I read a letter from my mother from 18 years ago, and it overlapped with who I am now, making me cry.

I used to think my mother wasn't very interested in me.

My mother was cheerful, always high-spirited, clumsy as if she had jumped out of a manga world, and I thought she never had any worries. But when I lived with her (until I was twenty), we weren't particularly close. It's not that we had a bad relationship, but I was always watching my overly cheerful mother with a cool, detached eye.

During my middle school to high school years, my so-called adolescence, I had a solid rebellious phase, and although it wasn't intense, I just found my mother annoying. I think I probably said a lot of things that hurt her.

Now that I'm an adult, I don't remember why I was so confrontational or why I acted so rebelliously. It's strange that while I clearly remember fun memories with friends, I only have vague memories of the inconvenient things involving my family.

This happened a little while ago.

Among the packages sent from my parents' home, there was a class graduation anthology that my homeroom teacher had made when I graduated middle school. I had no idea why they sent it here now, but I felt nostalgic and opened it.

The pages for everyone in the class of 3-2 at the time were assigned as a two-page spread for each person, and they had written memories and messages for everyone in the class. My page was filled with feelings of how much I loved class 2 and how my friends were the best, written in embarrassingly cheesy words that I couldn't bear to read.

In it, there was also a section called Messages from Parents to Their Children. I had absolutely no memory of what was written there, so I started reading it as if seeing it for the first time.

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If there is a time in life that shines the brightest, I think it might be now, when you have opened the door to youth. These are three years where you are neither a child nor an adult, and where the things you know and the things you want to know have increased before you knew it. Three years that passed gently, and at times, intensely fast.

My daughter, who is sensitive, delicate, on the verge of breaking, and yet rebellious, was very difficult to handle. We couldn't understand each other in our hearts, our feelings didn't get across, and there were times when things simmered like magma. There were times when we broke the silence and exploded, but that was all a path to becoming an adult, wasn't it?

If a parent could look at their child with more relaxed and generous heart, as if they were looking at their own grandchild, perhaps we wouldn't clash so much. But parents are parents, and on that day and at that time, they are doing their best, standing firm for their children. Yes, we are doing our best, believing that one day you will understand. In truth, I know you find me annoying, and I know you want to be left alone. But, I can't do that just yet. Even if we stay silent, the time will come when you leave the nest. Until that day, I'm sure we will both do our best.

Right now, your friends are the most important thing, and I'm sure it's so much fun when you're with them, so I think you are spending a blessed youth. Since it's not fun alone, I want you to continue to cherish the friends who support you and the friends you laugh with, and I want you to walk strongly through your youth, which you have just opened the door to, even if you get hurt. I want you to leave firm footprints on the steep path and push forward.

From Mother

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The moment I read this, I burst into tears.

I had completely forgotten that my mother had left such words for me when I was in middle school. Honestly, I forgot what I thought when I saw this back then. But now, about 18 years later, reading it after becoming a parent myself, it hit my heart with a heavy weight. *BGM in my head: Kiroro's 'Mirai e' (To the Future)

At the time, I couldn't even begin to imagine that my mother was struggling and dealing with such conflicts in her heart. I didn't really think of my mother as anything other than a 'mother,' let alone as a human being.

Thinking about it now, I feel like a middle schooler should be able to consider their parents' feelings a bit more... but honestly, to me back then, my mother was nothing more than a mother. I was too embarrassed to speak my true feelings, and I couldn't be honest with her. (Sometimes I'd reject that kindness... unable to be honest with the mother I'd grown apart from... by Kiroro)

But.

It goes without saying, but she had real emotions, she worried, and she was thinking about me. And, just as the text said, it wasn't until I left the nest and had a child of my own that I was finally able to understand a parent's feelings.

That was the moment my assumption that a mother is only a mother changed.

Right now, I am struggling with the exact same feelings. My son lately (or rather, always? lol) just won't listen to a word I say. I scold him believing that he'll understand someday, but it doesn't resonate at all. It's gotten to the point where I wonder if my scolding is actually making him grow up to be even more rebellious.

Even though I know it's pitiful to be angry all the time, I start by gently cautioning him about his silly attitude, selfishness, or not doing things like cleaning up or brushing his teeth even after I've told him multiple times, but then my brow gradually furrows, and in the end, I get angry and fall into self-loathing for doing it again... it's a repeating cycle.

Of course, there are times when I praise him, and on rare occasions, there are days where I think, 'Hey, didn't I end the day on a pretty good note!?'

Honestly, it's not so much that parenting is tough, but rather,it's tough to feel like 'a version of myself that is always scolding.'

When I was single, I wasn't the type to get angry or irritated with people, and I lived a gentle and calm life (or so I pride myself).

And yet, now I find myself snapping and nagging so often that I wonder where my calm self went... this isn't me... I'm not me if I'm not me... (that's Gesu no Kiwami Otome).

I should have had a more gentle personality, so I feel disgusted that I've become someone whose personality has changed. = It's tough.

And then, while watching him sleep soundly at night, I reflect,'I'm sorry, I'll be kinder tomorrow.'(Though in the end, I cross the line of anger the next day too.) That infinite loop.

I love my son so much and he's so precious to me, so why do I get so irritated? How long will this last? I'm so far from my ideal image of a mother. To begin with, what is an ideal? Why did I fall in love with you (that's Tohoshinki) (nostalgic).

No matter how much I think about it, I can't just abandon him, so I'm hanging in there. No matter how tired I am or how tough I think it is, there's no option to quit halfway through.

If only I could have been a mother with a bigger heart, more composure, and always in a good mood. What if my son doesn't feel my love? I thought about things like that over and over again. Maybe my mother felt the same way when she was raising me. When I thought about that, I somehow cried.

There isn't a parent who doesn't cherish their child, is there?

Five years old is just the very beginning of parenting. It's only just started. I'm sure I'll worry countless more times from here on out. If this is how it is even during this cute period when he still can't even take a bath by himself, what will happen during his teenage years? Scary. I have to stay strong.

I can see that I will feel lonely when you no longer need so much care.

Just as I look back fondly on the time you were a baby, a future will come where I look back fondly on this very moment. A future will surely come where I look at this quiet house and feel nostalgic, thinking, 'It used to be so messy and lively back then...' If that's the case, I should savor these moments while you still need me a little more properly.

I've said a lot of things, but.

It is the nature of children not to care what their parents think.You don't need to know about a parent's struggles or worries. In fact, it's fine if you don't care at all. As long as you find what you want to do and friends you can spend your life with, and live a happy life, that is enough. Just as I have lived my life. Just as my parents allowed me to do.

(The beginning shows my mother holding me, the end shows me holding my son)