Inexpressible [#BLonNote]

Actually, this is a project I've been secretly thinking, "I want to participate...!" about. Finally, I am joining. Everyone, I look forward to working with you.
If there are any mistakes or issues, please let me know. I'm nervous.

Main Story

Suddenly, when I looked back, there was summer. It wasn't that there were old memories or a field of sunflowers. Literally, there was "summer." There was the kanji character for "summer," with a horizontal line for the first stroke and a short flick for the second. That might seem very strange to the world, but to me, it was a very common occurrence.

To me, scenery looks like words. Everything in the world is verbalized through my eyeballs and processed in my brain as text. A landscape filled with difficult kanji, not-so-difficult kanji, and occasionally hiragana and katakana was, to me, a common sight.
In other words, the very scenery that should have been reflected in my eyes reached me as "summer." Hard to understand? Explanations are always difficult, you know.

Beyond the summer, I can see "Yoshinoya" and "intersection." This condition has too much information, so I developed a habit of unconsciously shutting many things out. If I didn't, the summer scenery would be filled with "mosquitoes" and "horseflies." When I sighed, the word "carbon dioxide" flickered before my eyes for an instant.

"Haruto-san!"
A voice called me from across the intersection, and the characters for "Kaoru" danced into the right edge of my field of vision. From him, who seemed to have run here out of breath, the characters for "carbon dioxide" were being exhaled repeatedly in small text.
"Kaoru. You're early today."
When I said that to Kaoru, who was trying to catch his breath, he said, "Yes." That low, gentle voice soaked straight into my heart.

Kaoru is an editor. And I am a lowly novelist who finally managed to get a series serialized after bringing my novels to the publishing house where he works many times.
"Usually, Haruto-san is the one who is too early. So, did you write it?"
"Today is private, isn't it? Weren't you going to take me somewhere?"
The characters for Kaoru waver ever so slightly. Did he laugh, shaking his shoulders? I can only perceive the world through text, so I don't know what Kaoru looks like. What kind of face he has, how tall he is, what his hairstyle is like—I don't know any of that. And yet, before I knew it, I was beginning to open my heart to him.

"Haruto-san, where would you like to go?"
The grass radical of Kaoru's name tilted slightly to the right. I tried to picture Kaoru tilting his head, but I couldn't even do that, so I stopped. It was the first time I had ever wanted to picture a person's appearance.
"Anywhere is fine. Everything just looks like text to me anyway."
When I said that, the grass radical sank a little. Is he hanging his head? What kind of expression is he making? What color are the two eyes that must be staring at me?

"...But I think there are things that cannot be verbalized."
Kaoru said that, then turned the characters around and started walking. As I followed him, Kaoru began to speak slowly, as if explaining to a child.
"For example, the sparkle of sunlight reflecting on the sea. The moment cherry blossoms dance, scattered by the wind. The sunlight filtering through the gaps in the maple leaves turning red. I think those things transcend language, even if just for a moment."
"...I wonder."
When I muttered that, Kaoru suddenly stopped. The characters twisted tightly, and I knew he had turned around.
"Haruto-san, have you only ever seen your own appearance as text, too?"
When I replied, "That's right," a moment of silence fell. Then a large truck passed by us with a roar, and a crow cawed twice high in the sky.
"...Haruto-san."
Kaoru turned toward me and began to speak slowly.
"Haruto-san, you have long hair with a bit of a wave. Your eyes are clearly double-lidded, and the color of your pupils is the color of the night. You are a little taller than me, and you have long-fingered hands. Also..."
"Kaoru."
"Haruto-san. Am I just a single character reflected in your eyes? Can I not be anything more than that?"
The characters for Kaoru are trembling slightly. Precisely because I could only see the world through text, I felt I understood the color of the voice he emitted and the meaning contained within it. And I already knew that the emotion born in my chest upon hearing those words could be expressed in just a single character.

Beyond the characters for Kaoru, I can see the characters for the sun on its way to rising high. The characters for summer, and every single piece of the scenery, are being shut out, and only Kaoru is floating in my field of vision. That grass radical is hanging its head dejectedly. I heard the sound of him sniffing between the hustle and bustle of summer, and I knew Kaoru was crying.

"I am happy about your feelings."
The grass radical that had been hanging its head jumps up as if bouncing.
"But."
"...Yes."
"To me, you are also nothing but text. My father, my mother, and my few friends were all nothing but text to me. The world to me is text. There is no love or affection there."
"...But."
"Please understand."
The grass radical hung its head dejectedly again. Shaking it left and right a few times, Kaoru said in a voice he tried to make bright,
"...Shall we go to the sea now?"
I nodded, "Okay." And so, we headed to the sea.

From the passenger seat of the car Kaoru was driving, I had been watching the scenery the whole time. Old blues music was playing in the car, and I smiled bitterly to myself, thinking that Kaoru was a bit bad at creating "that kind" of atmosphere.

Black-tailed gulls, seagulls, beach daylilies, seaside daisies, sandy beaches. In this world composed entirely of text, I had no choice but to become a novelist. It's too late for me to have something that transcends text in my life. Even if he, who is driving the car while humming beside me, desires me strongly, I cannot love anyone.
While opening the window and listening to the seagulls cry, I continued to somehow verbalize the emotions that had been born in my chest.

"We've arrived."
Kaoru, who got out of the car, walks away, leaving me behind. As I slowly followed him, I looked at the sea of text spreading out beyond him.
Kaoru stopped on the sandy beach and looked back at me.
"...How is it? Isn't it beyond text, beyond what can be verbalized?"
"...Unfortunately."
When I shook my head, Kaoru just said, "I see..." and fell silent. I sat down next to Kaoru, who seemed to have sat down on the sandy beach, and looked at the sea.

Surely, this scenery seen by someone other than me must be truly beautiful. The sunlight reflecting and sparkling on the sea, the flowers blooming sturdily on the sandy beach—those are the things that must move people's hearts.
Why, why was I born this way? Flowers, scenery, even the people who adored me—I can only process them as text. Where is the meaning in being fated this way?

"Haruto-san."
Suddenly called by my name, I came back to my senses. Kaoru seemed to have called my name while looking straight at the sea.
"I will look again. For scenery so beautiful that Haruto-san's fate or destiny cannot be verbalized. For a beautiful place. ...Even if I cannot become such an existence."
"...You're devoted. Or rather, fanatical."
"Of course I am. Because I am in love with Haruto-san and your talent."
"My talent?"
"Yes. Even if the scenery you see is different from ours, the scenes Haruto-san writes are beautiful beyond measure. You are also skilled at depicting the subtle nuances of the human heart; you are someone I admire."
"...That makes me blush."
When I smiled, Kaoru said, "It's the truth," and turned toward me. I think I will never forget that moment.

Straight black hair reaching just below his eyebrows. The eyes visible from there looked more like the color of a sunrise than the night, and he looked much more mature than his age, which I should only know through numbers. The strong summer sunlight was illuminating his white right cheek. That face, smiling gently, was the first face of a living human being I had ever seen.

When I blinked twice, I was instantly pulled back into a world of only text. To me, who was dumbfounded, the grass radical tilted slightly.
"What's wrong?"
"...It's nothing. I'm fine."
Did Kaoru return a smile to me, who must have smiled awkwardly? Beyond that single character, I can no longer see that smile.
"Kaoru."
"Yes."
"Next time, show me a flower so beautiful that even you have never seen it."
"...Yes!"
The characters for Kaoru are swaying as if singing. When will I be able to see that smile again? And if I see such scenery, such a world, will I be able to put it into words?
Even fate cannot verbalize this hope.

End (3,310 characters)