I don't understand parenting

I'm in my 10th year as a midwife.
After some light fertility treatment,
(though it was still tough),
I gave birth to my long-awaited first daughter.

I felt ashamed of myself
for choosing an epidural
because I couldn't bear the labor pains,
and because the anesthesia worked so well,
I had absolutely no sense of accomplishment
that I had actually given birth.

From my hospital stay until the one-month checkup,
things went smoothly.
It was within my area of expertise.

But I don't know what comes after that.

Parenting is just...
"You're a midwife, so you must be fine, right?"
I give a bitter smile at the voices around me.

My breast milk comes out too much,
I get mastitis repeatedly,
and while caring for myself,
I just manage to scrape by.

My daughter
cries loudly
if I don't hold her the whole time.

I can't do housework properly,
and my own needs
are naturally put on the back burner.

Did I wash my face today?
Did I change my clothes?

What is this?

It's completely different
from what I imagined!?

When I took my daughter
to the 3-month checkup by myself
carrying a huge amount of luggage,

at the venue,
there were families
with parents and even grandparents accompanying the baby.

Ah, I'm so envious.

We're a nuclear family, after all.
It can't be helped.
Don't look, don't look.

While all this was happening,
conversations with my husband disappeared,
and I felt irritated
at my husband who wouldn't do housework.

I'm also angry at myself
for not being able to say, "Help me."

Days spent in gloom.
My daughter wailing.

I can't feel that she's cute.

There was nowhere to pour out what was in my heart.
I couldn't say,
"Help me!"
I only knew how to keep trying.
I didn't know how to take a break.

Let's see
what would I say
to my younger self back then?

I can't do it
I don't know how
help me

It's okay to say that
I suppose

You were doing your best