I felt like I was told I wasn't serious. A complete record of thinking for myself and taking the first step, even if it's clumsy | Diary | Essay

Hello! It's Mai!

Since there are no Brex games this week, I'm spending a slightly quieter weekend than usual ☕️

Actually, I'd like to say "I'm home!", but I'll save that for a little later 😂

For now, I'm back quietly, with the stance of writing when I want to write, and writing whenever I feel like it.

Today, I want to talk about why I left note. About what exactly "snapped" inside me one month ago.

After a three-week break, I'd like to write down "my answer," which has slowly come into view, in my own words.

The three months where I wanted to be called "amazing" and was afraid of not being recognized

For about three months, starting from the end of September.

I was desperately chasing know-how on "how to get more reads," and I felt like I was seriously facing note in my own way.

But during that time, my heart was constantly screaming.

The fear of "what if I'm not recognized?" The inferiority complex of feeling like I was being compared to the amazing people around me.

In truth, I just wanted someone to tell me "You're amazing" or "You're working hard."

And yet, I would suddenly feel hurt, imagining that people thought,
"You're not trying hard enough"
"You're not serious"
about me.

And then, when I suddenly took an objective perspective, I couldn't look away from the fact that "I'm just not good enough as I am now."

I felt like I had nowhere left to run because my seriousness hadn't been conveyed.

"Oh, even though I'm trying so hard"

More than not selling, more than my likes not increasing, the day I felt like I was thought of as "not serious" was much more painful.

Using "busy" as an excuse to protect myself

At the time, I was running away from that pain by blaming "others" or "the environment."

In November, I was promoted to "Chief" at work. My responsibilities grew, and my daily tasks were like a battlefield.

In my private life,
I was also studying for the 'Real Estate Notary' exam
as a precursor to the Administrative Scrivener exam.
But I caught COVID,
and because of the high fever, I couldn't even take the test.

'I'm busy.'
'I got sick, so it can't be helped.'

That's how
I desperately built a shield of excuses.

To look away
from the painful reality that 'my amount of action is insufficient.'

I had abandoned 'thinking for myself.'

But after staying away from note for three weeks,
I finally realized the truth.
It's no one's fault.
There was definitely a part of me that was running away.

For those three months, while saying I was 'serious,'
I had actually completely abandoned
'thinking for myself.'

I traced someone else's correct answer,
clung to know-how
about 'how to grow,'
'What do I want to do?'
'Why do I want to write?'
and ran away from the most important parts.

So, when reality hit me
with the numbers of my action volume,
I didn't know what else to do,
and my heart just snapped.

I was the one who kept denying myself,
measuring myself with other people's yardsticks,
and getting hurt on my own;
it was no one else but me.

A month ago, when the thread snapped. And the 'answer I found while resting'

Since the beginning of this year,
I managed to cling on
while somehow reducing my update frequency.

But exactly one month ago,
my heart, which could no longer be deceived,
finally snapped with a sound.

However, I couldn't
delete my note account.

I couldn't even
delete the app from my smartphone.

'I can't delete the account. The fact that I can't delete the app means the answer is already out there. I'm just afraid of quitting.'

During these three weeks that I stopped,
I faced those clumsy, honest feelings of mine,
and there is finally an
'answer I found while resting'that I can see.

My 'seriousness'
is not something to be shown through flashy amounts of action.

It's not about posting every day,
or being recognized by someone as 'amazing.'

It's about continuing to write while thinking with my own head,
even if it's clumsy and even if I'm struggling.

Having said that, to be honest, I don't know if I will be able to
'keep updating forever' from here on out.

I am sure there will be days when I get tired and stop again.
Those days will definitely come.

But, it's okay to rest,
as long as you 'don't quit completely.'
That is my seriousness right now.

Because,
the past version of me who almost broke many times,
was saved many times by 'people who keep going, even if not perfectly, in a gritty way (while taking breaks sometimes).'

So this time, I will be that person.

I don't have the power to
change someone's life in a big way, but
'Maybe I'll try for just one more day at my own pace'if I can be the trigger for someone to think that,
that is enough.

I will move forward, remaining weak.

I'll be honest.
I am not strong.
There are days when I fear evaluation,
and I think days will come when I feel down comparing myself to others again.

But,I won't pretend to be strong anymore.
My 'weak self',
and my 'self that made excuses and ran away',
I will leave them all here without hiding them.

If that true-to-life figure
can turn into someone's comfort of
'it's okay for me to be weak too'.

Because that is,
the thing that would make me happiest right now.

It's okay to be slow.
It's okay not to be flashy.
I will move forward at my own pace.

If you'd like,
I would be happy if I could walk together with
'people who have also felt distressed by others' standards'.

Thank you for reading
until the end.

I won't say 'I'm home' just yet.
But, I am definitely here.