Realizing My Assumptions 1: 'I must do it quickly'

As I learned and practiced NVC, I realized that I have many 'shoulds,' 'right things,' 'good things,' 'bad things,' 'dangers,' and 'things that must not be' within me.

So, I would like to write about the assumptions I realized I had been imposing on myself.

First, something I often do: 'I must do it quickly.'
The 'immediately' series...

I think I imposed this on myself in various situations.

I think there were some good results from that, too.

But I also feel that there were many things that were against my will.

I must understand the other person's words immediately.

I realized that I first imposed the rule that I must understand the other person's words immediately.

I thought that not understanding meant I lacked ability.

That is why I think I couldn't listen to the other person carefully.

While learning NVC, I learned how important it is to feel the other person's inner world.

But when I try to do it in daily life, I find it difficult...

While asking myself what was there and feeling my own inner state in daily life, I realized I had assumed that showing I understood the other person's words would meet the need for connection.

Conversely, I realized that I was afraid that if I couldn't understand immediately, I wouldn't be able to connect.

But I realized that this actually blocks me from listening carefully to and understanding the other person's inner world, their wishes, and the feelings they hold dear.

I always feel very disappointed on the way home, wishing I had listened more.

Wanting to understand and wanting to understand each other are important needs for me, so I feel disappointment and sadness there.

This is also one of the things I realized while feeling my emotions and needs through NVC.

I must move quickly.

I often do this in daily life as well.

My sons often tell me that I'm "impatient" or "there's no need to rush so much."

That's when I realized that my origin was to be at my own pace.

But I've come to understand that experiences from my childhood created the assumption that "if I don't hurry, it's dangerous, it's not good."

I've realized that there were experiences in school and daily life where I did things at my own pace, couldn't keep up, and felt lonely or scared.

That's when I realized I had assumed that "moving fast equals good" and "being slow equals dangerous."

There are various memories there.
As I feel the various emotions I felt at that time, I've realized my needs are

self-understanding, empathy, respect, and trust.

I also realized that I put too much effort into my daily life and work.

I also realized that when it gets busy at my restaurant job, my fear accelerates, and I put pressure on myself or put myself in a state of hyper-tension.

Since then, I've started working at my own pace instead of rushing in my daily life and work.

I feel that I can act from a place of security, and that working at my own pace reduces mistakes and forgetfulness.

My feelings at work have become much easier.

"Either way is fine" is very relieving.

Even so, the urge to "understand immediately" still triggers, and there are times when I feel I have to rush.

There are needs there as well.

connection
understanding others and empathy
contribution

Without deciding what is correct, I feel that it is fine to be just as I am right now.

Either way is fine
what is, is fine to be

Words often shared by Mikako Yusa, the author of "The Mental Model: Technology for Human Evolution from Separation of Pain to Integration," while participating in her NVC and mental model courses and parent-child community.

What is correct, good
What is bad, wrong, evil

By fixing that in place and imposing it on yourself, it becomes the same experience.

Instead, I think it is natural to embrace the middle path, the balance of yin and yang.

The thoughts and emotions within you arise from needs and pains that exist in your unconscious.

Your assumptions, beliefs, rules, ideas of right and wrong, and concepts of good and evil exist in your unconscious and cannot be noticed in daily life.

However, you can notice them through your thoughts and emotions.

Also, by feeling the emotions, energy, shocks, and scenes within your inner world empathically, without evaluation, denial, or coercion, you can access them.

Amidst many good things, there are experiences you can no longer have and unintended realities caused by imposing those things on yourself.

Start by feeling from a place of accepting that it is okay to just be as you are.

For deep pain or shock that is difficult to handle alone, have someone listen to you and feel it with you empathically.

I hope that by noticing what you impose on yourself or what you forbid, you can come to feel that either way is fine.