What I Did Not Lose Even While Being Bullied in High School
During my high school years, I had no place where I belonged in my class.
Being ignored, gossiped about, and isolated.
During breaks, I would pretend to be asleep to avoid interacting with anyone.
Even my friends from junior high school had, before I knew it, joined the side of those bullying me.
When I consulted my parents or teachers, the words that came back were these:
Don't worry about such trivial things.
It will be even harder when you enter the real world.
Honestly, I felt despair.
Even when I asked for help, no one would help me.
Is there any point in living like this?
I thought that many times.
1. What I thought about while at my limit
At the time, I thought about wanting to die many times.
However, when I actually thought about suicide,
the feeling that I didn't want to be in pain would win out, and I couldn't go through with it.
Looking back now, it might be a pathetic story.
But what was stopping me at that time was
another emotion.
That was
a sense of crisis asking, "What will happen if I become an adult like this?"
At the time, I often saw news about the employment ice age.
・Freeter (part-time worker)
・Non-regular employment
・Social withdrawal (hikikomori)
Those words entered my mind as a reality.
My high school life is already falling apart.
If I don't change anything, I will just continue on this same path.
When I thought about that, I became afraid.
(2) The only thing that remained
I lost many things due to bullying.
Self-confidence
Relationships
Happy memories
Almost nothing was left.
However, one thing did remain.
That was
a sense of crisis about the future.
It was not hope.
It was not motivation either.
It was just the feeling that "things will go wrong if I stay like this."
But in the end, this feeling
became the catalyst that changed my life.
(3) The moment it turned into action
When I reached my third year of high school, I finally made a decision.
"If I don't change my environment, I'm finished."
Thinking that, I aimed for a university outside the prefecture.
Honestly, I was not good at studying.
I had hardly studied until then, so my foundations were in tatters.
Even so, I had no choice but to do it.
The reason is simple:
It was to escape from here.
As a result, I was accepted into a public university.
It wasn't a miracle or talent;
I was simply driven by a 'sense of crisis'.
4. People change when their environment changes
I didn't know a single person at university.
But, that actually turned out to be a good thing.
Unlike in high school, I started initiating conversations myself.
I was quite nervous inside, but
I had the awareness that
'If I repeat the same thing here, it's over.'
As a result, I made friends and
was able to lead a normal life.
Conclusion
My high school self had nothing.
But I did have one thing:
A sense of crisis that 'things will go wrong if I stay like this'
With just this, my life started to move forward, little by little.
Summary
If you are currently in a similar situation where
your environment is painful
Relationships are painful
I cannot see a future
If that is how you feel,
there is no need to force yourself to be positive.
However, there is one thing you should hold onto.
It is the sense that "things cannot go on like this."
It is uncomfortable, but
it becomes the only driving force that leads to action.