Goodbye to the days that are painful and suffocating

Since I quit my job, I've found myself thinking more and more about the meaning of life—what it means to be alive like this right now.

When I was a student, I had studies, club activities, and social circles, and after I started working, I had my job.
Thanks to those activities, I was able to live without thinking too deeply about things, in a sense.

But now, it's different.

With time that feels infinite despite being finite, I have a brain and thoughts that only end up dwelling on unnecessary things.

Three days ago, I went to Bookoff.

That Bookoff is located on the third floor of a commercial complex, and I always take the escalator to get there.
Right by the entrance is the purchase reception counter, and if you go to the right, there is a row of trading cards that evoke both nostalgia and current trends.
I walk past such sights, heading deeper and deeper into the store because the used book section is further ahead.

The commercial complex also has a bookstore. It's quite large, too, with a rich selection of paperbacks, new releases, manga, and picture books. But when I go to Bookoff, I don't want new books; I want used books that still bear the traces of someone else having bought and read them.

I walk windingly, just vaguely gazing at the rows of shelves divided into Japanese authors, foreign authors, and historical novels. I said 'vaguely,' but it's not that I'm not thinking about anything.
I walk with my antennas sharpened, looking for a work that might strike a chord with me somewhere.

In the end, I usually just get distracted by the names of famous literary masters or authors I'm interested in.
That's why I rarely pick up books by people I don't know at all, but the other day, my eyes landed on the name of an author called Maiko Seo.

Perhaps I was being drawn in by my college friend, Seo-kun.
We shared the same birthday, and even though we hadn't been in touch for a while, he sent me a LINE message just the other day wishing me a happy birthday, which made me happy.

While feeling ashamed that I was so wrapped up in my own affairs that I couldn't send him a happy birthday LINE message myself, I felt grateful that he reached out and kept our connection alive.

Let's drink some delicious sake on our birthday sometime.

There were about ten of Maiko Seo's books lined up on the shelf, and among them was a work titled 'Heaven is Still Far Away.' The reason I was interested was clear: I like a song called 'Heaven is Still Far' by the singer-songwriter Lovely Summer-chan.

I picked up the book and read the synopsis on the back cover.

I'm not 23-year-old Chizuru, and I don't intend to die for the time being. Of course, I've never had the experience of being surrounded by easygoing villagers and the great outdoors either.
It's just that I know all too well the days where work and relationships don't go well, and it's so painful it feels suffocating.

I decided to buy this book.

While deciding, I looked over other works by Maiko Seo on the shelf. There was a work called 'And, the Baton Was Passed.' It has been made into a movie starring Mei Nagano.

I remember well that two years ago, I watched it on Airbnb with my then-girlfriend and cried so hard it was embarrassing.
I haven't had many experiences in my life where I showed my emotions so openly in front of others.

The only other time I remember is when I got too drunk on a trip to Ehime and Kochi a few months ago, and I ended up crying after getting into an argument with a friend who made fun of me for being drunk.

With all these elements connecting like this, it feels like fate that I happened to pick it up.

But recently, I have stopped using the word fate so lightly.

The allure of the word 'fate' is terrifying.
It has a warm image, as if it suddenly arrives and unconditionally saves you. But at the same time, it also has a cold image, as if it is supernatural and indifferent to human endeavors, implying that your own efforts and will have nothing to do with it.

As if possessed by that allure, I have often waited for fate until now. Someday I will be saved, someday I will be rewarded, someday I will meet someone. I kept thinking about things like that and felt pessimistic when comparing them to my current situation.

But I'm going to put an end to that too.
Fate is something you take hold of with your own will. The reason for picking it up can be anything. Like when I picked up 'Heaven is Still Far Away,' it could be something as simple as the author and a friend having the same last name, or the title being similar to a song I like.

And let's get used to being a perfectionist, seeking solid reasons and meanings for everything, getting tired from worrying about the feelings of people I don't even like, and being swayed by things that haven't even happened yet.

It will be a slightly more adventurous way of living than before, so I don't know what lies ahead and it's scary.

But I've always been in the dark about things anyway.

Come to think of it, even with entrance exams, I chose schools without really knowing what I was doing, studied past exams, and just kept working at my desk while finding my own way to fight, and then it was over.

Job hunting was even more confusing; I was scared when everyone suddenly started doing internships and company research, so I acted cynical and showed an attitude of not taking it seriously.
In reality, I was just scared that self-analysis would expose my incompetence and emptiness to the light of day, so I left it vague. It's impossible that I was incompetent or empty, but I decided that on my own and came to believe it.

I have finally become able to honestly accept such a past. Without putting on airs or unnecessarily belittling myself, I just accept things as they are.

Strangely enough, once I accepted it, the suffocating feelings and the mornings I woke up feeling apologetic became less frequent.

There are still many things I don't understand, like the meaning of life or the reason for living, but stopping by a Book-Off, encountering a book, and gaining a certain sense of ease might be a big step for me.

And I believe that choosing the path ahead with that sense of ease is what we call courage.