I Only Thought About Being Loved

Looking back now, in my life,
I only ever thought about being loved by others.

When I went to play at a classmate's house in nursery school,
they served "strawberry milk" as a snack.
I was bewildered by the way they ate the strawberries, which I was seeing for the first time,
and I felt like I was drowning in the sweetness of the sugar sprinkled on them.

As I stared intently at the strawberry milk, my friend's mother asked me, "What's wrong?"
When I asked, "How do you eat this?"
she taught me, "Crush them one by one with the back of your spoon."

The milk quickly dyed into a pale pink color.
As if it were a symbol of happiness.

—

After I started elementary school, when I went to play at a friend's house,
I was surprised that "everyone had their own room."

Her room was overflowing with things I didn't have,
and the pillowcase on her bed had a soft, pleasant scent of laundry.
In the first place, I didn't even know that you were supposed to wash pillowcases.
My pillow was covered in drool stains and didn't smell nice at all.

One night, when I got sick and threw up,
my mother scolded me fiercely, saying, "You have to wash that!"

At that time, I was able to sleep on good-smelling bedding for just a few days.
Even now, I love the smell of laundry.
I keep searching for that scent from back then, but I still haven't found it.

—

Speaking of towels, when I was in kindergarten, I was always holding a towel and smelling it.
A so-called "Linus blanket."
Because I would hold the edge of the towel to my nose and suck my thumb,
my front teeth are still quite buck-toothed. Should I have gotten braces?

If I could have gotten braces as easily as people do now when I was younger, I surely would have.
Young people these days spend a million yen on braces, but it really changes their faces.
I think it's amazing how much a person's appearance can change just because of their teeth.

If I had been born more beautiful, would my life have been different?

—

I've dated a few people,
but I was only truly happy when I could feel "loved" by them.

However, as the years went by, I stopped feeling love from the heart,
and then I would start seeking new love.

Is this just my selfishness?

Ruts are inevitable in relationships between lovers and married couples.
Perhaps people cannot love each other forever.

When you are together for a long time, you start to see the things you dislike about the other person.
Small things you could forgive while there was love,
you can no longer forgive once the love has cooled.

For example—
They didn't replace the toilet paper.
They went to sleep leaving the dishes in the sink.
Even when I ask them to do something, they don't move right away.

Even though it's just a pile of really small things,
I fall into the extreme thought that "it's because I'm not loved."

Perhaps it might be close to an illness.

—

What kind of love did I want?

A love that would stay with me forever?
A love that always conveys affection through words and actions?
A love that treats me like a princess?
A love that gently and calmly admonishes me?
A love where we can grow together?
A love where I can truly feel that I am loved?

—You gave me all of that luxurious love.
Yes, meeting you was truly a miracle.
I had finally obtained "true love."

—

For my sake, because I love animals,
one day, when you encountered a kitten,
you, who originally couldn't touch animals,
learned how to raise it on YouTube every day like a researcher,
and in the end, the kitten was more attached to you than to me.

When I asked you to give the cat its medicine on a day I was away,
you contacted me saying, "I was suddenly invited to a drinking party,"
but added, "I made sure to come home once, so it's okay! I also adjusted the temperature."
You were a person who did everything so carefully and straightforwardly like that.
You were truly like a Buddha.

I want to become an affectionate person I can respect, just like you.
I want to spend my days filled with love, as if to make up for my life until now.

—

Just as I was thinking that,
you disappeared from this world in an instant.

This world, which had looked rose-colored every day,
changed into a murky, dark world in just a single moment.
The pale light that had been shining in also faded away dimly.

—

With you,
we could make up for each other's flaws.
We could chase our dreams together.
No matter what we did, I was happy.
The world looked rose-colored.
I felt like I could do anything—

—

And now.
My mother, who built the "dark part" of my heart,
is also quietly reaching the end of her life.

For the past few years, even though she needed nursing care, she kept being selfish, saying "I want to be at home,"
and my younger sister was exhausted.
Without showing a shred of affection,
she would blurt out, "It's natural for children to look after their parents,"
and wouldn't even say a single "thank you."

When I said, "At least say thank you," she replied,
"I wasn't raised that way."

Watching the end of such a mother,
for some reason, I could only think of her as "pitiful."

Even though I had hated her so much.
Even though I had disliked her so much and been abused by her.
Watching my mother sleeping in pain, saying it hurts, it hurts,
I can only feel that she is miserable.

—

The "compassionate love" I learned from you,
I will share it with my mother as well.
Surely, my mother also really wanted love, didn't she?

A lack of affection is the same as a lack of physical nutrition,
causing malfunctions here and there.

—

After all, no matter what—
I want to feel love, be loved, and live.

For that, what should I do?