The story of a person who once wanted to be a 'god-tier artist' and met another version of themselves after starting to write on note.

"I love drawing!!"

When introducing myself or being asked about what I like,
the "former" me would answer that
with full confidence.

I have been shy since I was a child and was never good at speaking in front of others.
If there was one way to express myself,
"it was drawing.".

That didn't change in the online world either,
and when I was a student, I mainly focused my creative activities
on the illustration posting site 'pixiv'.

I would draw and post fan art of the works I was into at the time,
and whenever I received ratings or comments on my work, I was so happy
that I would grin in front of my PC.

There are people who are happy to see the pictures I draw.

While I felt that sense of fulfillment,
whenever I caught sight of the 'popular illustration ranking' on the site,

"Are they gods...?"

I would let out a sigh
mixed with admiration and envy.

Illustrations that radiated an overwhelming aura
that couldn't be described just by saying they were 'good'.

What must be going on inside the heads
of the artists who can draw such wonderful pictures?

When they are drawing,
what kind of world
are they seeing?

"I want to draw more captivating pictures, too.
I want to get better at drawing...!!"

My hidden desire grew stronger.
Sometimes facing the pure white canvas of a digital tool,
sometimes facing a page in one of the many sketchbooks I had bought,
I would silently continue to copy.

To grasp the secret of a charm
that cannot be expressed in words

To get even one millimeter closerto the 'god-tier artist'I admired.

Several years passed since then.
By the time I had gained experience as a working professional.

Before I knew it,

I had drifted away from drawing.

It wasn't that I had come to hate drawing.
It was just that, somehow,

the energy to 'draw'
had stopped welling up inside me.

I thought that if I had 'truly' loved drawing,

even after becoming a working professional,
even after my passion for my favorite works had cooled,
and even if no one was watching,

I would have enjoyed the act of 'drawing' itself,
and it would have naturally taken root in my life.

And so, one day, while I was away from creative activities,

I realized something I didn't want to realize.

Maybe I didn't
genuinely love drawing after all.

...I was

I admired people who were good at drawing
and was just a person who "wanted to be good at drawing.""

When I realized that fact,
I was shocked.

For me, drawing pictures to post online
had become "drawing with all my heart" a special act.

The impossibly high hurdle I had set for myself
eventually became a psychological wall,
and it was merely something that
drained my creative energy.

I had lost
my means of self-expression.

For a while after that,
I lived a life centered on input.

Increasing my knowledge through videos and books
was enjoyable in its own way, but
somewhere in my heart,

I felt envy
toward people who were engaged in "creative and expressive activities."

Then, one day.

"How about trying to share
my thoughts on note?"

That is what I thought of.

My own interpretation of the knowledge I've absorbed
Sudden realizations in daily life
The importance of thinking

If it's things like that,
I thought, maybe even I could write about them.

However, based on my self-perception until now,
I thought I wasn't really suited for writing.

Well, there's no harm in trying.
I signed up with a light heart,
wrote a short article, and posted it.
Then, I felt a sense of comfort,
as if my mind had cleared up.

On that very first note post,
I received a 'like'.

I was surprised, and at the same time,
I was so happy that I found myself grinning
in front of my smartphone.

It had been a long time since I felt this way.

Before I knew it, from that day on, for a month,
I had been posting to note almost every day.

While I was surprised all over again,
I suddenly thought of something.

Wait, could it be that I...

Actually like... writing?

'I like writing'

That was an idea that had never occurred to me in my life until then.
However, looking back on my daily life, there were faint
signs that pointed to it.

When I was worried about something or deep in thought,
I would regularly scribble down my emotions and thoughts until a blank notebook was completely filled with text to feel relieved.

I even felt a certain kind of pleasure
in going beyond the lines of the notebook
and filling even the slightest blank space with words.

I opened the notepad on my smartphone, thinking, 'Come to think of it.'
There,
'mysterious monologues for organizing my thoughts' and
'minutes from meetings with myself in my head'
were lined up
long enough to scroll for a while.

I had felt the difficulty of consistency keenly through 'drawing pictures.'
Even if it was just for a month.

'People who draw every day are amazing,
I can't do that.'

But for some reason, I was able to write
almost every day.
Without any burden, and actually, quite enjoyably.

'I am good at writing'

I had never thought or considered such a thing.
Even writing essays for homework,
I felt it was such a 'hassle'.

But here too, there was one thing
that came back to me.

When I was in junior high school.
I wrote an essay about taxes and
won some kind of award.

I even received a certificate, but
at the time, I dismissed it as a 'coincidence' and
I had long forgotten that memory itself.

More than that,

the memory that I was happier about having more opportunities to talk to the social studies teacher I admired at the time because of the award
was far more vivid.

For me, the act of writing
was neither something I liked nor something I was good at.

It was just 'daily life'.

But, if you took 100 people chosen at random,
how many would there be who would choose to write
for a month without being forced by anyone?

If we limit it to a place like note, it might not be that rare.
But in the real world?

Wouldn't it fall into a category that is quite rare...?

Even though they had been right beside me all along,

'another version of myself who enjoys self-expression through writing'

I finally realized their existence.

From the day of that realization,
Shemy other selfhas become a reliable partner
who expands the possibilities of my life.

Now, by writing,
the impossibly high hurdles I once built against creation
are being chipped away little by little.

Perhaps thanks to that,
recently I have also become able to draw
a little bit at a time.

I feel that 'drawing pictures' and 'writing text'
have many things in common.

What is a 'charming picture'?
What is a 'charming piece of writing'?

I want to get closer to that 'essence'.

The reason I write
might be the same reason as the 'me who once wanted to be a god-tier artist'.

Finally,
if you, who have read this article,

'I don't have anything I'm good at.'
'I don't have anything I particularly like.'

happen to be thinking that.

Are there things you do as a matter of course,
things that are so natural you don't even think about them?

The things you can do unconsciously are so 'normal' to you
that it is hard to realize the fact that they are your 'strengths'.

"How about trying to share
your thoughts on 'note'?"

A trivial idea that floats up out of nowhere
can sometimes completely change your daily life.

Even if you still cannot see yourself clearly,
for example, in your daily life,

things you became interested in,
things that suddenly came to mind,
things that came to you by intuition,

if you have had such things, I want you to take a step forward,
even if you are hesitant.

Because in that shadow, another

'you' who could become your partner might be
hiding.

-End-

🌷note contest hosted by Hana Fujiwara🌷

Theme: 'Why I Write'

I will be participating in this.

This entry is based on an article I wrote in the past.
At first, I intended it to be a remake, but after significant additions and revisions, it has become something else entirely.

Drawing energy from Hana Fujiwara's article and borrowing the power of the contest, I was able to seriously face my own writing.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to grow.

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