Being an adult is fun, even with a fragile heart

This article was written for Mikumayutan-san's project, "Talking about yourself is fun!"

I realized that talking about myself is surprisingly difficult after I started writing the article for this project.

At first, I tried to write about how "even at this age, people often tell me I'm at my own pace," and I tried to pull up memories from my childhood, but it wasn't fun to write at all.

After all, I've been at my own pace since I was a child, so I'm not good at group activities. Of course, I'm even worse at school. The more memories I pull up, the more memories of things not going well just keep coming out. Well, there's no way that would be fun to write about.

Because of that, from kindergarten when I became aware of things until high school, mornings were depressing, and even now, just remembering the theme song of "Zoom-in!! Asa" makes my chest tighten, but even someone like me is managing to be an adult quite happily.

When I first became an adult, my days were chaotic, even looking back on them now. Even friends I've been close with since my student days tell me, "Yukki, your life is full of ups and downs." It's scary or perhaps fortunate, looking back now, that I didn't feel that way much myself at the time.

Although I quit my first job right after graduating, I became a full-time employee at my old part-time job and was able to restart my career. However, I got married and had to quit the job I loved for my in-laws' family business, and that marriage soon came to an end, leaving me completely unemployed. (Though I wasn't getting paid for helping with the family business anyway.)

A year later, I left my hometown and started working with an owner much older than my parents in a place where I had no connections, and just when my life living alone was getting on track and becoming interesting, I lost my job again due to unavoidable circumstances, and I returned to my hometown when I was 27.

Because my environment changed so much, I felt a complex, thinking, "I've never been able to keep anything up... what will happen to my future?" But I thought, there's no point in worrying! Oh well, whatever happens, happens! I jumped into the marriage hunting market, met my current husband, and we ended up getting married within a year.

Even for me, who couldn't keep anything up, my married life has somehow continued so far.

I can't really talk, but he is also a person who goes at his own pace, just a different type from me. We are both AB blood type only children, so we are definitely attributes that are treated as "eccentric" wherever we go, but our pace is quite different.

However, fortunately, because we both go at our own pace, we can understand as if we were reading each other's minds that there are times when we want to be left alone, and we understand each other. Of course, that's not everything, but my husband's tolerance in that regard is something I'm grateful for. Thanks to that, I can hum or dance a little without hesitation. Having a place to belong might mean creating a place in your heart where it's okay to dance.

And one more thing. Being an adult is fun partly because of work.

I've changed jobs several times, and I've felt, "Maybe I can't keep a job because I'm not suited for society," or "Maybe I'm just lazy."

But when I think about it carefully, it's not that I hate working. Although I sometimes worry about human relationships or don't fit in with working on a fixed schedule every day, it's a pleasure when the way I decide to proceed with my work clicks perfectly. I'm happy when people rely on me, and I feel the joy of having people who reach out to me or need me. And I'm even happier when I respond to that and they say, "I'm glad I asked you!"

So, as a result, I decided to become a freelancer this spring to do everything I want to do.

When I say, "I'm a freelance writer" or "I like ceramics, so I started an online shop," people say, "It's nice to be able to make your hobby your job," or "You're turning your hobby into your work," but the answer is half yes and half no.

I learned after trying it that being able to control my schedule easily and not having to go to a fixed place at a fixed time every day is very happy. Since I'm at my own pace at heart, I think self-determination regarding time influences my sense of happiness.

However, that doesn't mean I'm playing every day, and of course, there are times when I work at night. There are times when I'm troubled because my manuscript isn't progressing as I'd like, times when I'm nervous about going to a site for the first time, times when I'm exhausted from endless, steady, simple tasks, and times when I've felt down because I couldn't draw out a story well. It's not rare to be driven by anxiety, thinking, "Can I do this?" before starting something new.

Just because I'm "doing what I love for work" doesn't mean I'm only doing what I love; rather, there are mountains of troublesome things like accounting, schedule management, and detailed adjustments.

However, things that I don't find painful and that I think I'm reasonably good at have happened to continue. It might be closer to the truth to say that my current way of working was at the end of that. Seeing the people around me whom I respect, I think it's important not to spare effort to continue doing fun things, or to protect the things you can't compromise on. Even people who seem to be shining and amazing must be struggling like swans under the surface, and I aspire to at least have the composure to make my upper body look as beautiful as a swan's.

Thanks to the good fortune of finding a pace and a job that felt comfortable for me, I have finally started to think that being an adult is fun. I never realized how enjoyable it could be to use trial and error, make my own decisions, and execute the things I've thought through!

It was right at the moment when I was feeling the deep happiness of being able to worry, act on how I want to be, and take on challenges without being restricted by anyone—having fully shifted my gears into 'go all out' mode and moving with agility—that a new little life came to me.

I had somehow convinced myself that I was just the type of person who wouldn't have children. There were more than a few times I worried about not being able to conceive.
Then, things came full circle, and just as I was hitting the accelerator on my work, thinking, 'If that's the case, I'll just live my life to the fullest right now!', my days suddenly shifted into 'prioritize life' mode, with no physical symptoms other than feeling unwell.

That said, I had already finished the paperwork to leave my staffing agency and had declared to those around me that I was going freelance. Thankfully, I even had clients who wanted to continue working with me. Despite that, to go on maternity leave less than half a year after becoming completely independent...!

Of course, I am happy, but the more I searched for 'freelance pregnancy' and 'freelance childbirth,' the more anxious I became. I knew it, but freelancers have so little social security. And what should I do about work while I'm resting? No matter how I handle it, I'm going to be a burden to someone.

When I was a company employee, I had been told things like, 'This is a company where women quit when they get married,' 'Don't get pregnant for three years,' and 'Think about the timing,' so I only had the feeling that pregnancy equals being a nuisance.
However, I had to explain the situation. When I gathered the courage to tell my work contacts, I was surprised and deeply grateful for how incredibly kind everyone was. (Thank you so much...!!!)

Thanks to that, I was able to steel myself, deciding to do as much as I can right now and then repay the favor with full power once I'm able to work at full capacity again.

In the meantime, the baby in my belly has grown, and as I feel them wiggling and kicking, the reality has grown as well; I've become strangely prone to tears, and something like maternal instinct has appeared.
Now that I've come this far, I'll just do everything I can regarding both work and childbirth.

Since my anxieties about maternity leave (the period of leave, that is), the reality of freelance childcare hunting, and various other things don't end no matter how much I research, perhaps there will be a time when I can write about my own experiences for someone else. Even if it's just an n=1 case study, just as I was once saved by someone else's writing or found a turning point through it, it might be useful to someone.

I don't deny that my nerves have become thicker compared to the past, but this change in mindset is something I've reached because I've become an adult, my 'silken tofu' mentality has transformed into something more like 'dried-frozen tofu,' and I've become able to say that being an adult is actually pretty fun.

With that said, there is one month left until maternity leave.
I don't know what these completely unknown, uncontrollable days will be like, and I don't feel like I'll have a heart of steel anytime soon. But I am waiting for these new days, believing that beyond this, I will evolve into an even more flavorful piece of dried-frozen tofu.