Chapter 7: Reclaiming Myself Every Time I Waver
My husband returned from his business trip.
He must be tired, but
I feel like something is off.
I suppose you could say he seems down.
Usually,
he would tell me all sorts of things,
sometimes even while tipsy.
Of course,
I know that as a human being, there are days when you just aren't feeling your best.
But I can't help but feel anxious and distressed,
wondering if something happened with money again.
Is it past trauma?
Is it hormonal balance?
Is it my HSP temperament, or just my personality?
I'm sure it's a little bit of everything.
After all,
I've experienced such painful things so many times.
There are days when I want to stop
doubting myself,
and there are days when I can accept it,
thinking, 'It's only natural that I'm this hurt.'
How should I deal
with this anxiety?
Even now, I sometimes don't know.
Writing down my feelings by hand,
or venting them here on note.
While I'm working,
my mind is distracted,
and sometimes I can think, 'Maybe I was overthinking it.'
But in the end,
even if I think about it alone,
I never find an answer.
So, in order to stop 'doubting,'
I want to prioritize listening to him first.
And after that,
I want to properly express my own feelings as well.
Recently,
I've been learning various things
to keep my heart in balance.
What I realized through that is,
I've been putting too much effort into 'being there for my husband.'
Even though there is nothing you can actually do about it,
you end up trying to carry your husband's emotions as well.
Even though you realize it,
you can't quite let go.
You have also learned about having a "self-axis."
You understand it in your head.
Even so,
there are days when you are shaken by a single word or action from your husband.
But lately,
regarding that version of yourself,
you have started to think just a little differently.
That having a "wavering self" and "losing yourself"
might not be the same thing.
Even if there are days when you feel anxious,
you can properly return to "normal."
While going back and forth many times,
little by little,
it would be nice to increase the moments where you feel
"I am okay as I am"
and "I am doing just fine."
Even though you are still in the middle of the journey.
So today, too,
without rushing,
I think I will live my life while reclaiming myself.