I don't dislike you, I'm just about to break—The defense known as fearful-avoidant shutdown [A record of the tremors]

This article is a record for putting into words the "tremors" that have occurred within you.

The inexplicable sense of discomfort, or the sudden unease that settles deep in your chest. Here, we will neither deny nor analyze those small changes.

If you have received someone's silence or a change in their warmth, and your own heart has been shaken, you may leave that pain here as well.

I only wish to quietly state that the tremors you felt are not yours alone.

If there are fragments that cannot be put into words, please leave them as they are. By overlapping with someone else's pain, you may find your breath returning just a little.

People may forget a romance, but they never forget a secure base.
Even if love ends, attachment does not.
No matter what life she chooses, those tremors will continue quietly.

These words might not be understood by a "normal view of romance."

"If you have a boyfriend, you shouldn't be shaken," "There's no need to think about what's over," "You should just forget it."

There are those who would think that.

But the tremors of the fearful-avoidant type are not a romantic reaction, but an attachment reaction. That is why, even when the romance ends, the tremors do not.

From here on is a record of those tremors.

○ The day I fell into a shutdown

That day, we were close from the morning. There were smiles. There was dependency. It was clear that she needed me.

However, the moment we got too close, something quietly collapsed.

Suddenly, it became quiet. No eye contact. The voice disappeared.

A silence that looks like rejection. But that was not rejection; it was

a defense mechanism saying, 'If we get any closer, I will break'.

A fearful-avoidant shutdown does not happen because you have come to dislike someone, but

when your feelings of affection become so strong that they become frightening.

○ The "rebound" after romantic feelings become too strong

That day, her emotions were certainly strong. Dependency, reliance, special treatment. The distance was too close, and she herself could not keep up with her own emotions.

That rebound manifests as a shutdown.

Trapped by the fear that "if I get close, I will break."
So I keep my distance.
But I don't leave completely.

○ What happened the next day

The next day, she was cheerful.
She showed no attitude of rejection toward me.

However, my LINE messages remained unread.
Her social media remained hidden.

There was distance, yet she hadn't left.
Rejection and confirmation were happening at the same time.

"I want to get closer"
"But I'm scared"
"But I don't want to leave"
"But I don't want to break"

That contradiction seeped into every action.
This is the "sway" that appears most strongly the day after a shutdown.

○ The time it takes to recover varies from person to person

There is no set time for recovering from a shutdown.

Sometimes it takes a few hours to return.
Sometimes it takes a few days.
Sometimes it can last for weeks or even longer.

It changes depending on the other person's state and the depth of the shutdown.
However, what they had in common was the order:
"Recovering from the outside in."

○ Recovering little by little

As time passes, her expression returns little by little.
Her voice softens.
She spends more time looking at me.
A small smile returns.

However, LINE messages are still unread.
Social media doesn't fully return either.

Even though the outside has recovered, the inside is still swaying.

Fear-avoidant recovery proceeds in the order of
"Outside → Inside."

Even if the outside returns, the fear inside does not disappear immediately.
Even after a few weeks, it may not fully return.

That is a deep shutdown that only happens when the other person gets close enough to almost break.

○ My own sway

Have I been hated?
Am I being avoided?
Is it already over?

There were many moments when I thought so.

But all of her actions were
not "rejection" but "defense".

I want to get closer, but I can't.
I want to leave, but I can't.

It wasn't just her who was swaying within that contradiction;
I was the same.

I was swaying because I couldn't understand.

〇 This swaying might overlap with someone else's.

If you, too, have
had similar silences, similar rejections, or similar contradictions,
I want you to leave them here.

The swaying from the day after a shutdown until recovery is
not rejection, but "the temperature of when the heart cannot keep up"
.

The time for recovery differs depending on the person.
But the structure is the same.

Even if people forget about romance, they never forget their secure base.
Even if love ends, attachment does not.

The swaying of a shutdown was
not "dislike," but
"a defense to keep from breaking".

And that defense
quietly leads to the answer of
who she chose,
and why I wasn't chosen.

What lies beyond this swaying
is placed gently in a quiet place.