Part 4.5: Why Do They Come Back After Running Away? — A Record of 5 'Rebound Patterns' in Fear-Avoidant Types

This article is a record for you, who are being worn down by a fear-avoidant person.
There are no solutions here.
I have not placed any methods for fixing things or finding the right distance here.
I only wish to quietly leave here the fact that
the 'inexplicable pain',
the 'swaying for which you don't know the reason',
and the 'moments when you feel like you are the only one suffering'
that you are feeling right now,
are not yours alone.

There are moments when I thought, 'It's the same thing again.'
Even if the person is different, even if the situation is different,
for some reason, I end up back in the same place.

I will quietly leave the true nature of that 'it's the same thing again' here.

※ For first-time readers: Please first read 'Part 0: Why Does the Silence of a Fear-Avoidant Type Make You Suffer?'

〇 Patterns of Rebound

From here on, I will leave behind as a record the 'rebound patterns' I have witnessed myself.

Regardless of the situation or the person,
for some reason, they all had the same structure.

① Sudden closing of distance → Avoidance immediately after

The distance suddenly closes.
Smiles increase.
Conversation flows.
They look at you often.

'Are they in a good mood today?'
Just as I think that, they suddenly turn cold the next day.
Sometimes they even turn cold just a few hours later.

Replies become slow,
eye contact is lost,
and only an inexplicable sense of discomfort remains.

As much as the sense of security increases, the fear also increases.
There is a box for receiving security and affection,
and it triggers the moment that box overflows.
(It is like having a small 'capacity' for receiving affection.)

② Escaping immediately after showing vulnerability

The more a person shows their vulnerability on a given day,
the stronger the subsequent avoidance becomes.

・They cried
・They talked about their worries
・They let their true feelings slip
・They acted spoiled

After such 'moments of opening their heart,' there is always distance created.

It is not that they are ashamed of themselves for showing vulnerability,
but rather a fear arises that 'if I get any closer, I will break.'

They dislike themselves for showing weakness,
and judge that I have felt discomfort toward them.
(This is because they have learned from past experiences that 'vulnerability equals being rejected.')

③ Avoiding only at night / Running away only during specific times

I have experienced this myself many times.

We talk normally during the day, but they suddenly distance themselves at night.

・Replies stop
・Suddenly making other plans
・Running away to another place

Night is a time when emotions intensify.
That is precisely why they run away to avoid their 'overly sensitive self'.

This pattern was especially strong with a partner who had been violent in the past.

4. Running away to someone else (but coming back)

This is easily misunderstood.

Going to someone else does not mean they have started to dislike you.

On the contrary, they run away because you are special to them.

It is easier on their heart to be with someone they do not have a deep relationship with.

A place of only stimulation,
a place without responsibility,
a place where emotions are not stirred.

They run there,
and once they calm down, they come back again.

They seek 'security' in me,
and 'escape' in others.
These two are not contradictions; they exist simultaneously.

Security and escape coexist within the same person.
That is exactly why they come back.

5. The contradiction of 'it should be over, but it isn't'

Even though they should have left, they come back again.
Even though I should have let go, I waver again.

It should be over, but it isn't.
We should have separated, but we cannot.

This 'contradiction' is the essence of the rebound.

By distancing themselves, their fear decreases,
they gain the composure to look back on the past,
and along with those memories, the sense of security they felt when we were together comes rushing back.

This is also proof that you were special.

○ The rebound is the other person's issue and has nothing to do with your worth

The rebound is
neither a lack of charm on your part nor a lack of effort.

It is caused by
the clash between 'wanting to feel secure' and 'being afraid'
within the other person.

It is not your fault.
In fact, it is a phenomenon that occurs precisely because you are a 'person they can feel secure with.'

Please, I want you to remember at least that much.

○ Dealing with the rebound

Even though there is no emotional clash,
before you know it, both you and the other person are exhausted.

I believe this structure is the most troublesome part of the rebound.

There were times when I chose to do nothing.
I didn't chase, I didn't attack, I just waited for time to pass.

I still don't know if that was the right thing to do.

However, only the feeling that no matter what I did, I would return to the same place remained.

Choosing to do nothing does not mean ignoring them.
It just means not moving.

I don't know if that time will be a few days, a few months,
or something even longer.

The only thing I can say is
that even so, daily life continues.

This choice doesn't necessarily fulfill your feelings.

Even so,
it is not your fault.
You were just caught up in the structure.
That is the only thing I can say.

○ Next time

Next time, I will write about how to face this swaying,
and the 'ways of keeping distance' I have chosen myself.

What kind of 'rebound' have you experienced?
Please leave a fragment of it here.

※ For first-time readers: Please first read 'Part 0: Why does the silence of a fear-avoidant type cause you pain?'