John and Our Three Days

It was an unremarkable day.
After finishing work, I was staring at my own face reflected in the train window while being swayed by the ride home. It's a face I'm used to, even if it has become rapidly rounder lately.
I suddenly thought.
“It would be interesting if I could turn into something other than myself for just a short period.”
But that is, needless to say, impossible.
Besides, I am satisfied with the status quo. I'm not a handsome guy or rich, but I'm reasonably content. Yet, to think such a ridiculous thing even for a moment. Desire knows no bounds.
With a self-deprecating laugh under my mask, the moment I peeked at Twitter on the smartphone in my hand for no particular reason.
Like a divine revelation, an idea popped into my head.

There is one! A way for me to turn into someone other than myself!

Once I've thought of it, I can't just sit here.
I immediately underwent a magnificent transformation.
Moon Middle-aged Man Power! Make-up!!

Hi there. It's me, reborn.
What do you think? I'm handsome, right? Even if I lived normally like this, no matter how I stood on my head, I could never become a handsome guy, nor could I become a foreigner. I have made those two impossibilities possible at once. If I wanted more perfection, I probably should have changed the wording of my profile, but I left it as is for now, fearing that doing so would make it truly impossible for anyone to know who I am.I don't want to lose the friends I've worked so hard to make over something so confusing.
By the way, he in the icon was
carefully selected from several images that came up after Googling
“Foreign man free material free”.
He is truly a chosen handsome foreigner who won a very strict audition.
Since he is such a handsome guy, naturally, his remarks must also be cool every time to make sense. This has become interesting. I'm itching to get started.
Alright, let's start tweeting right away.
First post. Click.

Too cool...!
The 2021 edition of the Noter everyone wants to be held by, ranked number one!!

Feeling the response, I decided from this moment on to enjoy life to the fullest as “Handsome Foreigner John”.

──Thus, Handsome Foreigner John suddenly appeared on the timelines of all my mutual followers without any warning.
This is a report chronicling the miraculous three days of one such handsome guy.
(Strictly speaking, it's four days, but three days sounded better for the title, so I'll go with that)

Day 1

【John is Coming! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!】

From your perspective, not only does a handsome foreigner you don't remember following suddenly appear on your timeline, but he also keeps hitting “Like” on your tweets. Naturally, you couldn't hide your confusion.

It's a bit of a prank.Jesus, you definitely don't need that.

Getting a DM from a handsome foreigner I don't know is way too scary. It's definitely one of those things where just clicking it charges you a hundred thousand yen.

There were also people who laughed. I'm relieved they understood the intent immediately.

Well, of course. A handsome foreigner suddenly appearing in a timeline filled only with Asians? There's no way they wouldn't notice. The sense of alienation is real.

I'm being treated like a suspicious foreigner.But it can't be helped. I am, indeed, nothing more than a suspicious foreigner. At this point, even I was trembling at John, who was already running the world, thinking,
“I may have created a monstrous creature...”
to myself.

It seemed like Sato-san would watch over us, but Ikematsu-san is trying to lead us into a flame war. That's cruel. I trusted you...!

I even saw people who, instead of thinking the suddenly appearing John was strange, started doubting themselves, wondering if they had been reincarnated into another world. I apologize for causing such trouble. Please rest assured. It's the same world as yesterday. What's strange is John. Or rather, it's my head. I'm sorry.

The word “John” appears five times in just a hundred characters. I feel like we've reached the realm of philosophy at this point. You should be careful, as getting too deep into this will leave you trapped in a dead end of thought. Because when you gaze into John, John also gazes into you.

I'll apologize for John, but I won't apologize for the gyoza. Actually, that looks delicious. I want gyoza tonight.

People are finally starting to point out the potential for real harm. I thought I had come up with a super handsome reply, but it seems that wasn't good enough. At this rate, a report is inevitable. My future depends on a single reply. I must answer carefully.

That's not what I meant.

Since it seems someone figured it out, I have no choice but to believe the mute has been lifted.

I was almost unfollowed, too. Even though we finally became friends. This might have been a riskier experiment than I thought.

I was finally unfollowed for real.It was a situation bound to happen. I'm sorry. It's me. I'm that shy rascal with the name that sounds like a rakugo performer who you were getting along with until recently.

These kinds of simple questions, or rather, pure "What are you doing?" are the toughest. Even if you ask me what I'm doing... I'm John-ing.

[New Confusion]

The mood of "Who the heck is this guy?" still continues.

I'm managing to dish out cool responses without my heart breaking, but then, an unexpected event occurred.

An impostor of me has appeared. Who is this guy!

Wow, that sounds like something they would say! It's a way of speaking like Yuraku Gyakusatei. What could it be? Are they someone who transformed like me? Let's check their profile.

@oilnomori... is it...?That person, right? You really got me. Come to think of it, they also did an imitation of my writing style in the past. Damn it!! Was that all for this moment!!
(That is definitely not the case)

Don't be fooled. That guy isn't the master! Though it's a bit awkward for me to call myself the master.

Ahhh~. They would say that~. I would say something like that~!!
Oh no!!

I managed to issue a warning before the damage could spread. I was about to drag everyone into a new mess, but the imposter retreated just in the nick of time.

I think we managed to keep the confusion to a minimum. An incident happened on the very first day of being John, so I'm worried about what's to come.

Day Two

Well then. It's the second day of John life.
Let's do our best.

[To everyone on the timeline who is adapting]

It seems you are managing to enjoy it somehow. I cannot deny the possibility that your senses have been broken by being exposed to my madness on a regular basis, though.

I have also seen a few people worrying about me. I am truly happy for your concern. I would like to confirm one thing, though: you are worried about how I will wrap this up or my stamina to keep going, right? You are not worried about my mental state, are you?

Some people have started trying to blatantly uncover John's true identity, teasing me already, or dropping major spoilers. I question your literacy.

By the way, as a result, my Twitter followers increased by about 50 in the three days since I became the handsome foreigner John. This is a new discovery.
If you pretend to be a handsome foreigner, your followers will increase. It has been proven.
For those who care about those kinds of numbers, it might be worth a try.

*However, you need a tough mentality to continue using casual speech with people older than you without batting an eye.

[A brief moment of rest]

I'm relieved that John has been accepted so well.
However, becoming someone other than myself was more grueling than I had imagined. It drains my stamina significantly. I decided to stop being John for a little while to return to my original self and give myself a break.

My true feelings are exploding.
And I'm about to be unfollowed again.

They mentioned me, but the timing was just awful. By the way, I should probably snitch on the fact that some pranksters living abroad were trying to make me perform a comedy routine earlier.

Oh, surprisingly pushy.I never thought of that solution. But when you're being accused, pretending to be someone else and saying 'Huh? I don't know anything about that' is, in a way, the ultimate way to play dumb. That's quite a radical shift in perspective. (I laughed so hard at this)

I just felt so incredibly sorry. But at the same time, saying 'I'm sorry' while staying in John's character was absolutely out of the question. I wanted to issue an apology as soon as possible. Even now, I am speaking to you while prostrating myself in my heart.

And so, back to the battlefield.

Day Three

Well, it's the third day of my John life. I'm used to it now. Today, I'll be swayed by the crowded morning train again and spout some handsome-guy remarks.

I wanted to disappear right then and there, but I couldn't afford to say that. Let's get to it with enthusiasm.

[Everyone starting to treat me carelessly]

I was almost forgotten after just three days of not seeing each other. That's terrible.

Hey. Don't call me by my real name.

Make my heart go thump! I'm a handsome foreigner, you know!

They are completely fed up with me.

That said, there are opinions like this too. I wonder how it really is. If everyone is tired of it, I'll stop. I'll gladly stop.
Let's take a quick survey.

Isn't that a landslide victory?So we're doing it? I can keep going? In that case, I'll steel myself. Seriously.

John is getting sloppy too.The fatigue is starting to show. Poor guy.

Suddenly brought to Japan and forced to say handsome things. Surely he must have some thoughts about it. Just as that was happening, the biggest incident yet occurs.

[A Rival Appears]

The unexpected handsome oil tycoon Oily has appeared. Apparently, the setting is that we are old acquaintances. By the way, the ID is once again displayed as @oilnomori.
What are they doing?
Are they bored?(That's why I'm saying, look who's talking)

Rivals are appearing one after another.

Charlie was there from a relatively early stage. The level of completion was high and it was good, but the person behind the character is a poor young man who often gets dragged into my antics whenever I do this kind of prank.

I cannot hide my astonishment at such an unprecedented genre. So there was a handsome category for Moai statues.
There were others like a handsome owl, a handsome Edo-style guy, and even a celebrity beauty, but if I were to pick up on all of them, there would be no end to it. Handsome guys are popping up simultaneously everywhere. Thank you for your hard work in the middle of a weekday. Well, I'm the same, though.

I guess handsome guys are popular after all. Well, there's no one who dislikes a handsome guy. No, it was worth transforming.

Look at this cheering.
Calling him Lord John. Amazing. Being handsome is amazing.

A handsome guy state of emergency has been declared.

[This is what happens when adults play seriously]

Since writers are gathered here, naturally, a narrative quality begins to emerge as the number of characters increases.

It's the classic school-life romantic comedy, isn't it? In that case, the protagonist naturally ends up like this.

A girl who is plain but secretly cute and becomes popular with all the handsome guys. Her name is apparently "Yuko."
She's kept very busy, being flirted with frivolously by John and being told "What an interesting woman" by the oil tycoon Oily. Just as the calls for a manga adaptation were growing louder, a professional threw a massive stone into the pond.

A manuscript that never existed has been found.Amazing. Simply too amazing. It's as if my vocabulary for praise has ridden a Harley to the moon. I genuinely want to read this.

Please purchase it at bookstores nationwide.
Handsome Pandemic, or "Ike-Pan" for short.
Professionals are amazing. Truly. They can create something this incredible.
An anime adaptation is inevitable.
I hope for YUKI for the opening theme and Suneohair for the ending theme.
Let's go with Kana Hanazawa for Yuko, Mamoru Miyano for John, and Yuki Kaji (the lower-pitched voice version) for Oily. I think the events would be packed with people, too. The royalties would probably be huge. Hehehe.

However, was it really necessary to involve professionals?
No, it was incredibly exciting, though. I even saved the images separately. It was an unexpected turn of events. Thank you very much.

Once things had reached a certain level of excitement, Oily got bored... or rather, returned to his home country. I look forward to the day we can meet again.

[John, I won't forget you]

That might not be the case, but I certainly ended up involving a lot of people.

I received this kind of feedback (please, give me a break), but I had already made up my mind by this point.

I'm bored. Seriously.
That's enough. I'll do it again sometime, so please let me finish this for now.

＊

And so, John, the handsome foreigner, set off on his journey once again.

The day will surely come when we can meet again.
When you shed a tear somewhere.
When you feel sad.
When you feel lonely.

At such times, please try calling out to him in your heart.

And please, even if only occasionally, remember him.

Remember that there was a slightly chubby Japanese salaryman who spent three days pretending to be a handsome foreigner and posting nonsense on Twitter.

And with that, I bid you farewell.

See you !