What I Found Among the Things I Lost Due to My Husband's Debt

Because of my husband's debt,
I felt like I had lost so many things.

Trust,
money,
and the future I could have otherwise chosen.

"If only that debt hadn't existed."

I thought about that over and over again.

Even so,
ever since the first debt was discovered,
there was something I had decided in my heart.

"I absolutely do not want to let this experience go to waste."

And someday,
"I want to live a life where I can say, 'We are who we are today because of this event.'"
I want to make it that kind of life.

I have walked forward while wishing for that.

Of course, reality
was not that simple.

The debt was repeated,
and each time, I was devastated
and suffered.

Even so,
each time, I continued to search for an answer.

What I could do instead of changing my husband

I was
trying to change my husband.

Maybe he would change if I stayed close to him.

Maybe he would change if I showed him what was right.

What I was always wishing for in my heart was,

"Please, let my feelings reach my husband."

That was it.

But,
no matter how much I wished,
my husband did not change the way I wanted him to.

After the fourth debt was discovered,
I finally changed my direction.

Supporting peace of mind not just by relying on emotions,
but by building a system.

Checking credit information.

Listing household assets,
and making the security we have visible.

Instead of just "trusting,"
I have started creating "verifiable peace of mind."

What debt taught me about money and the heart

Debt
changed my way of thinking about money significantly.

I used to think,
"I can't feel secure unless I save more."

But now,
I believe that money is not just for saving,

but that spending it to protect time with family
and the things that matteris just as important.as well.

And while studying psychology,
I learned that I am a person who is prone to anxiety
and tends to imagine negative futures.

I have come to realize that knowing myself
is not about dwelling on my flaws,
but about learning how to get along with myself.

What I was able to learn because it was painful

What debt taught me
was not just about money or my husband.

I
also learned about myself.

I used to
think of myself as a weak person.

I was prone to anxiety,
and would get discouraged easily.

I couldn't have confidence in that version of myself.

But,
in the midst of truly painful events,
I did not run away.

No matter how many times I felt like giving up, I stood back up,
and continued to face my husband.

Even in me, whom I thought was weak,
there was the strength to confront it.

And as a mother,
my desire to protect this family
never wavered.

A few days after his fourth debt was discovered,
my husband said something to me.

You are strong, aren't you?
How are you able to protect what is truly important?

I had always thought of myself as a weak person,
so I was surprised by those words.
I was surprised by those words.

I couldn't answer him well at the time.

But now,
I think I understand a little bit.

I know my own weaknesses.

That is precisely why
I have tried to stay away from places where I might be swallowed up by that weakness.

It is not that I can protect things because I am strong, but because I know my own weakness.

Perhaps that
was my own way of being strong.

There is one more thing
I have realized.

I have been hurt many times,
and betrayed many times.

Even so, now,
I want to continue walking with my husband from here on.

It is not out of dependency,
but because I have chosen this for myself.

It is not because I have forgiven the debt.

It is not because my trust has fully returned, either.

I loved my husband enough to still want to be with him.

For the first time, I was able to realize
my own feelings.

I did not let it be a wasted experience.

I do not think it was good that there was debt.

It is an event I never want to experience again.

If I could,
I would choose a life where nothing happened.

Even so,
this event taught me many things.

That you cannot change others.

That peace of mind cannot be built on emotions alone.

How to manage money.

And,
that I have the strength to face suffering.

I cannot condone debt.

But,
I do not want to think that this experience was in vain.

So today, too,
I continue to write,
turning the pain of that day into words that might make someone else's heart a little lighter.