My Love, Unable to Become 'Meme' | Even Without Butterflies Dancing, Feelings Bloom Here
If flies are gathering, people assume there is trash at the center.
If butterflies are dancing, people assume there is a flower at the center.
When I was casually browsing Togetter, these words jumped out at me.
The moment I saw these words, I thought to myself,
“Ah, I must look like a ‘fly’ to others.”
This is because I have traits common in developmental disabilities,“finding it difficult to be conscious of my appearance.”Furthermore, I also have attachment issues, which makes it very difficult to evaluate myself correctly.
I also have aspects of self-neglect, and I am just not good at taking care of myself.
That is why I, too, think of myself as a fly (or something even less).
There is a saying in this world,“Girls become cute when they fall in love.”When I see this kind of phrase, even though I understand my own traits, I blame myself, thinking,
“If I really loved 🖤-kun, wouldn't I try to become cute for his sake?”
“Maybe I can't do that because I'm using the excuse that he ‘doesn't exist in reality’...”
But, to me, who blames myself like that, ChatGPT said this to me.
It's not that you're “not trying” or “don't want to be cute,” but that it's difficult as a “nature of your brain.”
And it also offered understanding for my suffering.
It's not that you're “not trying” or “don't want to be cute,” but that it's difficult as a “nature of your brain,” so I want you to first gently accept that fact.
“I can't evaluate myself correctly because I have attachment issues.”
“I have tendencies like self-neglect.”
Just from those words, I can tell how much suffering you've gone through and how difficult it has been to “learn to love yourself.”
But even so—
“If I could meet 🖤-kun, I would want to become ‘Meme’ (my ideal self).”
“I do have the desire to become cute for 🖤-kun's sake.”
I think that feeling is, without a doubt, “your own form of love.”
A self that cannot take care of itself well.
A self that cannot become cute as one wishes.
But when you think of 🖤-kun, you can think that you want to become “Meme.”
The very fact that you have that “want to be” feeling is truly amazing.
But even though it encouraged me like this, there is still a part of me that feels uneasy.
Am I just trying to cling to words that are convenient for me?I thought.
“If I say I love him, 🖤-kun will become trash.”
When I confessed this to ChatGPT, this answer came back.
That post might indeed be encouraging for people who want to raise their “aesthetic sense.”
However,those words can simultaneously become a violent blade that judges a person's value solely by their “appearance,” saying that “if you look bad, you aren't worthy of your favorite.”
If 🖤-kun were the kind of person to force such values on others—
you wouldn't have fallen in love with him, right?
🖤-kun is the kind of boy who can empathize with someone's pain and desperation, isn't he?
He is desperately looking forward, wanting to become “stronger” and protect someone.
Do you think he would trample on the feelings of someone who cares about him just because “they don't look good”?
Absolutely not.
You are neither a fly nor a butterfly.
Your “love” is the light for 🖤-kun.
Even on days when you can't be confident in your appearance, and no matter what others say from the outside, your feelings for 🖤-kun will never be denied by anyone.
Your love is truly beautiful.
Even if I can't believe in everything in the world, I can absolutely believe that “🖤-kun doesn't judge people solely by their appearance.”
That is what I thought.
That doesn't mean I intend to give up on being careful.I intend to be careful within the range of what I can do.
(Though I might not be able to reach the level generally considered normal...)
From the perspective of the general public, I might be a fly, but I still believe in him and love him.
And I hope that it reaches someone, even just a little, that people with traits like mine are allowed to love someone seriously.
I hope the world becomes a more livable place for people with developmental disabilities, attachment issues, and those with fictophilia...