"I'll Tell You Everything About My Ronin Life" - The Reality of Ronin Life ①-➓

March.
A sense of realization that it was over, and emptiness. The Common Test, the secondary exams, and the private university exams were all finished, and there was nothing left to do.
While people in the world who had been cramming until the very last moment were breathing a sigh of relief, saying they were "finally liberated," for me, that "liberation" had become a "void." Only time remained in excess.

Even though the weight of studying should have been lifted, I felt as if a hole had suddenly opened up in my daily life.

Days spent just waiting for the results.
The acceptance announcement was still far off, and nothing was beginning.
I had confidence. I certainly felt that I had done everything I could in my own way. That's why I hadn't studied at all for the late-term exams. I would stay at my girlfriend's house, wake up, eat something, talk, and sleep. Those were my days.

But at night, it would suddenly cross my mind.
"Was that really okay?"
"What if I didn't pass?"

Even though I should have had confidence, the shadow of anxiety crept in little by little. Perhaps that is why I hadn't studied for the late-term exams.
The very act of "preparing for the late-term exams" felt like admitting that I might fail, and that scared me.
I wanted to cling to something, but I felt that "something" was no longer in my hands, and nights spent staring into the void continued.

And then, the day of the announcement came.
March 6, 2025.
The previous year, for the Nagoya Institute of Technology announcement, I thought, "I'm going to fail anyway," and opened the site immediately. But this time was different.
Kobe University.
Although it was from 10:00 AM, I didn't actually open the site until nearly 12:00 PM. I was ready to open the site at 10:00 AM...
I think I was afraid of something.
And that day, at my girlfriend's house, we looked at the smartphone screen together.
Even though the announcement was from 10:00 AM, I was only able to open the page near noon. I was scared.
I might have failed. I didn't want to see it. But if I didn't look, nothing would begin.

I held my breath and opened the page.
There, the word "Accepted" was written.

In that moment, something quietly unraveled.
Everything—I felt forgiven.

Not going to cram school.
Just playing around for three years of high school.
Self-love.
Having a girlfriend even though I was a ronin.
Pretending to study until the middle of the night while just watching soccer.
And because of that, not being able to wake up in the morning and skipping classes many times.

All the regrets, contradictions, and weaknesses I couldn't tell anyone.

For that moment only, I felt that all of them were forgiven.
Ah, it's over—I thought.

I contacted my high school teacher immediately.
But I didn't contact the cram school. Since I was no longer receiving anything from them, I didn't feel any obligation to report it.

Spring had come.
It was over.
It was a year that felt long yet short, but ultimately long.

⸻

Finally, let's revisit that saying.

"They say university is the summer vacation of life, but perhaps being a ronin was the spring vacation of life."

Now that I have entered Kobe University and started living alone, I finally realize.
Ronin life was not just lonely and painful.
It was certainly a "protected time."

I could stay at home without doing anything, meals were provided, and reference books were bought for me.
Everything necessary for life was prepared, and it was an environment where I only had to "study."
There were no social responsibilities or the hassles of daily life there.

By being a ronin, I think I was able to feel the "gratitude for my parents," which I had taken for granted as a high school student, more deeply and realistically.
When I was a high school student, having a home, having meals provided, and having reference books bought for me were "natural," but going to school as a student was also an "obligation."
But looking back on that year as a ronin, a time when I was allowed to be a "person who just studies lazily," I realize how abnormal and how blessed it was.

Gratitude that you feel because you are told to "be more grateful" has no meaning.

I truly think that was the case.

That spring was an end, and a beginning.
And above all, it was a long spring vacation with myself.