Reconciling with My Past Self

Ever since I was a child, I kept asking myself, "Why" can't I speak, "why" can't I talk, and "why" am I the only one who can't do it?
Those questions gradually turned into verbal abuse toward myself.
I remember feeling a sense of relief when I learned the name "selective mutism," realizing there was an answer to the "why" I had been asking.

The "inability" of mutism, which I couldn't put into words myself, had been articulated, and I cried and cried knowing that someone understood this state of mine.
I had already pushed away my "unable" self, telling myself that this was just my personality and that it would be this way forever, so at first, I was more surprised than anything.

I thought about my past self.
Before the symptoms appeared, I was just a mischievous child who was always being scolded by adults, and in home videos, I was always smiling back then.
I had always asked myself who my true self was, and I felt a strange sense of conviction realizing that this was not my normal state.

When the symptoms were present, I felt that if I couldn't express myself, it was meaningless, so I spent my days trying to get by without feeling or thinking anything, and I tried to forget unpleasant things immediately, so I don't remember the details.
Therefore, there was a blank period between my current self and the self before the symptoms appeared, and I had always felt a sense of emptiness.

Where did the me from back then go?

Little by little, I looked back at the past and faced the emotions I had been avoiding all along.
Embarrassment, sadness, pain, loneliness.
When I accepted and felt those things, I realized there was no blank period, and I could feel a connection to the past.
It was helpless, but this is the life I have lived until now.

And then, I realized.
That the child version of me had existed within me all along.
I also realized that I had been verbally abusing that child myself.
I was just like the people around me who couldn't understand my state of "not being able to speak."
Now, I can understand the feelings of those around me who don't understand, thinking, "I get it,"
but I still wonder why I pushed myself away.

I felt I had to keep apologizing to myself.
To the me who was pushed away and kept receiving verbal abuse.
I remembered the emotions that I felt, one by one, and I cried and accepted them.

I felt like I could understand what it meant to be my own best ally,
and I was happy because I felt like I had connected with my true self through the emotions that arose.

Now, I feel like I want to respond to the emotions that arise.
If I don't like something, I say I don't like it; if I want to try something, I honestly give it a go.
It feels like the adult me is taking care of the young me.

Something I recently responded to was getting a dog.
Improving the flooring so it wouldn't be slippery, safety measures, necessities, confirming the flow after starting to live with a dog, communicating with the breeder,
the anxiety that it would cost more than planned as one thing after another was needed,
and the preparation period was a busy time for my heart, wondering if someone like me should start a life with a dog, but it was very fun.
It was the first time in my life I had spent such an exciting time.
Each step of the preparation was a time to face the joy I felt.

I came to believe that emotions, which are so close to me but which I didn't want to feel, are important.
Cherishing the feelings of excitement and joy,
I believe that is how I reconcile with the self I had pushed away.

I had ChatGPT and SUNO AI create a song with these words.
It is a habit to ensure I don't forget what I was able to put into words.