[Giving Birth to a Life I Cannot Raise] 12: My Child Was a Shooting Star ~A Record of Stillbirth~

At this time, I was mainly doing tarot readings.

Listening to people's worries, opening cards, and delivering words day after day.

Helping to settle the hearts of those who were lost was my job.

Before the major event that was about to happen in my own life,

I remembered my mentor who taught me tarot, and I decided to ask for a reading on short notice.

I didn't want to be the one reading; I wanted to be read for.

I wanted someone to see me. I wanted someone to accept me.

That was how I felt.

My mentor kindly accepted.

And it just so happened that they were free.

Thinking back on it now, I was saved by that "just so happened."

"Long time no see!"

My voice sounded strong for the first time in a while.

I felt like my voice, which had been low for so long, had returned to normal just a little bit.

"Yes, really. What brings you here today?"

That gentle voice hadn't changed from the old days.

I met this teacher in my hometown.

When I said I was suddenly moving to XX,

"So you won't be able to do tarot anymore?"

I was disappointed, and then...

A year later, I ended up moving to that same place, having gotten married and following my husband on his job transfer.

Was it a coincidence?

I remember that rainy day I recalled, looking it up and going there without an appointment.

The wet road. The name that suddenly came to mind. The feeling that I had to go right then.

And so, I became an apprentice to the surprised master, learned tarot, and have been doing it ever since.

At every turning point in my life, there was always a mysterious flow.

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I told them about my current situation.

My master also has two children.

They understood the content immediately.

Even without explaining, there was an atmosphere that understood the weight of being a mother.

"I wonder why this child came to me. Even though I couldn't give birth to them."

"I can't see it for myself."

My true feelings spilled out, one after another.

However, I tried my hardest not to cry.

I knew that if I broke down here, I wouldn't be able to stop.

"I think this child might have been like a shooting star."

".........Ah.........a shooting star........."

Those words slipped straight into my heart.

"Yes, a child who just happened to come to you, [Name]. Not that they had wanted to come for a long time, but truly just passing by."

Usually, if someone said something like that to me,

No, no! That can't be right! There are bonds and connections!

I would want to say that, but...

"Ah, I understand. Just passing through... just stopping by for a bit... there was a moment when I felt like our eyes met."

"Yeah, yeah."

I often receive messages from the sky.

I think I am watching the flow of the air and nature.

If I recall, about two months before the day I found out I was pregnant,

"Huh?"

There was a day I thought that.

Suddenly, I felt restless.

An unexplainable feeling of unease. A sensation that something was approaching.

From that day on, when I took pictures of the sky, I often captured clouds shaped like children or babies.

I wondered what it was,

but I thought that maybe we had connected from that moment on.

"...So you let them in, didn't you?"

"Yeah, so, it's not heavy, you know."

(It's... not heavy...)

I had hoped it would be that way, but.

For me, it was heavy. The life, the decision, and the responsibility.

"I wonder if it would be best for me to take responsibility, think it through, and make the decision myself."

"Yes. That is what is coming through as the best path. There is light there. It will be okay."

(...Will it really be okay...)

My mentor was not recommending an abortion.
However, after hearing about the baby's hopeless condition, she really stood by my feelings.

Perhaps that was the time I needed.

It wasn't that I wanted to be told the future was bright,
but I wanted to know that there was light even beyond this choice.

I don't believe that readings are meant to give you the answer.

Strangely, they help you sort out your feelings.

The one who decides is yourself.

All this time—

What I had been doing for others as a reading,
I was now receiving myself.

"I understand. I will take care of this until the very end. I'm sorry, I've gone a bit over time."

"It's fine! Just come back and see me when you're feeling better!"

(...Feeling better...)

Strangely, only the words I have faced myself kept coming up.

Be well.
It will be okay.
There is light.

These were the words I had always told others.

The situation had not changed yet.

However, the child currently in my womb did not seem to be angry.

They were not blaming me.
They were not holding a grudge.

I felt that way.

Surely, knowing this would happen, they came to take a detour.

I couldn't see it myself.
I didn't want to feel it.

I have things I've carried over from a past life.

This child will surely take them with them, too.

If so, I wanted to rub my belly, even if just a little, even if just for now.

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[The Day of Hospitalization]

The morning air was quiet.

Even though it should have been the same morning as always, it felt as if only inside the house, time was moving a little differently.

I had my husband take the day off.

To look after our young children.

It was a day to entrust everything to him.

"I want to take a picture."

Because I said that, we ended up taking a photo together.

It was sudden.
I didn't even know why I said that just then.

"Why a picture?"

"Yeah."

I couldn't say anything.

The children lined up, looking puzzled.
My husband didn't ask any deep questions either.

Perhaps I just wanted to give it some kind of form, even if only a little.

The form of a family.

To prove that for this moment, there were indeed five of us.
That we were a family, including the child who could not yet be seen.

I am about to make the decision,
not to give a place to live to a single life.

I don't know what is right.
Even if I decided to let the child stay in my womb until the very last moment an abortion was possible—

Is it kindness to say they can live only for that duration,
or does it feel like I am controlling a life?

To protect the lives of my other children?

So that this child wouldn't have to suffer after being born?

Isn't it all just for my own convenience?

No matter how many times I thought about it,
there was no single answer.

It is because I cannot take responsibility.

That is why I am telling this child to return.

If it were next week, they would be on the family register.

At a stage where it is not legally a crime, I am making my own child disappear.

There is nothing pretty about this.

Nothing at all.

Words of comfort or positive interpretations could not reach me at that time.

While I work in a field that observes life and the flow of things,I am doing something so significant that I can no longer be allowed to do that.

I felt as though everything I had built up until now,was crumbling away.

[[phN_open]]
I am ending this.[[phN_close]]

Thinking realistically, how long can I hold onto such logical arguments?
Will I be mentally okay tomorrow?

Will I be able to return to my normal self after it's all over?

In the end, it's for my own convenience. I have no excuses.

With this, I will surely carry this over to my next life as well.

The memory of having let my own child die.

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“...Sigh, this is painful... but I'll do my best...”

I mutter to myself in the car on the way to the hospital.

The scenery outside the window flows by as usual. Traffic lights. Shops. The school route. The morning town.

Even though the world hasn't changed at all, I alone was heading to a different place.

From here on, I am all alone.

“...I'm off.”

“Take care.”

Thud.

The sound of the door closing echoed loudly.

The car pulls away.

I can see my child waving from inside.

A small hand. A smiling face.

(...I wish I didn't have to go...)

Thinking realistically, how long can I hold onto such logical arguments?

It was a surprisingly honest feeling, even to myself.

I wanted someone to stop me.
I wanted someone to tell me to stop today.
I wanted someone to hold me and take me home.

To tell me I had worried enough.

To tell me they would take my place.

No one would say such things.

They couldn't possibly say it.
They couldn't possibly take my place.

I know that.
Even though I know it, that is what I thought.

I wanted someone to decide for me.
I wanted someone to push me forward.
I wanted someone to tell me it was enough.

I hate myself more than anyone else does.

In the end, out of self-preservation,

I am going against the flow of life.

I cannot face God.

I felt apologetic even to something unseen.

Waving my hand, feeling my resolve waver,

I entered the large hospital.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Hospital admission preparations starting with a blood draw.

Checking in, receiving explanations, being called by name, sitting in a chair.

Everything was the usual hospital routine, but
today, each step felt heavy.

To the person drawing my blood who saw my large belly,

I said something like, "I'm going to deliver it now."

"Oh! Really? You're giving birth!"

Their face lit up so brightly when they said that.

I wanted them to notice how I was feeling, even just a little.

This wasn't just a normal blood draw.
This wasn't just a normal hospital admission.

I wanted this person to understand, even just a little.
I had that naive hope.

I don't remember exactly how they replied,

but when I tried to leave the blood collection room, I noticed blood flowing from my arm.

It was dripping, enough to fall onto the floor,

and the cotton they had taped on turned bright red.

Red droplets fell to the floor.
Even though it was my own blood, it looked strangely like it belonged to someone else.

I hurried back,

and when I said, "The bleeding won't stop," the staff member who saw it panicked.

"I'm so sorry, please press down on it right away!"

They scrambled to get new gauze.

This had never happened to me before.

Often, there are explanations given during childbirth.

About rare cases where the mother passes away due to uncontrollable bleeding or unexpected complications.

Maybe we take childbirth too lightly.

But in reality, it is a life-risking event.

Stories about babies being born are all that ever come to light.
But behind that, a mother's body is taking on a great risk.

And now, I am about to force things to happen.

I am using human hands to put an end to a process that should have begun naturally.

With blood dripping uncontrollably,
I could imagine any number of worst-case scenarios.

What if I bleed out like this?
What if something goes wrong with the anesthesia?
What if I never see my children again?

(...Oh... maybe I won't be able to go home anymore...)

(If I waved goodbye at the end, what if that was it...?)

Only my mind was running wild ahead of me.

Even though I, too, was about to wave goodbye.

Even so, time moved forward,
and the hospital admission procedures continued matter-of-factly.

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At that time, I thought I had
no one on my side.

I even wondered if the child in my womb
had come to me
only to make me suffer.

There are things you can carry alone,
and things you cannot.

I don't want to blame anyone.

If there is blame to be had,
I will bear it all myself.

Just that feeling of self-reproach.

There is no way I could breathe properly, is there?

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Why not try to find meaning in every part of your life yourself?
One such way is the map of when you were born.
It is a horoscope.
Your life also has possibilities and themes.
If you would like to try deciphering them with me, please proceed from here.
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────

I have now,
at this very moment,
begun to write
the story of my own pregnancy and stillbirth experience.

There were times when I got stuck along the way,
and many times when things didn't progress as I had hoped.

Even so, I have always wanted
to write about this child.

A life that came to me.
As an appraiser, I have touched many lives,
and I want to leave behind what I have felt
and my raw emotions.

Within me, that has always been
there, always.

Now, finally, I have begun to write.

I hope that this story
can gently draw close to those
who are thinking about life.

Even if you haven't experienced pregnancy or stillbirth,
I hope it can touch your life as well.

I haven't... organized it all yet, but
at this moment, when I thought I would at least put out an introduction,
I am beginning to write it down.

If you would like, I would be happy if you read it.
For those who wish for an appraisal or consultation,
I accept them via the official LINE below.
Even just sending me a message saying, "I read your story,"
would make me happy.

Also, I will put into words what has happened in your life.
Why not look back and decipher your life together with me through astrology?

Please reach out via the official LINE account below

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