Moving Forward While Still Immature: My Choices and Records

Self-introduction and what I want to do

Nice to meet you, my name is Yuka Mannen.
After working as a childcare provider for four years, I got married, and now I am turning over a new leaf and starting a new path as a Web designer.

My hobbies include watching videos from my favorite channels on YouTube and spending time with people I love.
Influenced by my husband, I have come to love dogs, and I think about welcoming a dog into our family someday.
I also love children, so I am just an ordinary housewife who dreams of living a life filled with love, surrounded by my husband, children, grandchildren, and a pet dog when I become a grandmother.

On this account, I will leave my thoughts and feelings in words.
The experiences where I stumbled, the dark feelings, and the wavering heart...
I will gather the thoughts I have felt until now and put them into words once again.
So that I do not forget these precious experiences. So that the current me can look forward.
I want to leave a record of my steps here so that I, who was unconsciously bound by the need to be perfect, can accept my “immaturity” and move forward.

If there is anyone out there like my past self or my current self who is struggling with their choices, covering up painful feelings, feeling tired, or finding it difficult to have hope for the future, I would love for you to read my articles.
I believe that each person will have a different interpretation of the words I write.
I believe that every emotion and every word is correct.
There would be nothing that makes me happier than if my articles could gently support you while you are struggling.

For my first post, I decided to write about an episode from a moment when I looked back and thought, 'I might be in a bit of trouble.'
It is an episode that came to mind when I started thinking about what is causing me to waver right now.
I would be happy if those who are interested continue reading.

The 'Calling' I Never Doubted

Since I was a child, I never doubted that I would become a childcare provider.

I admired my homeroom teacher in my final year of kindergarten and naturally thought, 'I will become a kindergarten teacher.'
I chose a university department where I could study childcare, and I would work in a job involving children in the future.
That future was not so much a dream as it was a path that had already been decided.

Being a childcare provider was my calling.
I believed that without a doubt.

I thought that even if there were difficult times, I would overcome them on that track and grow.
I never imagined a future where I would be off that calling.

The First Year of Working Life Without a Track

However, in my first year as a working adult,
I stumbled significantly for the first time.

There was no 'protected position' like there was when I was a student.
Every day required me to make judgments on my own responsibility regarding the events in front of me. There were experienced seniors around me, and my peers who joined at the same time also seemed somewhat more mature.

There is no track to follow just by completing tasks.
There are no correct answers or clear evaluation criteria.

If I didn't ask about things I didn't understand, my questions would just pile up.
But in a busy workplace, it was difficult to even find the right timing to speak up.

I gradually became distressed by the gap between my ideals and reality.

A Year of Covering Up My Weakness

Even so, I thought, 'Since this is my calling, I should be able to overcome it.'

All the suffering would become fuel for growth.
I believed that holding on was the right thing to do.

So, I put a lid on my suffering.
I wore an invisible mask and kept working so that those around me wouldn't notice.

I blamed myself for being 'so weak' when I started to struggle with the gap between reality and my ideals.
Because it felt like something was wrong with me for suffering in my calling.

But my heart was definitely being worn down.

The choice to resign and the wavering emotions

In the end, I resigned after one year from the dream nursery school I had joined as a new graduate.

The emotions I felt at that time cannot be expressed in a single word.
Frustration, relief, a sense of defeat, fear, guilt, emptiness, a feeling of being unburdened, and self-pity—everything was mixed together.

I was sometimes told, 'Isn't that just running away?'
That it's natural for working life to be painful, and that you only grow by holding on.

I thought so myself, too.
I believed that no matter how dark it was, struggling through it was the right answer.

But one day, someone told me, 'There is also such a thing as a strategic withdrawal to protect your heart.'
Those words helped me relax my shoulders just a little.

For the first time, I was able to think that choosing to quit didn't have to be seen as losing or running away, but as an action to find a new environment.

What it means to move forward while still immature

Looking back now, I believe that resignation was a necessary decision.

I was immature at that time.
But I think it was precisely because I was immature that I made that choice.
If I had continued to ignore my heart like that,
I might have broken down before I could ever become 'strong'.

I want to accept my past self as well.
I want to embrace the fact that all the things I was lost about have made me who I am, and that every single emotion is precious.
And I want to grow while acknowledging and accepting that I am weak and immature.
That is what I consider 'moving forward while still immature' to mean.

In closing

This account is a place where I can gradually embrace the 'immature self' I couldn't accept back then.
I, who moved forward without realizing my own immaturity, am now stopping, thinking, and choosing again.
I will write down the process of that thinking.

I would be happy to meet others who are also struggling with their choices and feeling confused by their own weaknesses, but are still trying to move forward.

Even if you are still immature, it is okay to move forward.
I hope that the number of people who can feel that way increases, even if just by one.