To my future self, struggling and fighting

To my future self, struggling and fighting

I am writing this note today because I want you to remember, 'My past self suffered like this, but kept moving forward.'

Even though words feel like blades piercing through me, and they still haven't been pulled out.

But it was also someone else's words that saved me from that state.

And when you feel like you 'don't want to wake up anymore,' please pick up Yataro Matsuura's essay, 'Cheerful Habits' 📖

Hurt by words, saved by words

I felt like I would burst into tears if I let my guard down even a little, so even after parting with my friends, I didn't go home and stayed at a book cafe instead.

I wanted to escape into the world of books, but I think I was just terrified of going home.

At that moment.

'Excuse me, is that pattern on your dress mimosa?'

An older woman spoke to me with a radiant smile.

I couldn't even manage my usual 'fake smile' and was just flustered.

'It's so lovely. It's cute, and it suits you very well.'

I could barely manage to say, 'Thank you.'

I, who had been hurt by certain words and unable to recover, was able to smile thanks to the words spoken by a woman I didn't even know.

Ah, I suppose I will continue to be kept alive by the words of others like this.

When I thought that, I felt happy.

Forgetting I was in a book cafe, I couldn't stop my tears.

I was killing myself.

The reason I couldn't stop crying was because I was genuinely happy to hear the woman's words, and because I was made to realize something.

That is, without even realizing it myself, I had been denying who I am.

When I received words like "wonderful" or "cute," I was startled by myself whispering in my heart,"Wait, someone like me...?"to myself.

I have recently been studying a field called "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy," and words like the ones I unconsciously whispered in my heart are called "cognitions" or "automatic thoughts."

Similarly, the words we unconsciously say to ourselves are also called "self-talk"💡

*For those who want to know more: I recommend these books as they are easy to understand!

By continuing to throw words of self-denial at myself, I was killing myself.

Words of affirmation, not denial

I don't think the woman who spoke to me had any such intention.

But thanks to her words, I was able to realize that I had been hurting myself.

I am confident that I can find and express the "good points" and "things I like" about others as much as I want.

However, when it comes to myself, I am truly bad at it.

"Why can't you even do this?"
"You have to try much, much harder."

Future me, aren't you talking to yourself like this?

If you are, it's okay to do it just once a day.

I want you to say to yourself, "You are doing a great job."

I want to be a person who continues to convey words

I think words are selfish and self-satisfying things.

No matter how carefully I think I have chosen my words, I can still end up hurting the other person.

Conversely, casual words can sometimes save someone.

When I was at my lowest, I was undoubtedly saved by the words of a woman I happened to meet at a book cafe.

What if, at that time, that woman had hesitated, thinking, "Would it surprise them if I suddenly spoke up?" and hadn't shared those words? (*I was a little surprised, though!)

I might still be killing myself with my own words even now.

To my future self.

Just thinking it in your heart won't convey anything to the other person.

Even if you put it into words, it doesn't mean everything will be understood.

But please, never give up without even trying to put it into words!

(Bonus) Yataro Matsuura's "Cheerful Habits"

Looking back on my life, I realize that the lower I am, the more blessed I am with connections to "people" and "books."

The people who always listen to me, the people who make me laugh so much that I want to keep talking to them forever, and many others. Thank you all so much.

It was at that book cafe where I cried my eyes out that I happened to come across an essay by Yataro Matsuura called "Cheerful Habits" (I kept reading despite the tears that wouldn't stop ☕).

As one of Matsuura's habits, "A note to protect yourself" was introduced.

It's a note containing things you want to cherish and how you want to be, based on your realizations so far.

He says he keeps it like a charm, updating it constantly.

For example, things like this are written on the charm.

• Don't rush, don't demand, don't get angry

• Early to bed, early to rise

• Always be grateful

• Watch your words

• Always smile

• Give first

An amulet to serve as a presence that will firmly help you when something happens.

I will try to make one with my own hands, too!

Thank you for reading until the end🍀