The shadow in my lung has been there for four years

1. The usual monthly day

The other day, I went for my monthly cancer treatment.

In 2019, I had surgery for a malignant melanoma that had formed on my right thumb, and I had the thumbnail removed. For two years, there was nothing, but in 2021, a shadow was found in my lung. While we monitored it for a while with repeated CT scans, we realized the shadow was gradually increasing, so I began immunotherapy using a drug called Opdivo.

That was four full years ago. This time marks my 49th visit.

To start with the results, there were no particular issues this time either. My blood tests were normal. The contrast-enhanced CT scan I had taken along with the previous one also showed no changes.

When the doctor asked me during the consultation, 'How have you been lately?', I answered half-jokingly, 'My lower back hurts,' and the doctor replied with a wry smile, 'Putting that aside, anything else?' Perhaps there aren't many patients who complain about their chronic back pain to their cancer specialist.

I have a rash on my arms. Even though I wear long sleeves, apply sunscreen, and use a parasol, it seems the backs of my hands still get exposed to sunlight, and I have bumps. I'm applying medicine, and it doesn't itch, so I think it's probably fine.

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2. You never know until you open it

I asked the doctor, 'The shadow in my lung is still there, isn't it?'

He replied, 'Yes, it is.'

It is a really tiny shadow. There is one grain about 1 or 2 millimeters in size on each side. There was a period when they increased or grew slightly, but now they seem to have shrunk back to the size they were when they were first discovered and haven't moved since. It might be that Opdivo is keeping them suppressed.

I heard an interesting story here.

Apparently, it is impossible to tell from images like CT scans whether this shadow is a living cancer or not. You have to open it up—in other words, perform surgery—to find out. It might just be a remnant left over after recovery, they say.

So, if you ask whether we should just remove it, it is not that simple. It is so small that it is difficult to pinpoint, and because it is located in a deep, recessed area, it would apparently be a very difficult surgery. And above all, it seems this surgery would not be covered by insurance.

I wonder how much it would cost. I cannot even imagine. For me, the only thought was, "That is absolutely impossible."

3. Living with the unknown

There is a shadow of unknown origin inside my body.

When written down, it sounds like something that would stir up anxiety. But I have been aware of this shadow's existence for a long time, and it does not particularly bother me now. If it is not moving, I suppose it is fine. My wife does not seem to be too concerned about it either.

Of course, if it starts to grow, that would be a different story. If that happens, I will consult with my doctor again at that time.

However, all I can do right now is go to the hospital once a month, undergo tests, and hear the results. I have been doing that for four years, 49 times now. Living with things that cannot be clearly defined, without forcing them to be defined. Perhaps that is true for many things in life, not just cancer.

Not trying to force an understanding of things that are unknown. Not worrying too much, but not turning a blind eye either, and properly keeping up with it on a regular basis.

Is there something in your life that you have left undefined and quietly set aside?

Let's enjoy today as well.