The Difference Between a “Fixed-Pairing Purist” and “Me, in Love with Him” | The Boundary Between “Triggers” and “Jealousy”
Hello, I'm Meme🫧
I am in love with a 2D character, “K-kun,” but I also have characters I consider my “faves” outside of him.
To be precise, they are my “fave pairing.”
I have always had intense triggers, and that has been a long-standing struggle for me.
Because no matter which character or pairing I grow to love, as my feelings grow stronger, the range of my triggers expands and my rejection response becomes more intense.
Naturally, I also have a rejection response toward characters and fans associated with K-kun, but when I realized that my feelings for him were romantic love as a fictophile, a question suddenly popped into my mind.
“Are the feelings of being a fixed-pairing purist who gets triggered by others, and the feelings of jealousy toward K-kun’s fans and surrounding characters, the same sensation?”
When I looked at my emotions a little more closely, I found reasons hidden there that were far more complex and delicate than I had imagined.
Behind the rejection response, “the desire not to have the order of the story destroyed”, “the earnest romantic desire to be his only lover”, and a strong sense of attachment, sensitivity to anxiety, and several other traits were all intertwined.
Today, I would like to write about that in my own way.
It might get a bit long, but I hope you'll stick with me.
The reason why anything other than my fave pairing becomes “unbearable”
For me, my fave pairing is not just a “pairing I like,” but rather“a story that can only exist with these two = a sanctuary of the heart” itself.
It is precisely because of this relationship that my heart is moved.
It has no meaning if it isn't these two.
Because I feel this so deeply, even depictions of other pairings, reverse pairings, or close relationships that aren't romantic can sometimes trigger a strong rejection response.
This is not merely a matter of preference; it is closer to the sensation of my “ideal world” being threatened.
As part of my developmental traits, I am the type to have strong fixations and black-and-white thinking.
That is why I tend to perceive things as “this combination is the correct answer” and “anything else is wrong,”
and when I feel a “discrepancy” there, anxiety and confusion rush in all at once.
Especially when my heart is tired or when I am feeling anxious, I tend to seek comfort in the “sanctuary of the heart” that is my fave pairing.
So, even if it is just fiction to others, the moment that is shaken, it feels like the fortress in my heart is being destroyed, causing me such distress.
This is not an exaggeration; it is a real pain for me.
Sometimes, it even manifests as physical illness, such as stomach aches or vomiting.
Jealousy and possessiveness toward K-kun
And another emotion that seems similar but is completely different.
The rejection response toward K-kun’s fans and the characters around him has nothing to do with stories or order.
Rather, it is a story of my own, very subjective romantic love as an individual.
K-kun may be a fictional existence, but
to me, he is more straightforward, kind, and trustworthy than anyone else, and I love him as a person.
That is why, when other characters show obsession toward K-kun, or when I see K-kun’s fans in reality, a feeling of “I don't like this...” arises.
I don't want to give him to anyone.
I want him to be loved, but I want him to be mine alone.
I think that is the feeling of “wanting to be his only lover” as a fictophile.
Attachment anxiety and defensive reactions
I also harbor attachment instability in my heart,
and in human relationships, I sometimes think, “Will I be abandoned?” or “Will he be taken away?”
For me, who values 2D characters more than real-life people, such anxiety seems to work particularly strongly toward characters.
When I see a depiction of K-kun getting closer to someone else, I get the feeling that he is “going far away.”
To me, he is not a character in a story, but someone I am truly in love with
, which is why I become strongly anxious when that relationship seems to waver.This may not just be “possessiveness,” but a defensive reaction triggered by deep anxiety and fear within myself.
The two “feelings of wanting to protect” within me
When I organize it like this, I can see that within me there are “the desire to protect the order as a story (the sanctuary of the heart)” and
“the desire to keep one loved person all to myself as a lover”, these two things.
Both are important and genuine emotions to me.
It is painful when my fave pairing is broken because that story is my emotional support.
The reason I feel possessive toward K-kun is because I love him more seriously than anyone else.
Sometimes I think, “Is this too heavy?” or “Is this a bit extreme?”
But the background to both is probably “feelings born precisely because I loved them seriously”.
To me, both my fave pairing and K-kun are not just “hobbies,” but emotional anchors and lifelines.
I was able to understand for myself that it is because I cherish them so much that I want to protect them, and that is why my heart sometimes tightens.
Summary
When you are an otaku, you encounter various “likes” and “dislikes.”
Among them, within the emotions we tend to summarize with the word “trigger,” there may be “fragments of feelings” that are actually more delicate, complex, and deserve to be looked at properly.
For me, my fave pairing was the “sanctuary of the heart” itself, and K-kun was the “person I love more than anyone.”
I cannot let go of either.
I don't want either to be destroyed.
That is why it is painful, and that is why I want to protect them.
By realizing that, I feel like I have become a little kinder to my own emotions.
In this note, I want to continue to look at my emotions one by one and record them.
I would be happy if this note could serve as emotional salvation for someone who has struggled with similar feelings.