Self-Sufficiency of Love and the Second Asparagus

I'm in the middle of writing a travelogue, but this is for #Nannohanashidesu-ie

Please let me participate too♡

Please see below.

Days spent chasing the 'correct answer' of a happy, love-filled family

Getting married, becoming a wife, and becoming a mother. These were precious and invaluable experiences in life. There was definite happiness there. However, at the same time, I often felt as if I were whittling myself away. Why was it so painful? I understand now. I was binding myself to the phantoms of a 'happy family image' and an 'ideal wife/mother image' that I had created on my own. Deep down, I was screaming, 'I want to be loved.' Believing without a doubt that 'I will be loved if I just provide the correct answer,' I kept up the pretense of pouring out love even when my own heart was bone-dry. Instead of cherishing my honest feelings in the here and now, I was captivated by an 'ideal image' and forced myself to be loved by suppressing my 'true self.'

The good mother and good wife inside me refrained from spending money just for my own enjoyment and kept it hidden rather than being open about it. A good mother doesn't get angry, and a good wife doesn't defy her husband but suppresses herself to accommodate him. I would try to keep him in a good mood so he wouldn't get angry, suppress my own needs, and aim for family harmony. However, because I was actually whittling myself away, my heart was prickly, like a hedgehog. If the plan went even slightly off track or my family didn't react as I expected, anger would surge up, and deep sadness would strike me, thinking, 'I'm trying so hard, yet I don't get the right answer.' It became a state far from harmony. I didn't understand why I wasn't being loved or why things weren't going well despite my efforts.

When I started the 'self-sufficiency of love'

That was when I stopped trying so hard to be loved and gave up on trying to match the fickle 'correct answers' of others. Love doesn't need to be procured from the outside; it can be self-sufficient. I decided to value my true feelings more than anything else in the world. I went to places I wanted to go and did things I wanted to do. Little by little, I issued myself a permit for 'freedom.' Then, something mysterious happened. As I became able to cherish myself, I was not blamed but rather respected, and the obsession of 'wanting to be understood' vanished. It is okay to live freely and honestly with my own feelings. If I love myself, I will be loved. That track record gradually accumulated, and it brought me peace of mind.

They say that 'toxic parents ruin the fun atmosphere of events,' and I was the classic example. The moment I 'failed' while trying to provide the 'correct answer,' I would get incredibly angry, instantly turning the situation into something far from happy. However, this year's family trip was different from the usual.

I gathered the courage to leave my seat and reached my true feelings

A long-awaited family trip. Kyoto's Nishiki Market is a very lively place with shops packed into an arcade, but I heard they start closing in the evening. It was already past 5:00 PM, but when we arrived, I was overjoyed to see that most of the shops were open with their lights blazing. My spirits lifted. So this is the kitchen of Kyoto. The high school kids had matcha strawberry daifuku, and the adults had sake for 100 yen a cup while eating at the shop, and we ordered some snacks. Since the kids finished their daifuku quickly, I sent them off, saying, 'You two can go for a walk.' At that moment, I had ordered grilled asparagus, but I had finished my sake. After hesitating for a moment about whether to order another, I gathered my courage and confirmed, 'I'm a little worried, so can I go out with the kids?' My husband was surprised to be left alone, but I quietly and as politely as possible left my seat, saying, 'Please take care of the asparagus.'

As I walked, I gradually realized that saying things like 'I'm worried about the kids' was just a cowardly excuse using the children as a shield; I just wanted to feel the bustle of Nishiki Market on my skin and walk around before the shops closed. It seems that such a feeling was buried deep in my heart. It was precisely because I broke away from the self that suppresses itself by reading the room and gathered the courage to leave my seat that I reached my true feelings.

When I caught up with the kids, they were quite surprised. 'Why did you leave Dad? Seriously, what are you doing?' They seemed worried that the atmosphere would turn sour. I wonder how much trouble I've caused them until now. I'm sorry. While apologizing, my eyes were wandering, thinking only of 'what should I eat next?' Even though the kids said that matcha croquettes were a no-go, I ordered one as a souvenir. I was doing whatever I wanted.

My husband, who joined us later, was unexpectedly calm. Then, something even more surprising happened at the izakaya we visited afterward. 'I feel like there's someone here who didn't get to have their asparagus earlier,' my husband said, and he ordered it for me.

Just a little while ago, I had left the asparagus and my husband behind to head out into the crowd. I had been selfish enough to make my child worry. Yet, I was treated with kindness. When I forgave my true feelings, I was forgiven. Unbinding myself from the 'ideal image of how things should be,' the genuine happiness and peace of mind that overflow from within by fulfilling myself become the foundation of family happiness. I'm graduating from the days of proving myself with logical arguments and exhausting myself. The second asparagus. I savored the taste of freedom and happiness.