Giving the Heart a Sense of Touch

There is nothing. An empty heart.
There is nothing inside the vessel, and it is in a state where no liquid is being poured into it.
Or rather, a state where it cannot be poured.

My unconscious state does not seem to appear as nothingness to others.

"Why is he angry?"
I was asked this by a shoe store clerk when I stopped by while traveling abroad in Italy.

"Your eyes are scary. Can't you do something about that expression?"
I was told this abruptly while talking to my boss at my previous job.

I have absolutely no intention of being angry.
But in truth, I don't know.
If I am feeling a sense of emptiness, perhaps that is the starting point, which then turns into impatience, fear, and anger.

It has probably been this way for a long time.
There are times when I feel out of step with the world.

At such times, I always put on my earphones and listen to music at full volume.
I quietly read a book so that nothing enters my field of vision.
If I can protect my ears and eyes, no attacks can reach me there.
And then, a separate world is created that cuts me off from the world.

The wall between me and other people is very large and, moreover, it is so smooth that it is hard for anyone to climb over it.
Very occasionally, there are people who make that wall transparent and slip through, which surprises me, haha.

I think that in my subconscious, there is likely a feeling that "people won't understand me anyway."
Conversely, I might also be craving deep down in my heart to be understood, even as I am.

There are times when I notice myself trying to keep distance from others without realizing it.

This symptom appears when I lack mental breathing room.
Like an invisible virus, it quietly enters my body.
When I wake up in the morning, I am infected by that virus.
I can feel my heart becoming desolate.

"Why is my heart so heavy?"
"Why can't I shake off this mood?"

The fortunate thing is that now, that virus does not attack others.
For now, I can keep it contained within myself.
I feel like I have been able to improve this.

The optimal density inside the vessel is likely different for everyone.
I feel that for my vessel, being about 70% full is just right.

"Always create space in your heart."

It is a phrase I tell myself, especially during difficult times.
I think it is very important not to push myself and to take time to rest when that space is about to be filled up.
What is very interesting is that when I can spend time in the best state of having that space, I feel like things will go well and I can become positive.
That said, the space changes significantly due to subtle changes in my heart.
Therefore, I need to constantly keep an eye on the state of my heart.

What color is it?
What temperature is it?
What does it smell like?

I hope to watch over my heart as if I were touching it directly with my hands.

Like the moon, soft, dim, yet having an axis and not wavering,
I want to have a heart like that.
I am certainly not the type to shine on my own like the sun.
However, just as the moon provides light through the gaps via the Earth,
I want to be a fleeting yet gentle presence that quietly stays by someone's side.

I truly want to be a person who never mocks being out of step with the world, never gives unsolicited advice, and at the very least, walks at the same pace, someone who can go for a walk together.
With gratitude.