Selective School Refusal

Since November, my daughter has suddenly stopped going to school.
A little while later,
"I might not go to school anymore. I've already talked to my homeroom teacher."
That was her report. It was very clear. Hearing that, I didn't feel much agitation.
There is also a great sense of relief in knowing that since it's a correspondence high school, attendance doesn't significantly affect earning credits.
"You can still graduate this school year as planned, right?
In that case, it's fine for you to decide for yourself."
I was able to answer quite calmly. The words came out naturally.

Recent situation

Until October, she had been attending without missing a day.
Since it's a correspondence high school, attending the school course is not mandatory. (I don't know about other schools.)
Within that, my daughter attended as much as possible, was enrolled in the advanced class, was active in project activities, took the initiative to enjoy school events, was entrusted with major roles... in short, she was living a very active life at school.
Even now, she must still feel glad that she chose this school. As proof, she often uses the phrase "my school." Her attachment to the school comes through in bits and pieces of her words.
Even while she has been taking this break, she has taken online classes and has almost finished earning the credits required for graduation.
She meets up with her school friends frequently, talks on the phone, and shows her face at school nonchalantly during events; aside from the point of attending school, her high school life continues to be fulfilling.

It's only a part of school that she's not good with...
She's stopping her attendance—honestly, I do feel a sense of disappointment.
I have a selfish parental wish that I want her to make as many memories unique to a high schooler as possible before graduation next spring, and it's all I can do not to tell her that.
But seeing my daughter smile more, I think, "This is fine."

Recent atmosphere at school

Since it's my daughter's account, it is subjective, but it seems the atmosphere at school has changed completely recently.
It is a fact that half of the teachers were replaced when she went to school after summer vacation.
Until now, she had interacted with teachers like friends, and events were left to the students' initiative.
She says that teachers who are a triple threat of ordering, restricting, and criticizing have arrived, and excessive student guidance has begun.
She says they get scolded without even being asked for their reasons, the autonomy of events has been taken away, and as a result, some students have rebelled and become unruly, leading to even stricter guidance and fewer students attending school. In short, the story was that the school's atmosphere is just too bad.
"It's no longer the campus I loved. I don't have to go anymore."
She told me what was in her heart.
I don't know if I should take all of her subjectivity at face value, but there is no doubt that she feels it has become an environment that is difficult to go to.
In the first place, many children at correspondence high schools have some sense of frustration, so a change where many teachers are replaced at once is likely to cause ripples.
I also think that a place like a school is not suited for rapid changes. Especially for a child like my daughter who has been hurt by peer relationships before, it is a place she finally found after overcoming her anxiety, so it is very disappointing that it changes so easily.
I want schools to be places where there are multiple adults who watch over them in the long term and act as their allies.

Daily life

Contrary to my concerns about her attending school, my daughter's life and behavior are changing for the better.
Even without going to school, she wakes up with an alarm clock.
She eats three meals a day, and brushes her teeth and takes a bath every day.
(Because it's a common thing in "school refusal" that these things become impossible.)
She has started to move on her own to wash dishes, fold laundry, and help with cooking without being asked. She even found her first part-time job and was hired.
Although she has chronic headaches and stomachaches, the number of times she complains that she "can't move because of the pain" has decreased. This is what makes me happiest.

Studies

As for university entrance exams, things haven't been going well since the summer.
She also easily overturned her insistence on passing on her first attempt.
Or rather, she decided to become a ronin (gap year student) early on. The reason is,
"I can't get my mental state ready to take the entrance exam this fiscal year."
The state of one's heart is often more painful than it looks from the outside. Taking entrance exams while receiving weekly counseling. I have also been warned by her doctor that it contains elements of walking a tightrope. Parents must not force things.
My daughter also told me this.
"I still can't face the fact that I can't study. It's not like my personality is being denied, but I just can't come to terms with it."
Is this unique to a former honor student? I feel a jolt and put my hand to my chest, wondering what kind of words I used to say to her when she was small.
Nevertheless, there is time. If she gets the motivation, she can catch up on her studies in time. Life is long.
Her desire to go to university hasn't changed. She also has specific hopes for her career path.

So for now, it's enough if she can laugh with someone. That alone makes school life more than worth it.
Since I, as her mother, have also been able to see my daughter looking happy, I will diligently cook delicious meals to help her get even better.

Five years since the first school refusal

Our family realizes that something has changed.
Five years ago, my daughter was hiding in the house as if running away from everything at school. Even then, she was still being chased by something invisible and was terrified.
I was distraught, persistent, and further exhausted my child, whose energy was already depleted.
How can I make her go to school again?
That was all I thought about. In the storm of emotions, I couldn't see anything that was necessary.

Schools handle packaged products

There is absolutely no seriousness in this school refusal.
She, who has now chosen what she needs for herself, has shown me that school life can be fulfilling even without "attending school and taking classes."
Generally speaking, school is a convenient place.
They gather and provide everything that seems necessary for students as a whole. However, my daughter cannot use that packaged product evenly. She carefully selects and picks up what she needs and what she likes. Since schools are not custom-made, they have impurities. I think it is her nature to be bothered by those impurities.
Packaged products are not universal for everyone.

What I think now

With this declaration of selective school refusal as a trigger, I feel that the distance between my daughter and me has narrowed.
And, perhaps the following virtuous cycle is being created:
Decided for herself -> Was able to speak her true feelings to her parent -> Parent accepted it -> Trust deepened -> Gained confidence to decide for herself

Even if it's not the same as others, and even if it's not what the parent wants, it's not wrong.
My life is my own. I am the one who takes responsibility. It's okay to decide for myself.
Just because I wasn't allowed by my parents to decide for myself in the past, it doesn't make sense to use that as a reason to force my own child, saying "You must do this."
I, as an adult, just need to remove my own limitations and decide things for myself.
In truth, not only my daughter but I also have the right to choose my own life.

(This has become long. It's too long, which is a problem...
Thank you for reading until the end.)