I want to be assertive! It's hard to understand my true feelings!

Both the terms "assertion" and "assertive" are used.
It has been over 30 years since I first learned the word "assertive." Since then, I have been learning about assertiveness for a long time, taking courses and participating in voluntary study groups.
For the past three years, I have been participating in an online study group called "The Group That Wants to Be More Assertive." It is a somewhat demanding group where participants plan and learn on their own, but the learning has been deepening.
However, I still find it difficult to be assertive. For me, this will continue to be a long "journey of exploration".

◆ A slightly long introduction

I thought I would try writing about assertion, so I searched for articles about it on note and found one titled "Don't give up anymore! Don't hold back! An Illustrated Introduction to Assertion."

It is an article that clearly explains many important things about assertion. What I particularly liked about this article is the point that "being cheeky is not the same as assertion," and that the key point is 'self-trust'.

This might be the content written in Noriko Hiraki's "Understanding Assertion Gently Through Manga," which is referenced in this article.

And it also stated, "It is difficult to notice your own true feelings hidden deep inside.."
In this article, I would like to write about an experience where I "noticed my true feelings."

◆ Narrative Therapy Demo Session

I started actively learning "Narrative Therapy" around the time the COVID-19 pandemic began. In "Narrative Therapy" study groups, demo sessions are often held.

Frustration at the workplace

As a client in a demo session, I talked about my feelings of "frustration" regarding the fact that the "circular notice" (kairanban) at my workplace was not being passed around.
Many of you might think, "A 'circular notice' at the workplace in this day and age?" Although we have communication via email, the government (I work for a government agency) has a lot of reading material, and just like in neighborhoods, we still have "circular notices."

After a very helpful senior male staff member retired, there was no one left to care about the "circular notice," and it ended up not being passed around. Since I have been working at my current workplace for a long time, I was bothered by the fact that the "circular notice" was not moving, and I felt "frustrated."

Even when I told my colleagues, "Please pass it to the next person after you read it," it felt like "talking to a wall" or "casting pearls before swine," and the human relationships in the workplace became a bit awkward and tense.

It took a lot of courage to talk about this in the demo session.
Don't you think, "What a small-minded person I am" for feeling "frustrated" that the circular notice isn't being passed around?
Some people might think, "Whoever notices it should just pass it on." Or perhaps some think, "If they get into trouble, everyone will start passing it around." People have various feelings about the same facts.
In that context, I had a strong feeling that the circular notice should be passed around properly, and I was frustrated.

What is the true nature of the "frustration"?

What I realized in this session was that what was "behind" the "frustration" was something I "wanted to cherish." I thought, "If the circular notice isn't passed around properly, everyone will be in trouble.".

When saying, "Please pass the circular notice around."
I think there is a difference in what is conveyed between saying, "I think everyone will be in trouble if the circular notice isn't passed around, so please pass it on," by adding your own feelings, and forcing them to pass it quickly by saying, "You're supposed to pass the circular notice around properly, aren't you?"

Observing your own feelings

In Polyvagal Theory, these kinds of personal emotions are viewed as autonomic nervous system responses that are protecting you.Furthermore, autonomic nervous system responses change depending on a person's inherent nature and the experiences they had while growing up.

In Polyvagal Theory, observing these autonomic nervous system responses is considered important.
First, the process involves 'noticing' your own feelings of irritation (autonomic nervous system response). Then, without judging those feelings of irritation (autonomic nervous system response) as 'good' or 'bad,' you 'accept' them by thinking, 'I see, I am feeling irritated,' and then listen to the emotions that are autonomic nervous system responses (the 'voice of the body') by asking, 'What is bothering me?' or 'What am I seeking?'

Since learning about Polyvagal Theory, I have come to think that in order to be assertive, it is important to expand what is referred to in Polyvagal Theory as the 'OK Zone,' or the 'Window of Tolerance.'

◆ The importance of respecting both yourself and others

Also, when expressing yourself assertively, I believe the important thing is to respect both 'yourself' and the 'other person,' and after reading the article 'Don't Give Up Anymore! Don't Hold Back! An Illustrated Introduction to Assertion,' I am once again thinking about that importance.

When I thought about clearly conveying my feelings to the other person, am I trying to convey them while valuing both 'myself' and the 'other person'? Am I focusing too much just on conveying my own feelings? As I write this article, I am thinking about the importance of stopping once more, observing my 'feelings here and now,' and savoring them thoroughly before conveying them.

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