Essay | Wearing the cloak of 'usefulness' to convey a sense of helplessness.

Please be aware that this piece contains no useful information.

Last night, while talking with friends, someone mentioned, "I liked your old writing." This is someone who has been reading my work quite thoroughly for a long time and really enjoyed my essay-style pieces, so I thought, "Well, of course you'd feel that way." I was fine at the time, but it gradually made me think about various things, so I'd like to talk about that today.

Right now, the system of thought I primarily write from is based on the premise of "usefulness." This is largely due to elements I've acquired outside of creative work, and I've been summarizing these things specifically for writing theory, especially for Note theory. I've always thought, "I wish everyone would write more," so it's very fun to be able to share my own experiences and hypotheses. I'm enjoying it. But if asked how that compares to the essays you are reading right now, well... I can't help but have some doubts.

This is a bit of a tangent, but I had a friend who was incredibly knowledgeable about Feng Shui, and I thought they would go into that field, but they ended up becoming an accountant. When I asked, "Wait, why?" they said, "It's the place furthest from Feng Shui, so inserting Feng Shui elements there makes an impact, right?" and I thought that made a lot of sense. It's expected to talk about Feng Shui in the world of Feng Shui, but it's rare to talk about it in the world of accounting and auditing. And to do it invisibly. To hide Feng Shui in the shadows of numbers. That's how you expand the world of Feng Shui. And as a one-of-a-kind existence.

He still loves Feng Shui, but it doesn't show at all on the surface, and he kept rising in the ranks as an accountant/tax accountant with a reputation for being very good at supporting his clients. I think that thanks to him, the number of people who are somewhat exposed to Feng Shui has increased. Even those furthest from it.

I am quite conscious of this.
Wearing the cloak of "usefulness" to convey emotion. Unless I were already famous, my essays, as someone who is not and perhaps never will be "someone," would not be read by anyone. My "modern writing theory" wouldn't be read. "Writing in the AI era" wouldn't be read either. That's only natural. But if there is "usefulness," and if there is the certainty of that "usefulness," people will read my writing. That is why I make sure that within it, in places that seem unrelated to the main theme, each and every one of them contains careful word choice, playfulness, and a wavering heart. Or rather, if I didn't, it would become painful to keep writing only about "usefulness." That's not it. I just want to write.

This also attracts criticism.

"Oh, that Note thing."
"So they went that way."

The person might not have any ill intent, but my tofu-like mentality gets chipped away by this. It's not like that, it's really not like that! I want to say that, but I'm not in a position to say it, and today I am consumed as just another piece of gossip. It's so frustrating.

But even so, the reason I continue is because I have truly come to know the joy of "just writing," even if no one pays attention and no one evaluates it. When I was able to write 100,000 characters in a month that no one would read. Waking up in the morning, sitting in front of the PC, not thinking about themes or anything, just writing. Every day. Whatever came to mind at that moment. Sometimes surprised as words were born before my eyes, exceeding what I had been thinking. Because I have come to know this happiness.

Until a little while ago, I kept "business" and "creation" strictly separate. But little by little, I started incorporating creative elements into the business side. Writing poems, creating delusional visions. Things like that. So, in my own mind, I thought, "There is no longer a boundary between business and creation for me! They have completely merged!" But I was wrong. I was protecting something. The soft parts inside me. That's why I unconsciously avoided putting business into the "creation" part. It was nothing more than coating business with creative elements. Within a range where I wouldn't get hurt.

But now I am doing the opposite. I am putting "business" into "creation." It is quite painful. Honestly, it's a bit tough to put a lump of rationality, business, into pure, innocent creation. But I realized that "just writing" can never be taken away from me, and I realized that my creation will always remain as creation, so I'm okay now. That is precisely why I am now able to write by incorporating "usefulness" into the genre of "writing," which was the last thing I was protecting. It was a long road to get here. But, yeah, I think I'm okay now.