"They remembered my name"—The people who "design" the illusion of intimacy.

(v1.1 / 2026.5.10 update)

Masa: We talked about the "illusion of intimacy" before, right?

Emi: Yeah, I remember.

Masa: I was thinking, couldn't you actually use that intentionally?

Emi: So you've figured it out (laughs).

Masa: Wait, is that really a thing?

Emi: Don't you remember how it feels when you go to a restaurant you haven't visited in a while and they say, "You ordered the XX last time, didn't you?"

Masa: ...I remember feeling really happy about that, actually.

Emi: That is a designed "illusion of intimacy."

Masa: Designed? Isn't that kind of scary?

Emi: That's the point. The same phenomenon takes on a completely different face depending on the intent of the person using it.

Masa: Come to think of it, there's a salesperson who always remembers me, and... I find it kind of hard to say no to them.

Emi: That might have been a design, too (laughs).

Masami: That's right, Emi. Let's organize this. You, the reader, might find this rings a bell as well.

Masami's Explanation: The "Design" and "Critical Point" of the Illusion of Intimacy

1. Designed Intimacy

A system that records customer names, purchase history, and conversations to keep sending the signal, "I remember you"—this is what we call CRM. That natural-seeming consideration is, in many cases, designed through data and training.

2. Combination with Reciprocity

The feeling of being remembered creates a sense of debt—a feeling that you "have to give something back." This is the principle of reciprocity. It's not uncommon for this structure to be hidden behind that "vague feeling of being unable to say no."

3. When you cross the critical point

A state where you alone hold onto a "relationship" that the other person cannot see. It is not necessarily out of malice. You might be approaching a critical point without even realizing it.

References

• Cialdini "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion" (1984): A classic work that demonstrates the structure where the combination of reciprocity and intimacy creates a "difficulty in saying no."

• Peppers & Rogers "The One to One Future" (1993): The original text that systematized the concept of CRM.

• Meloy "Stalking and Violence" (2002): A study that analyzes the psychological structure of the illusion of intimacy that has crossed a critical point.

Masa: In other words, behind the "they remembered my name"
emotional impact,
there is sometimes a design, and if it crosses a
critical point,
it can become something scary?

Emi: Exactly.
The same phenomenon can be
both light and shadow.
Just by knowing the structure,
you can realize the true nature of
"difficulty in saying no."

Masa: ...Meeting that salesperson,
I've started to feel a bit scared.

Emi: (Laughs) That just means the design was too good!

Masami's Afterword

"They remembered my name"—that joy is real.

Even if it was designed, the warmth you felt is not fake.

However, if the same psychology goes too far—you might end up believing in a "relationship" that doesn't exist for the other person.

Even if intimacy toward someone starts from a design—if it is accompanied by genuine feelings, it becomes real.

Design or genuine feeling—where do you draw that line?

Click here for the previous article: "'I've bought from you before'—the 'illusion of intimacy' taught by a customer's small displeasure" ▼