How to Empathize Correctly

When a colleague asks for advice at work or you reach out to a struggling subordinate to listen to them, what kind of attitude should you adopt?

What kind of communication skills make people want to work with you?

To understand the other person's emotions, it is important to listen well first.
The process involves empathizing with them, confirming and organizing the facts, presenting options, encouraging a decision, and moving toward action.

If you do not practice this empathy correctly, you may fall into empathy fatigue, or conversely, invite backlash as the person thinks, 'This person doesn't understand even if I talk to them.'

The theme of this article is how to empathize correctly.

<How to Empathize Correctly>

The foundation of empathy is to accept the other person's emotions exactly as they are, saying, 'I see that is how you are feeling right now.'

Then, you put that emotion into words by saying, 'That must have been difficult for you.'

At this time, you should listen carefully, without interrupting, without rushing them, without agreeing, without correcting, without evaluating, without giving advice, and without stating logical arguments; you simply accept what they say.

In other words, the attitude of trying to understand the other person's feelings is what is important.

Empathy is a 'technique' to make the other person feel understood.
'That was ~ for you, wasn't it?' This is the basis of empathy.
If the other person feels 'understood,' you have succeeded.

Here are some other standard phrases:
'That must have been tough,'
'That was hard,'
'Just listening to you, I can tell how difficult it was,'
'You felt frustrated, didn't you,'
'It's no wonder you feel that way,'
'I don't know what to say, but thank you for telling me,'
'It's unsettling when you don't know, isn't it,'
'No one can do it from the start; many people stumble here.'

Whether or not to give advice should only be done after you have finished empathizing and have asked the other person if they would like to hear it.

'If you'd like, may I share my thoughts?'
'Is there anything I can do to help?'

<When You Don't Need to Empathize>

Empathizing does not mean being kind.
Conversely, not empathizing does not mean being cold.

Sometimes it is better not to empathize. For example:

o When the other person is aggressive.
At such times, you must not empathize by saying, 'I see you are so angry.'
You should draw a line by saying, 'I cannot continue this conversation with you speaking to me like that.'

o When the other person is shifting responsibility.
You must not validate that behavior.
Instead of saying, 'That is difficult,' you should avoid aligning with them by saying, 'I understand you feel it is difficult, but...'

o When the other person is trying to manipulate you.
When they repeat the same complaints or resist solutions by saying 'but' or 'yes, but,' you should end the empathy by saying, 'What to do is something you have to decide for yourself.'

<NG Words for Empathy>

Here are some NG words you should avoid saying.

"But, shouldn't you have done ~?",
"I'm saying this for your own good, but",
"Everyone is like that",
"You're overthinking it",
"In other words, ~ is to blame",
"If it were me, I wouldn't care",
"That's too bad",
"Be careful next time",
"Can't you just put up with it?",
"Don't cry over something like that",
"Just push through it",
"It can't be helped",
"Why don't you understand?",
"I told you this before, didn't I?",
"It's just work",
"I'm the same, ~"

<If you accidentally say an NG word>

Even if you accidentally say these NG words, don't worry. You can recover.

Admit the disconnect by saying, "That wasn't the right way to put it," and then restate your empathy correctly.

"That's not what I meant",
"It's a misunderstanding",
"But, to be fair"
Be careful, as saying these will only make the wound deeper.

These things happen often, and the person who can fix them is the one who becomes trusted.
Don't seek perfection; instead, cultivate the ability to repair.

<Things often confused with empathy>

The thing most often confused with empathy is sympathy.

In English, empathy is "Empathy" and sympathy is "Sympathy"; the latter part is the same.
Wait, the English words are different.

Empathy is the state of getting into the same hole as the other person and being there with them, while sympathy is the state of looking down into the hole from above and calling out to them.

Empathy does not create a hierarchy, but sympathy becomes a top-down perspective, like saying, "You poor thing."

Researcher Brené Brown also says,

is what she says. A great quote, isn't it?

Furthermore, agreement means, "Your thinking is correct, I think so too," but empathy does not say whether something is right or wrong.

Encouragement like "It's okay" or "Do your best" is also not part of empathy.

Rushing to solve the problem by saying "You should do this" is not part of empathy.

<Empathy in Business Settings>

A typical example of using empathy in a business setting is handling complaints.

First, listen to what the person making the complaint has to say, then say,
"I understand that this has been an unpleasant experience for you,"
"I understand how you feel,"
to calm their excited emotions. Once their breathing slows down and they become calmer, say,
"I understand what you are saying. So, specifically, what would satisfy you?"
"What was the biggest issue?"
After confirming the facts, present a solution by saying,
"In that case, we will handle it as follows..."

Since 80% of complaints stem from a desire to be understood, empathy is what makes the difference.

At this time, be careful, as words like "It's the rules,"
"Usually, it's..."
or "Other customers..."
will only add fuel to the fire.

If a boss in the workplace has empathy, their instructions will not sound like orders, and subordinates will find it easier to express their true feelings.

Sometimes, even harsh criticism can turn into expectations.

Even when there is trouble within a team, constructive discussion can emerge by using empathy to focus on what is bothering people, rather than on who is right.

It is said that "people are convinced by logic and make decisions based on emotion."

When serving customers, if you have empathy, such as by asking,
"What are you most concerned about?"
or saying, "It's no wonder you're having trouble deciding,"
they will think, "I want to buy from this person."

Workplaces with empathy see faster discovery and sharing of mistakes, and because it is easier to ask for help, productivity, retention rates, and creativity all improve.

Correct empathy is a powerful tool for moving people, reducing friction, building trust, preventing turnover, and achieving results—in other words, for producing outcomes.

<Avoiding Empathy Fatigue>

There are times when you can become exhausted from empathizing too much. This is a state of empathy fatigue.

You end up empathizing so much that you feel the same pain yourself.

You start thinking, "I have to do something about this,"
or "They might dislike me if I refuse."

In such cases, change the subject from "I" to "you" and say,
"You are having a very hard time, aren't you?"

Be conscious of the fact that "this is the other person's problem, not my own."

Acknowledge that "there are things I can do and things I cannot do,"
and try saying, "Why don't you try consulting with [Name]?"

Also, it is good to avoid listening for long periods of time by saying, "I can listen for 30 minutes," to set a time limit, or to avoid responding on holidays or at night by saying, "Maybe we can talk another time."

And if you feel like you are experiencing empathy fatigue, it helps to step away for a moment, get some fresh air, wash your face with cold water, or take a deep breath.

In the safety instructions you hear when boarding an airplane, there is a phrase that says,
"Please put on your own oxygen mask first."You cannot help others unless you are well yourself.
Conversely, being well yourself is the greatest contribution you can make to those around you.

<Summary>

Empathy is not about staying by someone's side indefinitely.
It is about standing beside them temporarily and helping them return to a state where they can stand on their own.It is.

Thank you for reading.
I would appreciate it if you could like, follow, or leave a tip.
I look forward to your continued support.

#WorkTips