⑫ Saved in both heart and body
Ten years have passed since then, and I remarried at 40.
A lot has happened in that time.
Mostly regarding the children.
The three of us were always going out and spending time together happily.
Sometimes the gas or electricity would get cut off and we'd have to go to a public bath, but I was just happy that the three of us could spend time together without stress.
Not once did they ever tell me it was hard not having a father.
When my younger child was in the third grade, they were hospitalized for three weeks with acute nephritis caused by a streptococcal infection.
Their blood pressure reached 180, they had convulsions, and were taken by ambulance.
The three of us rode in the ambulance, and I held hands with my older child and prayed for their safety.
When my older child was in their first year of high school, they were hospitalized for a month in the ICU with pericarditis caused by a streptococcal infection.
Perhaps due to the inflammation, they suffered from temporary memory loss, and I became anxious about what would happen in the future.
Both of them joined the same club in junior high school and went to the same high school on sports recommendations.
I accompanied them to training camps and made 1kg bento boxes every day; thanks to the children, I was able to live a fulfilling life.
My older child was rebellious in their second year of high school, getting picked up by the police and coming home in the morning smelling of alcohol, and there were times I sent them straight to school like that.
I wondered if my parenting was bad, and raising two boys alone was a constant source of anxiety, but considering my experiences up to that point, I was able to overcome it.
I was also able to meet someone important.
Divorce high.
When the three of us started living together, I think that's what it was like.
I married at 20 and hadn't had any fun for 10 years.
For all the time I had been quiet, I started interacting with many more people.
I went out drinking often, and I took my children with me and had them play with various people.
When I went out drinking at night, I started getting invited out more.
The people who invited me were people I had known for a long time, who used incidents with shop staff as fodder for their drinking.
For such people, I truly felt nothing but a sense of "nothingness"—they didn't matter at all.
It was a sense of liberation from having endured so many things until now, and conversely, a temporary fix to fill the vague anxiety and loneliness of the future. I spent nights with those people.
In the midst of that, the man I met didn't pay any attention to me at first.
I liked him and asked him to go out with me several times, but he turned me down, saying he couldn't seriously date a divorcee with children and couldn't take that responsibility.
However, I was persistent.
I didn't want to get hurt or feel sad, so I had been hanging out with random people who didn't matter, but I gradually stopped.
I think it took about three years until he started looking at me properly.
I believe that his sincerity saved both my heart and my body.
He works hard, doesn't break the law, and doesn't look like the type to be stopped by the police for questioning.
These are obvious things, but since it hadn't been like that before, it felt very fresh and was full of a sense of security.
We ate delicious food together, he listened to the children's worries, and when I was hospitalized for cervical cancer at 38, he stayed with me along with the children.
Ten years after we met, when we reported the pregnancy and marriage to his parents, they cried with joy.
I was very worried that they wouldn't like me marrying a divorcee, but they were so happy that it was an unprecedented experience and I was very moved.
He and his family were all kind people, and I was grateful.
Yes, I gave birth to my third boy for the first time in 17 years.
The older children have also become independent, and I have been able to lead a secure life with my new family of three.