The sense of discomfort in being called 'kind'

Thank you for always reading 🌷

When I am told, “You’re kind,”
I feel a sense of discomfort.

While I reply with a smile, saying, “Haha,”
I often think to myself,
that it’s actually not really the case...

I feel like it’s a defensive mechanism
to protect myself,
as I am easily hurt
by people’s emotions and tones of voice.

That is why, somewhere in my heart, I always
end up thinking,
“Wouldn’t they be happy if I did this?”

I feel like truly kind people
are not like that.

So, when I try my best to use this fake kindness,
I reach my capacity and end up completely exhausted.

I want to live more easily, but...

Why am I always like this?

I sink quietly into the depths.

******************************************

I have started looking back at the
journals and notebooks I have accumulated.

It feels like I am looking down at myself from above,
and I feel like I can be a little more objective.
I am writing these notes while facing
the objective version of myself and the version of me from that time.

That is also one of the reasons
why I am writing on note right now.

As I continue, I have started to think
that maybe I don’t have to think,
“In the end, that’s just self-centered.”

Being told, “You’re kind,”
is just a part of my actions,
and surely that is not all of who I am, right?

I tend to focus too much on the person themselves,
but the other person cannot possibly know everything about me.

Perhaps I don’t need to think about
the true meaning of those words one by one.

Ways of thinking are also habits.
There is nothing I can do about that.

So, I think it would be good to have
another drawer of thoughts to use.

When I use that drawer,
I am sure I am tired.

That is precisely why,

Sweet treats and a warm drink
in the drawer.

Ah, and let's take my favorite book along.

Let's ride my bicycle
to that place I always love.

Then, you see,
I realize that there are
so many people who don't know me.

If you'd like, please take a look at this article as well.
Every day I am swayed by my emotions,
and I keep writing them down in my planner and notebooks.
That version of myself
is unsightly,
yet dear to me.
I want to be able to think that way!
Thank you again for today 🌷