"I've bought from you before"—The "Illusion of Intimacy" revealed by a customer's minor annoyance
(v1.1 / 2026.5.10 update)
Masa: You know I run a handmade shop, right? Emi?
Emi: Yeah, I know.
Masa: When I sent a template message at the start of a transaction, I had a customer get a bit annoyed, saying, "I've bought from you before!"
Emi: Ah, I know that feeling. If you've bought from someone before, you'll get what they mean.
Masa: But I can't remember everyone.
Emi: That's only natural. But if you were in their shoes—what if you got the same template message every time from a shop you've bought from multiple times?
Masa: ...I might think, "They don't remember me."
Masami: That is the "Illusion of Intimacy." Even though the relationship has built up in the customer's mind, to the seller, they are just like any other customer. It's a state where you are viewing the relationship at completely different resolutions.
Masa: You mean the view we see is completely different?
Emi: I wonder if people who choose handmade items have a strong desire to be seen as individuals. So, does a template message end up signaling, "You are not special"?
Masa: Even though I had absolutely no bad intentions...
Emi: Yeah. You didn't do anything wrong, Masa. It's just that there was an invisible asymmetry.
Masami: Let's organize this a bit. The true nature of this "minor annoyance" is born from the overlap of two psychological phenomena.
Masami's Explanation: The Illusion of Intimacy and the Need for Uniqueness
1. Illusion of Intimacy (Parasocial Relationship)
This is a concept proposed by Horton and Wohl in 1956. Originally, it referred to a one-way sense of intimacy toward television personalities, but we now know it happens in the same way on social media and in handmade shops. Every time they make a purchase, a feeling of "I know this person" grows within the customer. However, the seller cannot see that accumulation—this is the "asymmetry of intimacy."
2. Need for Uniqueness
This was proposed by Snyder and Fromkin in 1977. Humans instinctively have a desire to be recognized as unique individuals, different from others. Customers who choose handmade items are especially looking for something that allows them to connect with the creator. That is why a template message can sometimes be received as a message saying, "You are not special."
References
Horton & Wohl "Mass Communication and Para-Social Interaction" (1956): The original work on the illusion of intimacy. It was the first to systematize the mechanism by which one-way intimacy is created.
Snyder & Fromkin "Uniqueness: The Human Pursuit of Difference" (1977): The original work on the desire for special treatment. It demonstrated the desire to be recognized as a being different from others.
Giles "Parasocial Interaction: A Review of the Literature and a Model for Future Research" (2002): A modern reinterpretation of parasocial relationships. It discusses the spread of one-way intimacy in the internet age.
Masa: So, even though I didn't do anything wrong,
in the customer's mind,
it's like "the relationship is broken"—
is that what you mean?
Emi: Exactly. Masa, you aren't the perpetrator.
There was just an invisible asymmetry.
Haven't you ever felt
a similar asymmetry
toward someone else?
Masami: The reason no one gets upset when they receive a template message from a major e-commerce site
is because they aren't expecting
a "personal relationship" in the first place.
What's happening at Masa's shop
is proof that the customers
are entrusting their emotions to Masa's work and to Masa as a person.
Masa: ...That's kind of complicated.
Emi: Yeah. But isn't that "complexity"
also part of the charm
of a handmade shop?
Masa: ...Yeah. I suppose you're right.
Masami's Afterword
Template messages aren't bad. And you can't be blamed for not remembering.
But sometimes, a "relationship" grows in a customer's heart without you even knowing it. That's because your work isn't just a "product"; it reaches them as something imbued with human hands and heart.
The illusion of intimacy is a phenomenon that naturally occurs when we entrust our emotions to something someone else has made. In a sense, it might be a form of quiet respect for the creator.
Haven't you also had a moment where you felt
just a tiny bit of loneliness at someone's "template message"?
If you've caught a glimpse of what that emotion really is today—you should know better than anyone what to do next.
For a deeper dive, click here for "'They remembered my name'—Talking to people who 'design' the illusion of intimacy" ▼
