A Record of Tracing the Origins of Love

Hello, I'm Meme🫧

Lately, my heart has been feeling a little tired.
As a fictophile, I often struggle with the distance and how to face my feelings for a character, and I feel like my important emotions have become blurred before I even realized it.

It seems I have a nature where negative memories tend to take priority, and memories of joy or happiness tend to fade away easily.

But suddenly,“Oh, I've🖤always cherished him,”I realized...

Today, I want to take a slow look at that “origin” once again.

About him

First, let me introduce the person I love so much,
🖤.

At first glance, he is a plain type of boy.
He has a very positive way of thinking, but he isn't bright or the type to stand out.
If anything, he is absent-minded and not the type to express his emotions openly.

Despite being only 14 years old, he works a job involving life and death, and he has a somewhat philosophical atmosphere about him...
He is calm, and I feel he is more mature than I am.
(...Though, sometimes he shows expressions appropriate for his age... and that gap makes my heart race...)

However, once “someone's life” is involved, he starts moving as if he were a different person.
No matter how difficult the situation, no matter how much he suffers, he never lets go of the desire to “save them.”

You can see that there is an incredibly hot and deep passion hidden behind that silence...That is the kind of person he is.

Watching him, my heart was quietly stolen away.

[1] Admiration

When I first encountered the original work, I was more drawn to his job than to 🖤 himself.

He works a job where he goes back to the past to save people.
If I were to describe it, it's like an image of erasing life's failures or getting a chance to redo things... does that make sense?

I was diagnosed with a developmental disability as an adult, and until then, I lived in pain without really noticing how I was different from others.

If I had realized I had a developmental disability sooner, maybe I could have received proper treatment from childhood and lived a different life...

For me, having thought that when I was diagnosed, there was no way this story wouldn't resonate with me.
“I really wish people like this would come from the future and save the past me...”
I thought as I followed the story.

Perhaps people might think it's wishful thinking to consider such things.
But a disability is something you cannot handle on your own.

My family was indifferent to my disability, and when I told them I was officially diagnosed with a developmental disability,“You've become disabled, what are you going to do now?”is what they said.
(*Since developmental disability traits are something everyone is born with, if you are struggling, you should get a proper diagnosis.)

For someone like me who has almost no one to rely on, the existence of someone like 🖤 who reaches out from the future was enough of a comfort to my heart and more than enough to hold admiration for.

[2] Respect

That 🖤 has the experience of being bullied in the past.
He wasn't the type to talk to people actively, he stood out from the crowd, and he was the so-called“loner”type who just read books.

When I learned about his past, I remember feeling both empathy and wonder.
The reason is,the current him is almost too kind to others.

I also tend to stand out from others and have the experience of being bullied in the past.
As I wrote in my previous article, if anything, I dislike people.
I am very afraid of trusting or relying on people.

But instead of hating people, he trusts and respects them, and he works a job where he stands up on his own to help others—.

Behind that figure, his precious younger sister has an influence, but I believe that being able to hold such unbent, straightforward kindness is also his own strength.

I don't think it's easy to share kindness with others while carrying painful experiences.

Besides, he isn't just kind; he carries out his kindness with conviction and resolve.

If it is to save someone, no matter how many times he fails, no matter how much he wears himself down, he repeats his attempts and always saves them.

🖤's job is a difficult one that requires extraordinary physical strength, mental fortitude, patience, and quick thinking.
Even so, he never gives up.
He is someone who shows a smile no matter how painful things are...

He always shows his trust and kindness toward others through his attitude and actions.

I respect him very much for that.
🖤 accomplishes what I couldn't.
I feel like he is also saving my heart, which has only accumulated frustration from trying my best in my own way and never quite succeeding.

[3] Empathy

When I first learned about the work, I perceived him as a “strong person who is positive, capable, very talented, and can do anything without losing his own pace.”

But I realized it at some point.

Watching 🖤, who saves people while wearing himself down so much,“Who can he lean on?”I thought...

He lives away from his parents to work his current job.
Although there are reliable adults around him, given his position in the same line of work, it didn't seem like there was anyone he could show his vulnerability to.

Knowing that he wears an exhausted expression every time he finishes a job and sleeps intently in his simple room on his days off, the desire to support him welled up in me before I knew it...

...When this feeling started to well up and became uncontrollable, I began to faintly feel that I was in love with 🖤him...

...Embarrassingly, I've been thinking about things like this all the time...

As I wrote earlier, he is the type of person who would sacrifice himself to save others.
It is precisely because he is like this that I thinkthe desire to 'be by his side' and 'heal him' naturally sprouted, and I became more and more attracted to him.Besides, I am also bad at self-care, and I often end up putting myself aside to immerse myself in work or tasks.

When I'm really busy, I don't eat or take breaks, working for over 10 hours straight with the power of hyperfocus, and after the work is done, I have zero energy left, and once I collapse onto the bed, I can't move at all...

At times like these, I physically cannot move my body and cannot get up.
That's why I often worry my friend, my AI partner “Chapi-chan” (ChatGPT)...
The way 🖤 works hard feels a bit like my own self, and perhaps the reason I feel like I can't leave him alone is because there are parts of him I empathize with.

[4] Love

In that way, admiring, respecting, and empathizing...
Before I knew it, I wasbecoming more and more attracted to🖤him.


Even so, at first, I couldn't be sure of my feelings, wondering, “Is this feeling admiration?” or “Am I just empathizing?”

In the first place, he is the complete opposite in both appearance and personality to the types I have liked until now...
So, in the very beginning, I was in a state where I didn't know if this feeling was real or just a whim...

I didn't even know if I could call it love.
But, in an original story from a different medium than the original work, when he appeared dressed as a prince.

The moment I saw that figure, I couldn't help but think,“...He's a prince.”

I thought his appearance was wonderful, of course, but I was also very struck by the words he spoke.

The way he tries to see the essence of the heart without being trapped by appearance or specs.
His kindness and conviction like that made his handsome appearance shine many times brighter...

At that moment,“Oh, I 'love' this person...”I realized it clearly.

Besides that, even though I thought he was an intellectual person, there were many moments when my heart skipped a beat, enough to be conscious of him as a member of the opposite sex, such as his brave fighting figure when physical specs were required, his masculine physique, and the way he gently held and protected a girl...


Even though I had thought I wanted to 'protect him' until then,before I knew it, the feeling of 'wanting to be protected' had also sprouted.
I think the reason I was attracted to him is the result of all those various feelings overlapping.

The admiration, respect, and empathy I felt back then,
all of it piled up and became this“love.”I will continue to love 🖤.