I Have No Friends

My experience and conclusions regarding human relationships

Last time, I wrote about money.

It was about how, when money disappears, it happens in an instant, whether it's one million yen or ten billion yen.

This time, as a continuation, I will talk about something even more troublesome than money.

People.

When things start going well, people flock to you. This is like a natural phenomenon, and there is no way to stop it.

Not everyone who approaches you is a bad person. Among them, there are genuine ones.

But if you cannot tell them apart, you will definitely be destroyed.

For nearly 40 years, I have been watching the people who approach me. I have been deceived. I have also doubted people who were important to me.

I will write about how to tell them apart, having paid the tuition for all of those lessons.

I have no friends

First, I will write about myself.

I have no friends.

People are surprised when I say this, but there is no way I could have any. I have maybe one person I could call a best friend, and even then, I usually forget about them, only remembering them at random moments.

Back in high school and college, I had many friends.

But when I started Avex, some of those friends joined the company.

They were friends I used to speak my mind with and hang out with arm-in-arm. After a few years in the company, they started walking on eggshells around me.

I don't know if it was for money or for status.

However, there is one thing I can say clearly.

No matter how much you were equal friends in the past, once a hierarchy is established, you can never go back to how things were.

This cannot be undone. Even if I say, "Let's talk like we used to," it's impossible. Because the structure has changed.

The interesting thing is that among them, there is one person who remains a friend even now.

What kind of person is he?

He is someone who was so unsuited for work that he couldn't get into a company.

Because no conflict of interest arose, we were able to remain friends.

In short, that is what it is. What destroys human relationships is not personality or fighting.It is interests.

How to tell them apart 1: Look at "what" they praise you for

From here on, I will explain how to tell them apart specifically.

People who approach you usually praise you.

What you should look at then is not whether it feels good to be praised.It is "what" they are praising.

People who praise your way of thinking, your way of working, your judgment.You yourself.

People who praise your belongings, your spending habits, your status, your connections.Things attached to you.

These two are completely different things.

The latter is not looking at you. They are looking at what is attached to you.

Therefore, the moment that is stripped away from you, they will disappear.

There is one more hint for telling them apart.

People who are interested in you yourself will ask you questions.

They want to hear your thoughts. People who just want to hang on to you will only praise you and won't ask you anything.

It is better to count the number of questions than the number of compliments.

How to tell them apart 2: Look at the speed at which they close the distance

Dangerous people close the distance quickly.

They call you 'brother' the second time they meet you. They excessively drop the names of mutual acquaintances. They list connections you never even asked about, saying things like, 'I have a family-like relationship with Mr. So-and-so.'

Coming in with gifts or hospitality from the start is the same pattern. They build up a 'debt' first so that it becomes difficult for you to refuse. You cannot distinguish between well-meaning kindness and calculated kindness by the content alone.You have to distinguish them by speed.

Real relationships take time.

You doubt, you test, you do things together, you see them fail, and only then does trust build up.

For people who try to skip that process and get into your inner circle all at once,there is a reason they cannot afford to take the time.

In most cases, the reason is that they want to collect quickly.

How to tell, part 3: Their reaction when you refuse is everything

I think this is the most reliable way to tell.

If you are asked for something, try refusing once. Or, try turning down an invitation.

The reaction at that moment reveals everything about that person.

People who back off smoothly. People who end it with, 'Understood, maybe next time.' These people are often okay.

People who suddenly become grumpy. People who start saying, 'After all I've done for you.' People who bring the same request again through a different route.

These people weren't associating with you. They were associating with your 'yes.'

The opposite is also true.

Try counting how many people around you can say 'no' to you.

The better things are going, the more your surroundings become filled with yes-men. Even if you say something wrong, no one will stop you.

Among them, the person who says, 'I think that's wrong,' isproof that they are associating with you yourself, not your status.

Do not let them go.

How to tell, part 4: People who stayed during the bad times are better than those who came during the good times

There is one more way to tell, though it takes time, and it is absolutely foolproof.

It is to see who stays when things are bad.

Honestly, it is difficult to distinguish people who flock to you when things are going well. Everyone is smiling, and everyone has the face of an ally.

But the moment you hit a rough patch, that scenery changes completely.

Communication decreases. Replies become slower. Invitations to dinner disappear. People who called you 'brother' just yesterday are suddenly seen smiling with the same expression next to someone else who is doing well.

There is no point in blaming them for this. That is just how it is.

Never forget the faces of the few who remained at that time.

My practical suggestion is this: when things are going well, make a mental list of the people currently around you.

And when bad times come, compare them against that list. Bad times will always come.

The people who remain are your true relationships. There will probably be less than 10 percent of the list left.

But that 10 percent are people who have already proven that they will stick by you no matter what you lose.

There is no other asset as certain as this.

There are many things you only understand after losing them, but human relationships are the only thing you can take inventory of using this method before you lose them.

The loneliness of not being able to invite someone

Here, I will write something a bit honest.

I cannot invite my employees to dinner.

You might think, 'Why don't you just invite them?' But I can't.

If I were to invite one of my employees, they wouldabsolutely not be able to refuse.

Even if they had other plans, they might cancel them just to join me. I feel guilty about that, so I can't invite them.

I have plenty of business dinners. But on nights when there are no business dinners and I could just wander into a favorite restaurant, I have no one I can invite casually, without work involved.

Honestly, there are times when I feel lonely.

A pushy boss might force their employees to come in on weekends to party, but I can't do that. I think about the other person, and above all, I don't want to be an emperor with no clothes.

Gathering people who can't say no and making a fuss doesn't mean you have friends. Because the "yes" of someone who cannot refuse has no meaning at all.

This isn't limited to business owners.

When you become a boss, a senior, famous, or wealthy, the "yeses" around you will gradually lose their meaning.

To that extent, the value of a genuine "no" will increase.

Where can you find someone you can be equal with?

So, does that mean someone in a position of power can't have honest relationships with anyone? Not necessarily.

I do have people who are "like" friends. They are fellow business owners I met through work.

I often meet up and hang out with some of them, and I like them as people. We talk about stupid things and I can expose my embarrassing side to them.

Why can I be equal with those people? When I think about it, there are two conditions.

There is no hierarchy. And, there is little conflict of interest.

Since they also have their own castle, they have no reason to humble themselves before me. Since we are in different industries, they don't need to take anything from me. That's why we can speak as equals.

However, to be honest, if I'm asked "Are they friends?", I'm a bit puzzled. They aren't friends from childhood, and I can't say there is zero conflict of interest. I personally believe that true friendship is impossible if there is a conflict of interest.

Even so, the existence of these "people I can be equal with" is significant.

If I put this in your terms, it's like this.

Have equals in a place separate from where you belong.

If you keep your human relationships confined only within your company, everyone becomes a stakeholder. Whether they are a boss, a subordinate, or a rival peer.

But people from other industries, friends from other communities, or old school friends—people who don't need to take anything from you—can remain your equals no matter how old you get.

It's better to consciously keep such places. The more successful you become, the more that place will become your final refuge.

The scariest thing is not the people who approach you.

Up to this point, I have written about how to distinguish the people who approach you.

But to tell you the truth, the scariest thing is not the people who approach you.

It is yourself, whose sense of reality shifts while being flattered.

When things go well, the attitude of the people you meet changes completely. They become polite. You are put on a pedestal.

But it is not that I am happy about it. The sadness of realizing, 'They change this much,' is greater.

And what is scary is that, perhaps, I have already misunderstood something somewhere myself. There is surely a part of me that is getting carried away.

Last time, I wrote, 'Nothing has changed within me.' To be honest, I think the truth is that I am consciously trying to remain that way. Even so, I cannot prevent it completely.

Just as much as you need an eye to distinguish people, you need an eye to look in the mirror.

You cannot choose the people who approach you. But you can choose whether or not to get carried away by them. Before being careful about those around you, be careful about yourself when you start to misunderstand. I think this is the most difficult part of this story.

Even so, I am willing to trade it for loneliness.

Finally, I will state my conclusion.

Honestly, living while distinguishing people in this way is lonely.

When it comes to making decisions, I cannot consult anyone. In situations where I have to decide 'right or left' and 'if I make a mistake, the company will be affected,' everyone looks at me and says, 'Please.' That loneliness is painful, and weekends are lonely too.

But that is the trade-off for my current position.

If I were told to throw away who I am now so that I could have fun on weekends or make friends, I think I would still hate it.

I would rather be lonely than do that.

My conclusion regarding human relationships

To summarize. The way to distinguish the people who approach you ultimately comes down to these five points.

1. What destroys human relationships is not personality, but interests.

Only those who were in places without conflicting interests could remain friends. Conversely, anyone who has a place where interests do not intervene is wealthy just by that fact.

2. Look at "what" they praise you for.

People who are looking at you will ask questions. People who are looking at what you possess will only offer praise and ask nothing.

3. People who close the distance quickly have a reason for being so fast.

True trust takes time. People who skip that process just want to collect their returns quickly.

4. A person's true character is revealed in their reaction when you say no.

The people you can say "no" to, and the people who can say "no" to you. These are the only two types you should keep in your life.

5. The people who remain during your worst times are the real ones.

Make a list of the names of people around you during the good times, and compare it when things go bad. The 10 percent who remain are your true assets.

Therefore, you don't need to be afraid of being suspicious when people flock to you.

Being suspicious is not the same as becoming a misanthrope. It is a process to properly cherish the few real ones who remain after you have distinguished them.

You do not need to be liked by everyone.

If you have a few such people, your human relationships are already more than rich enough.