Beyond Sorrow, to the Spring Table
I am currently re-reading "Power vs. Force." It says that energy levels below 200 include pride, anger, desire, fear, deep grief, apathy, guilt, and shame, and that the weakest—or perhaps strongest—of these, "shame," has an energy level of only 20, which is practically synonymous with death.
I once wrote an article stating that "purification" means diving into the sludge, embracing it, and becoming one with it. I have decided to look at each of these in turn to see if I can become one with them.
First, pride was thin to begin with. Now, it has almost completely vanished. Even logically speaking, there is no high or low, no good or bad; since everything other than my own perception is definitely an illusion, on what grounds could I possibly maintain pride?
Pride arises only from comparison with the outside world, but anger can also arise from, for example, feeling a discrepancy with one's "ideal self." In other words, there are times when negotiation with one's inner self is necessary. The causes of anger stem from animal instincts and cannot be fully listed here. However, what is common to the method of embracing it is not to assimilate with it, but to let the flames of anger burn you as they will. It is, after all, a phantom flame; once you notice it, it disappears.
Moving on, desire was likely easy for me to dissolve because I am naturally indifferent. There was a time when I wished for status, honor, and vast wealth, but as I gazed at the roots of that desire, it melted away. I live to be happy, and to be happy, one simply needs to be happy. No external factors are necessary at all.
Next is fear. As long as I exist in this world as an animal called Homo sapiens, I cannot escape the instinctive fear of an animal. But this is perfectly natural, no different from the daily maintenance of life such as eating, excreting, and sleeping. If one can see through it as merely the blessing of existence itself taking a different form, then reaching the conclusion that "when the mind is extinguished, even fire feels cool" is also perfectly natural.
Next is deep grief, but I will discuss this later. As for the next one, apathy, I can only be grateful for my birth and upbringing. I was raised freely, wrapped in love. I have been unrelated to this level of consciousness from the beginning.
Let's move on. Regarding guilt and the final fortress, shame: I have rarely felt these either. In other words, just like with the apathy mentioned earlier, I have no experience of being "punished" from the outside when I was young. At least, I cannot remember any. I described it as being raised freely, but perhaps it was at the level of being spoiled. Well, regardless, I do not see any part of me that engages in self-denial, judging myself, or punishing myself. For this, too, I am simply grateful for my birth and upbringing.
However, deep grief is completely different. I am clearly aware of both the external factors and the fact that this was once my greatest enemy. The environment in which my father took his own life while my mother was pregnant with me must have acted as the setting for it.
Well, anyway, my wife made waketakenoko-ni (simmered bamboo shoots and seaweed) today, and it was delicious. It seems it was her first time making it, but she completely redefined my concept of waketakenoko-ni. I have been blessed with a wife who is hard to come by; I am a lucky man. The sorrow of the past is melting away before a daily life filled with continuous love and gratitude.
In short, I still feel a line being drawn and we haven't fully become one, but it is likely just a matter of time. I wrote earlier that I have no desire to punish myself, but I cannot deny that when I was once ruled by sorrow, there was a part of me that tried to punish myself in order to grieve. Now that I am beginning to melt, such analysis is pointless, but still.
And there is no doubt that my wife was also a person who carried deep sorrow from her repeated defeats by atopic dermatitis. It is undeniable that there was something common between us that led us to meet and heal one another. In this regard, it is a case of 'blessing in disguise'.
In the end, this has turned into a bit of a lovey-dovey story. Rather than being celebratory, it is perhaps just naive. More than it being spring right now, my head is in the clouds.