The messages you send when you're anxious are the ones that haunt you later.

No reply.

I put my phone face down.

But I can't stop thinking about it.

I check it again.

No notifications.

I open the chat screen.

I reread the last message I sent.

Was that too intense?

I should have kept it lighter.

Maybe I phrased it weirdly.

Did they start to dislike me?

Even though it's just a lack of reply, the message I sent suddenly feels embarrassing.

A sentence that seemed perfectly normal a moment ago suddenly looks like a mistake.

And then, I think.

If I send one more message, maybe I can change the mood.

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

No need to reply if you're busy.

Don't worry about it.

Sorry about that.

Even though it seems like you're being considerate of the other person,
you might just be trying to erase your own anxiety.

Sometimes, you send messages when you're anxious,
not to reach the other person,
but to calm yourself down.

But, I want you to remember just one thing.

The messages you send when you're anxious
are the ones that will hurt you later.

When you're anxious, your words get a little distorted.

When people are anxious,
they cannot write calmly.

You end up sending words you wouldn't normally send.

You find yourself wanting to confirm things
that you wouldn't normally worry about.

The time you could normally wait
feels incredibly long.

That's why the content of your messages changes a little, too.

It becomes a confirmation disguised as kindness.

It becomes anxiety disguised as something lighthearted.

It becomes your true feelings disguised as a joke.

"It's totally fine."

In reality, it's not fine.

"Reply whenever you can."

In reality, I want it right now.

"Don't push yourself if you're busy."

In reality, I don't want you to put me last.

"Sorry about that."

The truth is, I just don't want you to hate me.

The words are gentle.

But underneath them, there is often fear.

That is why it hurts after you send it.

Because you know it yourself.

"That's not really what I wanted to say."

"But I had no choice but to send it like that."

"They might think I'm being clingy."

That is how the LINE message you sent becomes fuel for self-reproach.

You feel relieved the moment you send it. But the aftermath is long.

Sending follow-up messages or anxious texts only brings temporary relief.

Because you took some kind of action.

Because it feels like you aren't just waiting anymore.

Because it feels like you were able to do something about the silence.

But the problem is what comes after.

You wait for a reply again.

This time, it's even scarier than before.

Will they read it?

Will they reply?

Will the message sound cold?

Isn't it just a sticker?

Isn't it just a "I'm okay"?

Even though I sent the message to stop my anxiety, it just adds new anxiety.

Before sending it,

"Not getting a reply"

was painful.

After sending it,

"Myself for having sent it"

becomes painful too.

Self-loathing is added to the anxiety of waiting for a reply.

This is the hardest part.

Even though the other person hasn't said anything, I end up blaming myself over and over.

"Sorry for bothering you" can sometimes be a phrase that makes you feel small.

When I get anxious, I tend to want to apologize.

"Sorry for bothering you"

"Sorry if this is too much"

"Sorry for interrupting your busy time"

"Sorry if I said something weird"

Of course, there are times when you really should apologize.

But if you're only apologizing because of the anxiety of not getting a reply, I want you to stop for a moment.

You might have just sent a message.

You might have just had a normal conversation.

You might have just shown a little bit of your feelings to someone you like.

And yet,
just because there's no reply,
don't you feel like apologizing for your very existence?

“It's my fault because I sent it”

“It's my fault because I'm too much”

“It's my fault because I worry too much”

By doing that,
aren't you blaming yourself even for the other person's silence?

The fact that there is no reply
is not the same as you being at fault.

The fact that they haven't replied
is separate from you being an annoyance.

If you keep apologizing in situations where you don't need to,
you will gradually shrink within the relationship.

And someday,
you'll even be afraid to just say you're lonely.

Anxious messages wear you down more than they move the other person.

In messages sent when you're anxious,
there is a secret expectation.

“If I send this, maybe they'll reply”

“Maybe they'll worry about me”

“Maybe they'll make me feel secure”

“Maybe they'll be kind to me like before”

But there's no guarantee the other person will reply as you expect.

It might be a short message.

It might just be a sticker.

It might just be a read receipt.

It might be unread again.

At that moment, you will feel even more distressed.

"I shouldn't have sent it after all."

"I was the only one desperate."

"Maybe it's already over."

An anxious LINE message,
even if you intended to send it to get a reaction,
can end up wearing down your own heart.

Depending on the other person's reply,
your self-worth goes up and down.

When you reach that state,
love becomes an increasingly painful place.

A single notification brings you back to life.

A single unread message makes you sink.

A single read-but-ignored message,
and you feel like your entire self has been rejected.

But in reality,
you don't have to give that much away.

You don't have to entrust the control of your heart
solely to the other person's reply.

What I want you to look at before sending is not the "wording" but your "state of mind."

When you feel like sending a follow-up LINE,
most people think about the wording.

How can I send it so it doesn't look clingy?

How can I phrase it so it sounds natural?

How can I make them reply?

But what you really need to look at isn't the text itself.

It's your current state of mind.

You aren't sleeping.

You aren't eating.

You've been staring at your phone for hours.

You're checking the other person's social media.

You feel like you're about to cry.

Your chest feels tight.

Your head is filled with thoughts of being disliked.

A message sent in this state will always leak anxiety, no matter how you phrase it.

Even if you polish the sentences, you can't hide the pain underneath.

So, before you hit send, I want you to look at one thing just once.

"Do I actually want to talk to this person right now?"

"Or am I just trying to stop my own anxiety?"

There is a big difference between the two.

If you want to talk to them, you can wait until you've calmed down to send it.

But if you're just trying to stop the anxiety, you need to take care of yourself first.

Not sending a message right away is not a sign of weakness.

There are nights when not sending a message feels like losing.

But you're just holding back.

You're just enduring being treated poorly.

You feel pathetic for not being able to say what you want to say.

You might think that.

But that's not the case.

Not sending a message right now does not mean suppressing your true self.
It is not about stifling who you are.

It is about not handing your life over to your impulses.

It is about not taking your anxious self
to a place where you will be hurt even more.

Wait ten minutes.

Take a bath.

Drink some water.

Write it down in a memo.

Get ready for bed.

Put your phone on the charger.

All of these are
small acts of refuge.

No one will praise you for it, but
you are protecting yourself quite well.

A night where you didn't send a follow-up message
is not a night where you accomplished nothing.

It is a night where you chose not to break yourself.

If you still decide to send it, use words you would be comfortable showing your morning self.

I won't say
you must never send it.

Depending on the relationship,
there are times when it is better to check.

Sometimes it's better to say you're lonely.

A relationship where you keep holding back isn't necessarily the right answer either.

But if you are going to send something, I want you to write words that you can show your morning self, not just words written out of nighttime anxiety.

Are you blaming the other person too much?

Are you putting yourself down too much?

Are you apologizing for things you don't need to apologize for?

Is it a message that forces a reply?

Will you end up hating yourself after you send it?

I just want you to check these things.

What's important in love isn't just crafting a message that won't make the other person dislike you.

It's about choosing words that won't make you dislike yourself after you've sent them.

Don't blame yourself on nights when you don't get a reply

When you don't get a reply,
you feel anxious.

When you feel anxious,
you want to do something.

If you don't do something,
you feel like it will end just like this.

That's why you want to send a text.

But that one message,
doesn't necessarily save you.

In fact,
it can sometimes become fuel for blaming yourself later.

So, I want you to stop just once before you send it.

Is that text,
really what you want to convey to the other person?

Or is it just words to make your current anxiety disappear?

Even on nights when no reply comes,
please don't abandon yourself.

Just because it's unread,
don't leave your own worth unread too.

Just because it's read,
don't ignore your own worth.

The fact that there is no reply
is separate from your worth being low.

Today's Emergency Memo

If you feel like sending a message when you're anxious,
please look at this before you send it.

"Am I calm right now?"

"Will I feel even worse after I send this?"

"Am I apologizing for something I don't need to apologize for?"

"Do I want to blame the other person, or do I just want to feel secure?"

"Would the me of tomorrow morning still want to send this message?"

You don't have to send it right away.

You don't have to find the answer to tonight's anxiety
all by yourself tonight.

Closing the app
doesn't mean the relationship is over.

Even if no reply comes,
it doesn't mean your worth disappears.

Unread-message-waiter
A relationship organizer to keep you from getting sick while waiting for a reply

Next time, I will write about
a checklist you should see before sending a follow-up message.

To send, or not to send.

Just once before that,
I make a small checklist to bring myself back.