Finally, I'm starting to understand myself.
I look back on my life.
As I was talking, I felt like the events that had been scattered until now connected into a single line.
When I was little, I was a 'gomame' (a tag-along or someone given a handicap in games).
Even when playing tag, because I was a gomame, the rules were a bit lenient for me.
Everyone was kind to me.
I was happy for that kindness, and it was a place where I felt safe.
I was a child who took time to do anything.
Even if I was taught ten things, I could only do one or two at a time.
The kids around me could do it, but I couldn't.
So I thought I had to work hard or I would be left behind.
I grew up thinking that way.
I spent my time watching my parents' faces, and it was natural for me to prioritize those around me over my own feelings.
Instead of thinking, 'What do I want to do?'
I was always thinking about things like,
'How can I avoid getting scolded?'
'How can I avoid being a burden?'
That was all I thought about.
So for me, 'doing my best' meant 'effort'.
Since I was in junior high school, I liked the word 'effort'.
If I put in the effort, I could catch up.
If I put in the effort, I would be recognized.
If I put in the effort, I would have value.
I believed that.
That's why it was painful to be told, 'You're so serious.'
Even though it was a compliment, it sounded to me like I was being told, 'Try harder.'
Even after I got sick, that way of thinking didn't change.
I would blame myself for not being able to do things, and try to work hard again.
Even though no one said anything, I was the one who was the strictest with myself.
That's why I cry when someone tells me, 'You worked hard.'
It's not just because I'm happy.
It's because those words loosen the heart that has been tense for so long.
And recently, during a time of deepening self-understanding, words came out that even surprised me.
'Oh, I see. I didn't know any other way to live but to work hard.'
At that moment, the feeling of blaming myself became a little lighter.
I wasn't weak.
I wasn't being lazy either.
At that time, I just didn't know any other way to live.
That's what I was able to think.
Furthermore, I realized one more thing.
It wasn't that I hated 'working hard'.
The belief that 'working hard = effort = painful' was what had been so difficult for me all along.
That's why, even when people told me to 'enjoy life,' I didn't know how to enjoy it.
Because for me, life was something to 'put effort into'.
But now, things are changing little by little.
Before, I was trying to change myself.
But now, I am trying to know myself.
Just by doing that, the scenery I see has changed a little.
And there are words from the art of Take-san, whom I love very much.
'A lifetime of youth'
'A lifetime of challenge'
'A lifetime of growth'
Before, it sounded like the words 'Try harder'.
But now it's different.
Let's enjoy life.
Let's challenge ourselves to do the things we want to try.
If I can grow a little more than I did yesterday, that's enough.
It sounds like such warm words.
At this age, I have finally realized this.
'If I had known sooner, could I have lived more easily?'
I thought about that too.
But now, I also think this.
Back then, I had no other way to live but to work hard.
So, there is no need to blame the me of that time.
Perhaps I was able to encounter these words precisely because it is this timing now.
The first half of my life was a desperate struggle to survive.
But from now on, it's different.
At the end of my life, I want to be able to smile and think, 'It was a wonderful life.'
So, I want to move while I can.
I want to meet the people I want to see.
I want to challenge myself to do the things I want to try.
I don't want to have any regrets.
So, the current me, who only knew how to live by working hard, is currently studying how to live happily.
From now on, I won't live just to work hard.
I will keep learning to enjoy life.
A lifetime of youth.
A lifetime of challenge.
A lifetime of growth.
With these words in my heart, I will walk my own second life.