Silence

I've had a strange feeling in my throat since around the day before yesterday.
And since last night, I've had pain and a cough as well.

But I don't have a fever. My body is healthy.
So it's not a cold.

It must be a detoxification process of things I've been storing up in my body. Toxins appear in the weakest part of the body. My throat is weak, if nothing else.

Also, the throat is the fifth chakra.
It governs communication and self-expression.

Perhaps this is also a purification process to convey myself to myself and those around me in a way that is more like me and in my own unique expression than ever before.

More clearly. With true words, without lies or falsehoods.

...Well, that's how I wrote it to sound cool, haha.
Anyway, my throat is painful.

But I realized something.
Until now, I had been sacrificing myself to escape such suffering and pain.

How should I put it... I was being frantic.

I would say things I didn't even mean just to get through the moment, or I would read the room and match my tone and pace to the speed of those around me.

And I was trying to convince myself that that was harmony.

I'm afraid of being out of sync with others.
That's why I can't stop.

And I'm also afraid of silence.
That's why I can't leave any gaps.

Because my true colors would show.

Those true colors are the original self I've been hiding, the self I've been hating.

It's the self I've discarded, thinking, 'I won't be loved if I'm like this.'

Maybe the throat pain is a sign that silence is necessary.

Daring to be silent.
And observing.

That's not about the reactions on the outside, but the reactions inside myself.

The poor responsiveness of not being able to reply immediately.
The dullness of not being able to say something clever and smooth.

The truth is surely hidden within the anxiety and fear that appear on top of that.

The body is honest.
It shows me my inconveniences and shortcomings properly.

Instead of looking for other dependencies to fill the void I haven't been looking at with strong stimulation, and instead of sacrificing myself to gloss over it, this time I want to slowly draw close to it.

Saying "It's okay just as it is"

That is how I want to integrate myself.

Detox & purification period.
During this period, let's try to feel more inward.
Don't push yourself. Go at your own pace.

I want to graduate from just getting through the moment and be able to speak my true words.

I think I'll try to enjoy the silence on purpose!