The Day I Realized What I Wanted and Obtained It June 27, 2025
This morning, I tidied up before doing my usual cleaning.
The dog toys I left scattered last night, and the socks I had kicked off.
While picking them up, I didn't feel any annoyance or bother at all,
and I found myself saying out loud, 'Ah, I'm happy.'
I was surprised.
I realized why I like the time I spend cleaning alone in the morning.
It's because I feel happy.
It's fun because I remember the fun things from yesterday.
It's fun to clean and have things become tidy.
And, it's because it feels comfortable to feel the present moment.
For the first time, I realized that this is what it means for me to feel happy.
When I was receiving coaching, my coach would persistently ask me,
'What are your current emotions?' and 'What are you thinking?'
They also asked, 'Why is that fun? Why do you dislike it?'
I know that when asked questions, the brain searches for answers.
I knew that, but only as knowledge; I hadn't experienced it physically.
I continued coaching for half a year, but I didn't understand it during that time.
After that, there were times when I felt good or liked something for some reason.
I felt it, but what was beyond that? I didn't understand the underlying feeling.
Now, I finally understand.
It's a state where my heart feels calm, or rather, my feet are firmly planted on the ground while my heart is excited.
This was the sense of security I had been seeking all along.
To be precise, I wasn't even aware that I was seeking it.
Because I only knew 'security' as a concept, not as a physical experience.
When I was a child, I was afraid of my parents and was always trembling.
Being a cheerful and attentive child was just a facade.
I thought that if I were a child like that, I wouldn't be hated and would be accepted,
so I was just acting like that kind of person.
I also thought that's what happens when you are raised by parents who don't get along.
Because I had been enduring it for so long, before I knew it, I had become a person full of dissatisfaction, looking only at people's shortcomings and criticizing them.
Since I was only looking at the negative, as a result, I only noticed the negative in myself, leading to a painful, difficult, and boring life.
Books often say that 'people only see what they want to see,' but
that's what it meant.
I have been living with the wrong settings.
I will return to my true self.
The real me is a person who wants to live quietly, slowly, and carefully.
Yesterday, my husband spoke to me, but it was hard to hear, so when I said 'Huh?',
my husband said in a strong tone, 'I said, we're going out at 10 tomorrow...'
I asked, 'Are you angry?'
My husband said, 'I'm not angry.'
Usually, the conversation would end here, and I would be left feeling unsettled.
But this time, I said, 'It scares me when you speak to me in such a strong tone.
I've asked you if you're angry many times recently, but you haven't changed it, have you?
It scares me, so please don't speak like that anymore.'
I was able to say this clearly and calmly, to my own surprise.
Being able to express my true feelings that I'm scared without getting angry is because I feel safe and trust him.
After that, my heart remained calm and as it usually is, and my husband was the same.
I thought, maybe this is what a family is.
I want to spend time at home calmly but happily.
Looking back, for the past two weeks or so, I've felt like 'this feels good' or 'I'm calm.'
Even if I try to remember, I don't recall the triggers or events.
Only this feeling remains.
How wonderful and easy to live would it be if every day continued like this?
Perhaps people who spend their days in a good mood live like this every day.
Maybe I have finally joined their ranks.
I will write it once more.
I am a person who wants to live quietly, slowly, and carefully.
I should just live according to this.
If I do that, I can live easily and happily.