Photography rescued the desires I couldn't put into words

It's been a while. This is Madu.
I am finally turning half a century old next month in September 😳
First of all, I am grateful that I have survived this long.

When I was 13, I was suddenly hospitalized and had surgery.

Even though I was planning to return to the basketball team I loved so much,
a large scar remained on my stomach, and on top of that, I contracted hepatitis as a secondary infection from the surgery.

The life of "doing what I love" that I had taken for granted until then
was suddenly turned upside down 180 degrees.

Carrying the label of illness, which I hadn't chosen for myself,
while being tossed about by the gap between hope and reality,
I have somehow managed to navigate this heart, body, and soul.

But before I knew it, now,
although it's not 100%,
I am doing what I want to do 🎉

I started to feel that way only after I began taking photographs.

It's been about five years since I started taking portraits.
And recently, I realized something.

Photography is a tool that fulfills people's desires.

Having said that,
it's not just superficial desires like
"I want you to take a beautiful picture of me" or
"I want a profile picture."

It's about desires that are deeper in the heart,
desires that the person themselves hasn't even been able to put into words yet.
I realized this when I became the subject myself.

During a photoshoot, I had a friend take pictures of me.
At that time, regardless of whether it was good or bad,
I just danced with all my heart and soul.

The way I wanted to dance.
The way I wanted to move.

And then, I looked straight into the camera lens.
A friend I could trust was snapping away, completely absorbed in it.

When I saw the photos later, I was moved to tears.
There was a version of myself there that I could never meet just by looking in a mirror.

Not to be evaluated by someone,
and not to look good,

I just wanted someone to see me expressing myself.
I was able to see that for myself.
I was able to see myself 😭

"This is what I wanted to do"

The self that is fulfilling that. And the self that is watching that figure.
I discovered that it is a tool that allows you to experience both of these—both subjectivity and objectivity.

A desire that had always been inside me,
a desire I hadn't even been able to pick up myself.

Photography rescued it for me.
It let me know through the existence of photography.

I believe that when people truly fulfill their own desires,
they can move forward a little.

That doesn't mean getting the exact result you hoped for.

Bringing your thoughts out into the open. Expressing them.
And then, receiving them yourself.
Sometimes, just doing that can set something in motion that had been dammed up.

I used to work as a hypnotherapist.

What I realized after I started taking photos is that
whether in the past or now, even through a camera,
I am still looking at the person in front of me
with the same gaze I had back then.

I shine a light on the energy within them that has not yet taken shape
or become words.

I observe that state as it is and press the shutter.

And then, through the medium of photography,
I have them receive it.

I see, so that's what it was.
A friend who let me photograph them said that the session felt like therapy,
and that really resonates with me now.

For me, photography
is not just about leaving behind beautiful pictures.

If you want to express something, but

you don't even know what you want to express,
or you feel stuck because you're worried about what others think,
or you're feeling unsettled,

I think it's okay to fulfill your "I actually wanted to do this" just for yourself,
in a place where you don't have to show anyone.

Give yourself permission to do that. Say it's okay.
And then, try capturing that version of yourself in a photo.

When you look at the photo later,
a moment might come when you can accept yourself,
thinking, "Ah, I was truly here,"
or "I'm glad I'm alive."
Because that's how it was for me.

I believe that photography has that kind of power.

Photography rescues unspoken desires.

As I approach half a century of life,
that is how I view the existence of photography now.