Series 4, Episode 5: Emotions That Came in Waves—What Happened to the 'Supposedly Calm' Me

Immediately after the damage, I
personally felt that I
was acting quite calmly.

Finding where to consult,
making the necessary contacts,
and thinking about how to respond from here on.

Of course, I felt anxious.
But at the time,
I think the feeling of
'I must act realistically first' was stronger.

That is why I
did not really think
that I had been damaged that severely.

But in reality,
my emotions
arrived quite late.

It was only after
the procedures and responses had started to progress to some extent.

In a fleeting moment,
the feeling that 'Ah, it is really over'
would suddenly wash over me.

Even if I spent my time normally while working or out,
the moment I was alone,
the sense of reality would suddenly become intense.

'Why did I at that time'
was a thought that
also crossed my mind many times.

If only I had stopped sooner.
If only I hadn't ignored the discomfort.
If only I had consulted someone.

Those 'what ifs'
are things I would think about repeatedly.

But at the same time,
there was also a feeling somewhere
that I could not completely blame my past self.

Because,
the me at that time
truly believed,
and was truly trying to rebuild things.

I did not intend to be deceived.
I was not being lazy either.

Rather,
it was precisely because I thought
'I have to do something about this'
that there were parts where I was taken advantage of.

It took time
until I was able to sort that out little by little.

And what I think now is that
the pain of being a victim of fraud
does not end just after the damage occurs.

Rather, later on,
emotions and reality
can sometimes catch up little by little.

I
strongly experienced that 'time lag'.

So if there is anyone now
who thinks, 'I might be surprisingly okay,'
I believe you do not have to force yourself to sort out your feelings.

For some people,
it may take quite a while
before the reality finally sinks in.

At the time,
I was so busy just trying to keep moving,
that 'feeling'
might have been put on the back burner.

Next time,
I will write about what I gradually began to see after the incident,
regarding 'why I fell for it'.