Resilient children are not raised by praise alone

The foundation for children who can get back up after failure

I want my child to be someone who can get back up even after failing.
I think many parents wish for this.

I want them to be a child who doesn't break easily when things don't go well,
and who can think,
“Maybe I'll try one more time.”
As a parent, you wish for that, don't you?

However, in reality, they might stumble just a little and then stop,
saying,
“I'm not doing it anymore,”
or “I can't do it anyway.”

When you see them like that,
you might wonder if they lack confidence,
or if you should praise them more.
You might think things like that.

But the power to not give up
is not something that grows just by praising them a lot.
It is not something determined solely by their original personality, either.

Being able to avoid thinking that everything about yourself is bad when you fail.
Feeling that it is okay to try again even if things didn't go well.
And knowing that even if you couldn't do it, your relationship remains intact.

Resilient children grow on top of such a foundation.

Why do children stop when they fail?

When a child fails, the pain they feel
is not just about the result itself.

I lost.
I made a mistake.
I couldn't do it.

After that event,

“I'm no good,”
“It's impossible now,”
“I might get scolded again.”

When feelings like those pile up, they can become unable to move.

It's the same for adults, isn't it?
More than the failure itself,
how you accept yourself after failing changes how easily you can move forward.

Children don't stop because they lack encouragement.
Sometimes, the scaffolding to rebuild themselves after a failure is simply still in the process of growing.

What is inside a resilient child?

More than bravado,“security”is what matters.

It is often said that “groundless confidence is important.”
Certainly, for things they have never done before,
the feeling of thinking,
“Maybe it will work out somehow,”becomes a power for taking on challenges.

However, I believe that what we really want to cultivate within the home is not empty bravado.

What is more important than that is

knowing that even if things don't go well, you are not finished.
Even if you fail, you can try again.
Even if you couldn't do it, you won't be abandoned.

It is being able to feel that way.

Children who have this sense are not necessarily strong from the start,
but they find it easier to bounce back after stumbling.

What supports a resilient child is
not so much flashy self-confidence, but
the peace of mind that comes from not having to reject yourself entirely even if you fail.

What parents should look for is not the 'result,' but how the child bounces back

Does the child stand up immediately after falling?
Can they stay calm without crying after losing?
Sometimes we find ourselves wanting to see that kind of strength.

However, if you want to see the power of resilience,
it is easier to see it by looking at 'how they bounce back' rather than the result.

They can return after resting a little.
They try again, even while feeling frustrated.
After saying 'I don't want to,' they can move if they have help.
Even if they couldn't do it yesterday, they get a little closer today.

These behaviors are all part of the process of 'resilience.'

Only children who can switch gears immediately are not the only ones who are strong.
Being able to fall apart but eventually come back over time,
that is where a strength is truly growing.

It is not evaluation that raises a resilient child

More than evaluation, it is the 'feeling of being seen'

Children remember well not only when they succeed,
but also how they were seen when things didn't go well.

For example,

'You did it until the end even though you lost'
'That was frustrating, wasn't it'
'Shall we decide together whether to try again or stop here for today?'
'It didn't go well, but you did better here than before'

Words like these are not just empty praise.
They lead to a sense of having one's feelings and process seen, not just the result.

Conversely,

'You're worrying too much'
'Don't cry over something like that'
'You'll just do better next time'

Even if these words are said without malice,
they can leave the child feeling
'my pain was not accepted'
.

Resilient children are not born tough from the start.
I believe they are children who have had their feelings of failure acknowledged and have been able to practice bouncing back little by little.

When it comes to words of encouragement, it is better to use words that help them return rather than words that make them strong.

When we want to raise resilient children,
we tend to look for powerful words.

"You can do it."
"It will be absolutely fine."
"Have confidence."

There are times when these words are appropriate.
However, what a child needs immediately after a failure
is often a much smaller foothold.

For example,

"That was frustrating, wasn't it?"
"It didn't go well, did it?"
"It's okay to stop here for today."
"If you're going to try again, where would you like to start from?"
"Even if there are things you couldn't do, it's okay."

These words are not flashy.
However, when a child is trying to get back on their feet,
these quiet words can be more helpful.

What is important is not to stir them up, but
to create a place they can return to after a failure.

A parent's "Oh well, it's fine"

is a space for breathing room.

If you want to foster resilience in your child,
you do not need to be a perfect parent.

In fact, when a failure occurs,
"It's over."
"Everything is ruined."
It is more important that the whole family does not become too weighed down by these thoughts.

Things didn't go well today.
I got too angry.
I couldn't support them the way I wanted to.
There are days like that.

Even so,
"Things fell apart today."
"Let's try again tomorrow."
If an adult can have a little bit of breathing room,
the child learns from that
that life goes on even after failure.

A parent's "Oh well, it's fine" is not about being careless.
It is the strength not to turn a failure into a bigger disaster than it needs to be.

This atmosphere quietly supports a child's ability to bounce back.

Finally,

Resilient children grow up in an environment where it is okay to fail.

A resilient child is not a child who never fails.

They are children who, while feeling frustrated,
while feeling disappointed in themselves for not succeeding,
are still able to bounce back little by little.

The foundation for this is
not talent or a strong personality,
but interactions that make them feel it is okay to fail.

Therefore, if there is one thing you can do today,
rather than offering grand encouragement,
please try saying this when your child faces a setback.

You couldn't do it. That was frustrating, wasn't it?
But that doesn't mean you are a failure.

That one sentence is not magic that will instantly make a child strong.
However, it does become a mental foothold that allows them to recover even after failing.

And children who have that foothold
will gradually become able to stand up on their own.