How to Draw Boundaries: Separating Others' Moods from 'My Worth'

It's Luna!
This time, we're talking about boundaries ☺️

When someone in a bad mood is nearby, my heart tightens as if I've done something wrong.
Even after returning home or to the office, I start a one-person reflection session, wondering, 'Was the way I said that not good?' or 'Maybe I did something to upset them.'

Are you spending your nights like that?

You sensitively pick up on the atmosphere around you and changes in others' expressions, and you immediately blame yourself. This happens precisely because you are a kind and sensitive person who cares deeply about those around you.

But it's okay to end the days where you take on everyone else's moods and wear yourself out.

Why do we think, 'Maybe it's my fault'?

When faced with someone in a bad mood, an equation of 'their bad mood = my fault' can unconsciously form in your mind in an instant.
This is not because your personality is weak, nor is it because there is a problem with your character.

It is simply your brain's way of protecting itself (a cognitive habit) that is unconsciously replaying past patterns.

'If I make them angry, I might lose my place.'
'I have to be correct first so I don't get rejected.'


Because there was a time when you had to suppress yourself and prioritize the expectations and moods of those around you just to survive, your brain is now in a state of sounding excessive alert warnings.

Separating 'the other person's issue' from 'my worth'

Let's stop here for a moment and sort this out.

When someone is in a bad mood, the one who is choosing to feel and project that bad mood is, entirely,
'the other person's issue'.

Maybe they are hungry, or maybe something unpleasant happened at work.

Or perhaps they just don't know how to control their own emotions.

That is not an area you can control.

Other people's emotions and your own worth are fundamentally separate things that have nothing to do with each other.

When you hear 'drawing boundaries,' you might feel like it means 'coldly pushing others away' or 'becoming arrogant.'

However, that is not the case.
Drawing boundaries is not about being selfish; it is a quiet choice to 'return the responsibility for the other person's emotions to them.'

You just need to stop taking on the burden of other people's bad moods.

Use a notebook to visualize the fog in your mind

For those who feel, "I understand it in my head, but
when someone is in a bad mood right in front of me,
I can't help but feel shaken,"


I recommend writing it down in a notebook to visualize it objectively.

When you are swallowed by waves of emotion,
even if you try to process it only within your thoughts (brain), you will end up returning to the same loop of self-blame.

By writing it out on paper,
for the first time, a safe "distance"
is created between your emotions and yourself.

[3 Steps to Notebook Practice]

1. Pour out facts and emotions as they are
First, write down what you feel in your notebook without denying or correcting it.

(Example: "Person X suddenly went quiet and it was scary," "It feels like they are angry and it's suffocating")


2. Separate 'facts' from 'my interpretation'
Look at what you have written,
and try to separate
"what actually happened" from
"what I added in my head."

Fact: The other person suddenly went quiet
They look like they are in a bad mood

Interpretation (Assumptions)
I did something wrong
I am being blamed

3. Quietly ask yourself questions
In your notebook, have another version of yourself ask questions gently.

First, look only at the facts.

"Is this really related to me?"

The reason why the other person went quiet
is not necessarily because of you.

They might have just gone quiet
because they were thinking about something,
and what they were thinking about might be
completely unrelated to you.

Why this question?

In this case, it is to look at the situation from a perspective that is not involved, rather than assuming that you are the cause of this fact.

By writing it in a notebook and capturing it visually,
you can make it easier for your mind to recognize
what is a fact and what is a thought (a habit of perception),
while also organizing your thoughts as you output them.

Choosing your own peace of mind
There is no need to be afraid of someone's mood,
or to hand over the reins of your life to someone else's emotions.


From today, if you see someone in a bad mood, please try whispering to yourself in your heart:
"Something must have happened."

And for the fog in your mind, quietly open your notebook and listen to your true feelings.

You do not have value because someone evaluates you; your value has been intact from the beginning simply because you are here as you are.

Let's stop being swayed by other people's moods,
draw quiet boundaries,
and choose your own peace of mind.

This time, I focused specifically on the 'mechanisms of thought (how we perceive things).'

I haven't touched upon the deeper exploration of 'why you felt that way' or 'why you perceived it that way,'
but just being able to observe things from a new perspective that changes the 'facts' and 'assumptions' will make life much easier.

Questions for Luna