that are not expressed are generally not conveyed.
I understand the desire to be understood without saying anything.
But when you aren't understood, it is always you who gets hurt.

So, should I just say 'Reply right now'?

I don't want you to misunderstand me here; this isn't about saying 'reply right away' every single time.

The other person has their own circumstances.
They have work.
They have plans.
There are days when they are tired.
There are times when they can't reply immediately.

In a relationship, you shouldn't move the other person based solely on your own anxiety.
But that doesn't mean you have to pretend your true feelings don't exist.

What's important is not to blame the other person, but to honestly acknowledge your own state of mind.

Before you send 'Reply whenever you can,' ask yourself first.

Do I really think it's okay whenever?

Or am I saying that because I don't want to be seen as clingy?

How anxious am I really?
What am I asking of the other person?
Should I send it right now, or should I wait until I've calmed down a bit before communicating?

If you don't look at this and just reflexively send kind words, you will end up suffering later.

“Communicating without being clingy” does not mean erasing yourself

What is important in a relationship is how you say things.

If you lash out with your anxiety, it can become a burden to the other person.
But if you hide all your anxiety, you will break yourself.
Therefore, what you need is not 'patience,' but 'how to communicate.'

For example,

Instead of saying, 'Why won't you reply to me?'
say,

'I sometimes feel a bit anxious when I don't get a reply. I don't mean to rush you, but I'd be happy if you could reply when you have some free time.'

Instead of saying, 'Don't you like me anymore?'
say,

'I've been feeling a bit anxious lately because I felt some distance. I don't mean to blame you, but I'd feel relieved if we could talk a little.'

Instead of forcing yourself to act composed by saying 'Reply whenever you can,' say,
'No need to rush. But I'd feel relieved if you could send me a quick word when you're able to reply.'

This way, you don't blame the other person too much, and you haven't completely erased your own true feelings.

Communicating in a way that doesn't feel heavy doesn't mean asking for nothing at all.

It means shaping your feelings into a form that is easier for the other person to receive.

A checklist to look at before sending 'Reply whenever you can'

If you feel like sending 'Reply whenever you can' again, please look at these five points before you hit send.

1. Is it really okay whenever?

Can you truly wait?

Or are you just trying to hide the fact that you can't wait?

Check this.

2. Do you think you'll keep checking your phone after you send it?

If you think you will, there's a possibility that it's not actually okay whenever.

3. Are you being considerate of the other person? Or are you afraid of being disliked?

Consideration and anxiety are similar.

But they are different.

Look at whether it's for the other person's sake or to avoid being disliked.

4. What do you actually want them to say?

It's okay.
I'll reply properly.
I haven't stopped liking you.

Put into words what you actually want.

5. Do you need to send it right now?

The more anxious you are, the more you want to send it immediately.
But sometimes, just waiting 10 minutes can change the words you choose.
Even just looking at these five points before sending can reduce the number of messages that end up hurting you later.

The kinder you are, the easier it is to put your own true feelings last

People who send 'Reply whenever is fine' are probably kind people.

People who can consider the other person's convenience.
People who feel bad about rushing others.
People who don't want to be a burden.
People who are careful not to be seen as clingy.

However, the kinder you are, the more you might end up putting your own true feelings on the back burner.

You think about the other person's busyness.
You imagine the other person's feelings.
You try to reduce the other person's burden.
But you leave your own anxiety behind.
You pretend not to see your own loneliness.
You dismiss your own pain by saying, 'It's fine if I just endure it.'

If you keep doing that, one day, your heart will suddenly reach its limit.

You realize that while you said 'whenever is fine,' it wasn't fine at all.
You realize that while you said 'I'm okay,' you haven't been okay for a long time.
That is why I want kind people to value their own true feelings as well.
Caring for others and ignoring yourself are two different things.

You don't have to blame yourself for having true feelings

I want a reply.
I want to feel at ease quickly.
I get anxious when I'm left waiting.
I want to be treated a little more preciously.

You don't have to blame yourself for thinking those things.
Feeling anxious in a relationship is not a bad thing.
It is natural to want the person you like to respond to you.

However, if you send only polite words while ignoring those true feelings, you will end up hurting yourself.
Having true feelings and lashing out at the other person are different things.

First, it is enough to just acknowledge it within yourself.

I actually wanted a reply right away.
I was actually feeling lonely.
I was actually feeling anxious.
I actually wanted to feel reassured.

Acknowledge it.

You can think about whether or not to send that to the other person afterward.

If you keep being considerate of others without knowing your own true feelings, love will gradually become painful.

Finally

'Reply whenever you can'

If that is your true feeling, it is a kind thing to say.

But if you actually want a reply right away, yet you send that because you don't want to be disliked, I want you to pause for a moment.

You don't want to be a burden.
You don't want to trouble the other person either.
You just want to feel secure.
You are just afraid of the feeling of being ignored.
You just want to feel that you are still cherished.
Please, do not abandon those true feelings yourself first.
You don't have to erase yourself with kind words.
You don't have to pretend to be considerate and act as if your anxiety doesn't exist.
Do not let that unread message make your own value unread.
Do not let that read receipt make your own value ignored.

And do not leave your true feelings behind with that 'whenever you can'.

Unread/Read
A relationship organizer to keep you from getting depressed while waiting for a reply

Next article to read

Next time,

I want to think they are 'just busy,' but 'maybe they've lost interest' wins every time.

I will write on this theme.

When a reply is slow, why do people always look for the worst possible reason?

I will organize those movements of the heart.