On contributing to 'This is where my difficulty in living lies'
I happened to come across this project by Mashako Haruno.
As a person with a developmental disability, specifically Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD/HD), I felt I couldn't help but speak up, so I took up my pen.
My difficulty in living is this:
The pressure itself from 'families and society that only permit a realistic victory—where one receives developmental support, goes out into the world, gets a stable job, secures a foundation for independent living without causing trouble for family or society, lives alone, and avoids using public assistance—and refuses to acknowledge any other way of living or existence.'
That is the pressure itself.
I have gone through various subculture hobbies, but currently, I have narrowed them down significantly, positioning them as supportive therapy for my mental health.
I am receiving a disability pension, and I am making arrangements to ask my doctor for a written opinion on a long-term medical plan, based on the direction of setting a clear time limit as a hypothesis, working within a meticulously calculated budget until at least that point, and then basically reducing the budget afterward to focus on maintaining supportive therapy.
This is because these hobbies, included in my supportive therapy, are indispensable for my current mental stability and for preventing the worsening of my condition due to public-funded hospitalization or suicidal ideation.
When applying for public assistance, the administration checks strictly, so this is a plan with an eye toward receiving public assistance in a planned manner, using the shield of medical authority to prove that my spending was not just mere hobby-related waste, but a necessary planned budget allocation to prevent hospitalization using tax money and suicidal ideation, which was proven from this period onward.
However, I am not the type of person who is interested in living a long life for no reason, and I have a wish to meet a dignified end before I lose myself due to the worsening of dementia or similar conditions, rather than just being kept alive meaninglessly.
I am afraid of dying. Of course.
But I also have the thought that compared to the pain of losing myself and still being kept alive while connected to machines in a hospital...
Honestly, my current mental state is largely maintained by the fact that my current supportive therapy is functioning. After all, my fundamental wound is the deep hurt of having been abandoned, forsaken, and betrayed by over 30 women in niche, non-mainstream fields of games and creative works. Trying to treat this solely within the context of modern medicine is quite unrealistic and difficult.
If a counselor dismisses those hobbies as just play or pastimes, the rapport will collapse at that point.
And given the circumstance that a counselor well-versed in those hobbies probably does not exist in this country, I am in a situation where I am refusing counseling.
As long as my family and society maintain this attitude, I will survive to the safest zone I can imagine and meet a dignified death. That is the goal of life I am aiming for.
Well, it is unfortunate that I was not blessed with a life partner, though.
One of the supportive therapies I engage in is commissioning novels, but this is a kind of ritual to obtain proof that I am an existence that has been absolutely loved and affirmed within the story. It is an indispensable pillar of support for my heart as I am now.
I want to meet a dignified death while I am still myself. Things don't go that conveniently for humans, though. The pressure from my family, which flatly denies that and tries to bind me to general social roles, and the very atmosphere of current society can be said to be the difficulty of living itself for me.
Thank you for reading this far.
If you have any comments, it would be encouraging.
If you would like to support me, I would be grateful if you could at least 'like' this.