#02 The Man Who Didn't Want to Be Released: Prison Arc Part 2

Prison Arc Part 2

When I had just entered prison,

what I thought about every day

was how I could get out sooner.

If today ends,

the remaining number of days decreases by one.

Every time morning came,

I confirmed that in my head.

How many more years.

How many more months.

How many more days.

If I turned it into numbers,

I felt like I was getting a little bit of my life back.

Of course,

in reality, nothing comes back.

The matter of Mr. Hasegawa,

and the trouble I caused my family and those around me,

do not disappear just because of the days spent in prison.

Even so,

getting out was my only hope.

If I were free,

something would change.

If I got out,

I could start over.

At the very least,

it would be better than being here.

That is what I believed.

That is why,

when I learned that a man named Anzai,

was trying to delay his own release,

I didn't understand what it meant.

There are people who don't want to leave prison.

Such a thing,

I had never even imagined back then.

Masao Anzai,

was more than 20 years older than me.

He was 58 years old.

He was short,

and thin.

He wore his graying hair in a short crop,

He always walked with his back slightly hunched.

Inside the prison,

he was an inconspicuous man.

He never raised his voice.

He never fought with others.

He never rebelled against the staff.

His work wasn't slow, either.

But at the same time,

he wasn't particularly diligent either.

He was never praised by those around him,

nor was he strongly disliked.

You'd notice him only when you realized he was there.

That was the kind of man he was.

Anzai had,

the experience of serving time several times.

Theft.

Dining and dashing.

Trespassing.

None of them were major crimes.

However,

After being released, they commit crimes again,

and return to prison.

Inside the prison,

there were quite a few people like that.

As someone who had entered prison for the first time,

I looked down on the inmates who returned,

somewhere in my heart.

Once you've had a painful experience,

you would normally understand, right?

Why,

do they do the same thing again?

There shouldn't be anyone,

who wants to go to prison.

Once released,

you should just work honestly.

Don't associate with bad company,

don't steal,

don't hurt anyone,

and just live a normal life.

That's how I thought about it.

Looking back now,

that was the thinking of someone who had never lost the outside world.

I, too, had a place to return to.

I didn't think I could return completely to my old life, but

at the very least,

there were people outside who knew me.

I thought I could find work, too.

I believed that there was a possibility

of starting my life over once again.

Anzai,

could not see that possibility.

But at the time,

I still hadn't realized that.

Anzai's scheduled release date

was about three months away.

In the workshop,

that topic would come up from time to time.

"Anzai-san, it's almost time, isn't it?"

a young inmate says.

Anzai, without even smiling,

"I suppose so."

I replied.

"What will you do when you get out?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"Is anyone coming to pick you up?"

"No."

"Where will you live?"

"Who knows."

He didn't want to talk about it any further.

I,

had noticed that Anzai was not looking forward to his release.

However,

people who have been in prison for a long time,

are likely anxious about life on the outside.

I thought it was only to that extent.

We both wanted to get out.

It's just that,

he had more worries than I did.

That's what I assumed.

Anzai's demeanor changed when,

It was about two months before my release.

At first,

it was a small change.

During the morning roll call,

my response was delayed.

Even when the officer called my name,

I didn't answer right away.

"Anzai"

Called a second time,

finally,

"Yes"

I replied.

The officer warned me.

Anzai bowed his head.

That was the end of it.

The following week.

I was late for the start of work.

In prison,

at the designated time,

you move to the designated location.

Even for a slight delay,

he is asked for a reason.

Anzai said,

that he had been retying his shoelaces over and over.

"I couldn't tie them right."

That was his explanation.

The officer was irritated.

"You're not a child."

Anzai didn't answer.

The next time,

was in the cafeteria.

He bumped his hand against the dish of the inmate sitting next to him,

and spilled the miso soup.

He apologized, saying it wasn't on purpose.

However,

the man who had his soup spilled was angry.

Anzai did not talk back.

Those around them stopped it,

and it didn't become a major issue.

Even so,

It was unnatural for Anzai, who had hardly caused any trouble until then,

to be reprimanded so many times in such a short period.

Inside the prison,

rumors spread quickly.

"He's let his guard down now that he's about to be released."

"He plans to steal again once he gets out."

"He was always that kind of guy."

People,

in accordance with the behavior they see now,

even reshape their impressions of the past.

After I became a detective later on,

I would see that happen many times.

But at the time,

I was the same way myself.

Anzai,

was actually a problematic man.

He had just been hiding it until now.

I, too,

had started to think so.

In the same work crew,

There was a young man named Miura.

He was in his late twenties.

He had a large build,

and a mean look in his eyes.

He was short-tempered,

and over things like the order of work or where tools were placed,

he had clashed with other inmates several times.

He was quiet when staff were nearby.

However,

when they looked away,

he would speak in a harsh tone to those who seemed weak.

He often approached Anzai,

too.

During a work break,

Miura stood next to Anzai.

He said something in a low voice.

Anzai did not look up,

but nodded with his gaze cast downward.

Miura looked around before walking away.

Watching that scene,

I have seen it several times.

At first, I didn't pay it any mind.

However,

ever since Anzai started causing trouble,

the way I see it has changed.

Miura is threatening Anzai.

That is what I thought.

In prison,

there are things that serve as currency.

Food.

Daily necessities.

Things to write letters with.

Even small items,

hold value within human relationships.

I heard a story that,

a bar of soap went missing from Anzai's shelf.

On another day,

a half-used pencil also went missing.

Perhaps someone stole them.

Perhaps Anzai lost them himself.

I haven't confirmed anything.

Even so,

the pieces fell into place in my mind immediately.

Miura is threatening Anzai.

He is stealing his things.

Anzai doesn't want to cause any trouble before his release,

so he stays silent.

Because of that stress,

he is making more mistakes in other areas.

I felt as if,

I had seen through the truth.

Of course,

I am not a detective yet.

I don't know how to investigate people.

I have never followed anyone either.

I don't know how to gather evidence.

It's just that,

I had a lot of time to observe people in prison.

Even so,

just by starting to pay a little more attention to people's behavior,

I had begun to think that I could see more than other people.

Looking back on it now,

it was the most dangerous period.

A person who knows nothing,

by knowing just a little bit,

thinks they understand everything.

That was exactly who I was,

at that time.

After work one day,

I spoke to Anzai.

"Is Miura saying something to you?"

Anzai,

looked at my face.

"What are you talking about?"

"He talks to you often, doesn't he?"

"We're in the same work group, that's why."

"Things have been going missing, too."

"What things?"

"Like soap, or pencils."

Anzai,

He narrowed his eyes just a little.

"Who did you hear that from?"

"Everyone is saying it."

In truth,

it wasn't that everyone was saying it.

I had simply pieced together,

a few conversations I'd overheard on my own.

"Did Miura take it from you?"

"No."

"But..."

"I said no, didn't I?"

Anzai's voice grew sharper.

It wasn't like the usual Anzai.

I,

thought it was even more suspicious.

The more someone is being threatened,

the more they hate for those around them to know.

If word got back to Miura,

there's no telling what he might do.

That's why he's denying it.

That's what I thought.

"Don't you think you should tell the staff?"

"Tell them what?"

"That you're being threatened."

Anzai

looked at me for a while.

And then,

he let out a small sigh.

"It's none of your business."

He said just that,

and walked away.

I felt angry.

Even though I was trying to help him.

That's what I thought.

Even though he hadn't asked,

I had taken it upon myself to be the one helping.

A few days later.

Anzai lunged at Miura.

It was on the way back from the cafeteria to the workshop.

It happened right in front of the staff.

Anzai approached Miura, who was walking in front of him,

and suddenly,

pushed him in the back.

Miura turned around.

"What are you doing?"

Anzai,

without saying a word, swung his fist.

However,

the fist only hit Miura's shoulder.

Miura shoved Anzai away.

Anzai fell to the floor.

A guard immediately stepped in between them.

"Stop it!"

The surrounding inmates were made to back up against the wall.

Miura was shouting,

"He started it!"

Anzai,

remained silent while sitting on the floor.

"Anzai, get up."

Told by the guard,

He stands up slowly.

"What's the reason?"

Anzai does not answer.

"What happened?"

Silence.

Miura says something.

"I didn't do anything."

The staff took the two of them away separately.

I,

remained where I was,

thinking about what had happened.

He must have been threatened by Miura after all.

He couldn't take it anymore,

and Anzai punched him.

That was the only way I could see it.

Even though Anzai was about to be released,

he had caused trouble himself.

He must have been pushed to the edge.

I,

felt confident in my conclusion.

That night.

Among the inmates in the same cell,

the talk turned to Anzai.

"Apparently, he was being picked on by Miura."

Someone said.

"What about?"

"His things were being taken."

"For a while now?"

"Anzai must have kept quiet about it."

No one had confirmed it.

However,

the rumor took shape every time it was told.

At first,

"It seems some things went missing."

was all it was.

That became,

"It seems Miura took them."

and in the end,

it became,

"He had been threatened by Miura the whole time."

changed.

I

did not deny that story.

Rather,

I talked about how Miura and Anzai looked when I saw them.

"Miura kept approaching him."

"Anzai-san looked uncomfortable."

I

not only spoke of the facts I saw,

but also added how I felt about it.

Miura approached him.

Anzai did not look up.

That was a fact.

Whether Anzai was uncomfortable or not,

was my own imagination.

However,

by the time it left my mouth,

it had become like a fact.

The next day.

Miura had been removed from the work crew.

Anzai is gone too.

It seems he is being questioned about the situation.

A few days later,

only Miura returned.

He was clearly in a bad mood.

Those around him kept their distance.

When Miura walked by,

conversations would stop.

No one said it directly.

However,

an atmosphere had formed that Miura had been threatening Anzai.

During a break,

Miura came up to me.

"Did you say something?"

"About what?"

"That I was threatening Anzai."

"I didn't say anything."

It wasn't a complete lie.

I hadn't told the staff anything.

However,

I had been telling other inmates my own speculations.

"Everyone is saying it."

When I answered,

Miura clicked his tongue.

"You don't know anything."

"Then why don't you explain it?"

"Explain what?"

"Why don't you return the items to Mr. Anzai?"

Miura's expression changed.

"Huh?"

"Things like the soap and the pencils."

For a moment,

he looked genuinely confused.

But I,

thought it was an act.

"You,"

Miura lowered his voice.

"Don't go saying whatever you want."

"You're the one doing whatever you want."

I didn't back down.

Just like when I punched Mr. Hasegawa,

the moment I thought I was right,

the habit of coming on strong to others,

still remained within me.

Miura,

looked like he was about to grab my chest.

However,

noticing the gaze of the staff,

he stopped his hand.

"We'll talk later."

He said that and walked away.

I was a little scared.

At the same time,

I thought he had hit the nail on the head.

Anzai returned,

three days later.

More than before,

his back was even more hunched.

When I approached,

Anzai walked as if to avoid me.

Mr. Anzai.

I call out to him.

He stops, but

he doesn't look at me.

You should talk about Miura.

About what?

You were being threatened, weren't you?

No.

You don't have to hide it anymore.

I'm not hiding anything.

Then why did you hit him?

Anzai doesn't answer.

You're about to be released.

If things stay like this, won't it affect your treatment?

Anzai's shoulders

move slightly.

I continue.

If Miura is the cause, you should just talk about it properly.

It's not right for only you to be blamed, Anzai.

At that moment,

Anzai looked at me.

His eyes,

were sharper than I had ever seen them before.

"Don't do anything unnecessary."

"But"

"I didn't ask you to."

"I'm trying to help you."

After I said that,

Anzai's face twisted.

Was he angry?

Was he in pain?

I couldn't tell.

"Help me?"

Anzai gave a small laugh.

"You?"

The way he said it made me angry.

"What's so funny?"

"When you don't know anything."

It was the same thing Miura had said.

I don't know anything.

I was told that again.

I was told that again.

"I am trying to understand."

"Then don't look."

"Huh?"

"Don't look at me."

Anzai said just that,

and walked away.

I couldn't accept it.

Anzai,

is clearly hiding something.

Miura,

also knows something.

But neither of them will talk.

Inside prison,

there are almost no ways to investigate other people's circumstances.

You can't just ask questions freely either.

You can't go where you want.

You can't check records either.

I just,

I had no choice but to watch his daily actions.

Who he talks to.

What he has.

Where he looks.

Leaving food behind.

The speed of his work.

Until then, I had thought

that observation

meant staring at someone.

However,

if you stare, you get noticed.

If you try too hard to see,

you only see what you want to see.

I still

didn't even know that.

The more I watched Anzai,

the more I only looked for evidence that he was being threatened by Miura.

Anzai avoided Miura.

As I thought, he is afraid.

Anzai talked to Miura.

He is being asked for something again.

Anzai stopped working.

He is worried about Miura.

No matter what action was taken,

he was able to connect it to his own ideas.

Thinking back on it now,

he wasn't investigating.

He was just trying to prove that his predictions were correct.

One day.

In the workshop,

Anzai was reprimanded by a staff member.

It seems he skipped checking the products.

"How many times is this?"

The staff member said.

Anzai bowed his head.

"I'm sorry."

"You've been acting strange lately."

"Yes."

"Are you losing focus because your release is coming up?"

Anzai did not answer.

You know what happens if things stay like this, right?

Yes.

It will affect your parole and treatment.

When I heard those words,

I was looking at Anzai's face.

Normally,

I would have panicked.

I had been told that my release might be delayed.

I should apologize.

I should make excuses.

I should promise not to do it again.

But Anzai,

just for a split second,

let out a breath.

He looked relieved.

It was only for an instant.

He immediately looked down.

I,

thought I had misread him.

Being told that my release might be delayed,

There is no way anyone could feel at ease.

That evening.

Miura approached Anzai.

I watched from a short distance away.

Miura,

tried to return some small object to Anzai.

Anzai shook his head.

Miura insisted.

Anzai refused again.

Finally, Miura,

put the object back into his own clothes.

I couldn't see what it was.

It might have been soap.

It might have been a pencil.

As I thought,

he was trying to return something he had stolen.

That's what I thought.

However,

I heard the words Miura said immediately after.

"It's no use anymore."

Anzai replied in a low voice.

Just one more time.

I don't know what he's talking about.

Miura shakes his head.

It'll be found out.

Anzai says.

It's fine where the staff can see.

I felt a sense of unease deep in my chest.

It didn't sound like a conversation between people being threatened.

Anzai is asking Miura for something.

That's how it sounded.

However, I don't understand the meaning.

What are they going to do where the staff can see?

The next day at noon.

The answer was...

Wait, I need to ensure the unit count matches the input.

Anzai,

replied in a low voice.

It's just one more time.

I don't know what he's talking about.

I understood immediately.

In the workshop,

Anzai took Miura's tools without permission.

Miura took them back.

Anzai wouldn't let go.

The two of them pulled at each other.

A staff member approached.

At that moment,

Anzai shouted out loud.

Stop it!

Those around them turned to look.

Miura had a surprised look on his face.

Anzai,

threw himself onto the floor.

It looked as if Miura had pushed him.

The staff member came running over.

What are you doing!

Miura,

No,

he shouted.

He did this to himself.

Anzai sat on the floor,

holding his arm.

I was watching.

Miura didn't push him.

Anzai,

fell on his own.

In that moment,

the story in my head fell apart.

Miura is threatening Anzai.

Anzai is the victim.

That is what I believed.

But,

what just happened was the opposite.

Anzai,

tried to make Miura look like the perpetrator.

And what's more,

in a place where the staff could see.

The two of them were taken away again.

In the workshop,

A strange silence remained.

I was confused.

Miura is not at fault.

At the very least,

he did nothing in this current matter.

Anzai,

why did he do such a thing?

Does he hold a grudge against Miura?

Is it retaliation for something from before?

Or perhaps,

does he want to drag Miura down with him?

However,

Anzai's expression,

did not look like he was angry.

Before he collapsed,

he checked his surroundings.

He was looking at where the staff would come from.

He had planned it.

I,

thought about it for the first time.

Anzai is not

causing problems.

He is trying to cause problems.

The tardiness until now.

Knocking over the dishes.

Work mistakes.

The violence against Miura.

Could it be that

none of these were coincidences?

That night.

I couldn't sleep.

I thought back on

Anzai's actions from the beginning.

He delayed his response during inspection.

He was late to start work.

He knocked over the dishes.

He punched Miura.

He skipped steps in the work process.

He threw himself onto the floor.

Everything,

It was a place where the staff were watching.

In places where no one could see,

I haven't caused any trouble.

Even the incident with Miura,

won't result in any major injuries.

However,

it will remain on the record.

It could potentially affect my treatment.

For someone close to release,

these were all disadvantageous actions.

I,

recalled the staff member's words.

If things continue like this,

it will affect my parole and treatment.

Anzai's face at that time.

It wasn't impatience.

It was relief.

No way.

I,

the thought that surfaced within me,

I denied it immediately.

That couldn't be true.

There is no way a person exists

who doesn't want to leave prison.

The next morning.

Miura returned.

Anzai was not there.

I approached Miura.

"Yesterday"

"Don't talk to me."

Miura glared at me.

"I saw it."

"Saw what?"

"You didn't push him, did you?"

Miura's expression changed.

"So what if I didn't?"

"Anzai fell on his own."

"Did you tell the staff?"

"Not yet."

"Don't tell them."

But if things stay like this, Miura-san...

I told you not to say it.

Miura

grabbed my arm.

His grip was strong.

Why?

It has nothing to do with you.

The same words again.

Did Anzai-san ask you to do this?

Miura's hand stopped.

I was certain.

What did he ask you to do?

I don't know.

Did he tell you to cause trouble in front of the staff?

Miura didn't answer.

The soap and the pencil...

I received them.

I asked back, caught off guard.

You received them?

From Anzai.

Didn't you take it?

I told them I didn't need it.

But they said they were going to do it, so I had to cooperate.

Do what?

Miura looked around.

He confirmed that no one was nearby.

To cause trouble.

His voice was low.

At first, they said it would just be a small argument.

They said it would be enough to get a warning from the staff.

But it gradually got worse.

Were you told to hit him?

I didn't hit him.

I know.

He fell down on his own yesterday, too.

Why didn't you stop them?

Miura,

made a bitter face.

Anzai...

He cut his sentence short.

Because I said I didn't want to go outside.

I,

thought I had misheard.

What was that?

That I don't want to be released.

Miura said.

If I cause some kind of trouble,

maybe I can stay here.

That's...

I thought it was a joke at first, too.

But he was serious.

I couldn't say anything.

I denied it over and over in my head.

I don't want to be released.

I don't want to go outside.

I want to stay in prison.

I,

could not understand.

Why?

The words that finally came out were,

That was all.

Miura shook his head.

"Ask him yourself."

Anzai returned

in the evening.

I tried to call out to him immediately.

However,

my feet stopped.

What should I ask?

Why doesn't he want to get out?

Even though he can be released,

why does he cause trouble on purpose?

That is wrong.

He should go outside,

and start over.

I had plenty of things I wanted to say.

But,

I hadn't confirmed with Anzai himself yet

if the story I heard from Miura was true.

The old me,

I believed Katagiri's story,

and decided that Mr. Hasegawa was a bad person.

This time, too,

should I just believe Miura's story?

A little bit,

I had started to learn how to pause and think.

I went in front of Anzai.

I have something I want to ask you.

Anzai,

just looked at my face.

I heard it from Mr. Miura.

At that moment,

Anzai's expression changed.

What?

That you don't want to be released.

The sounds around me,

felt like they were fading away.

Anzai said nothing.

Is it true?

A long silence.

Before long,

Anzai said.

So what?

He did not deny it.

Why?

It has nothing to do with you.

Miura might be punished.

I was the one who asked for it.

Please tell that to the staff.

No.

Why?

Because I will be released as scheduled.

Anzai,

looked straight at me.

I don't want to go outside.

It wasn't a joke.

It wasn't a bluff either.

He didn't look scared either.

It was just,

the voice of a man who had made up his mind.

This is prison.

I said.

I know.

You have no freedom.

I know.

You can go outside.

That's what I don't want.

I couldn't understand.

I felt irritated.

You should just live honestly on the outside.

The moment I said that,

Anzai laughed.

It wasn't a mocking laugh.

It was the laugh of a tired person.

People who have a place to start over say that so easily.

At those words,

I couldn't reply.

Anzai,

tried to walk past me.

I called out to stop him.

What will happen to Miura?

Anzai stops.

Just because you want to stay,

is it okay for Miura to take the blame?

Anzai did not turn around.

I asked him to.

But the staff doesn't know that.

They think Miura threatened you.

You thought so too, didn't you?

I felt a pang in my chest.

I had been trying to help Anzai.

However,

because of the speculation I had spread,

I had strengthened the suspicion against Miura.

If that wasn't the case,

I said,

it needs to be corrected.

For whose sake?

For Miura's sake.

What will happen to me?

Anzai's voice

trembled slightly.

"If I tell the truth,"

"I'll be released."

"Isn't it good to be released?"

"To where?"

At those words,

I fell silent.

Anzai turned around slowly.

"Where am I supposed to go back to?"

That is what Anzai said.

I couldn't answer.

Just get out.

Just work honestly.

Just don't steal.

Just live a normal life.

Until a little while ago,

I thought that was the right answer.

However,

Anzai's question,

I had heard what came after that.

After getting out,

where would I go?

Who would be waiting?

Where would I sleep?

What would I eat?

Would there be work?

When the money ran out,

who would I ask for help?

I,

could not answer a single thing.

Anzai,

seeing me remain silent,

smiled just a little.

"You don't know, do you?"

"But..."

"But what?"

"It's wrong to drag you into this just to stay in prison, Miura-san."

That was all,

I was finally able to say.

The smile vanished from Anzai's face.

"Then what do you suggest I do?"

"Please tell the truth."

"If I talk, I'll be kicked out."

"Even so..."

"Are you going to go out there in my place?"

I fell silent.

"Are you going to find me a job?"

"Are you going to provide me with a place to live?"

"Are you going to watch me every day to make sure I don't steal?"

"That is..."

"You can't, can you?"

I couldn't.

I was a prisoner myself.

I was barely managing my own life.

Helping Anzai with his life after release,

I couldn't do anything.

And yet,

I was only saying what was right.

Tell the truth.

Get out.

Start over.

None of those

were words that took any responsibility.

Anzai said.

"It's easy."

"What is?"

"Saying the right thing."

I

felt angry.

I felt like I was being told I was wrong.

"So, are you saying it's fine if Miura gets punished?"

"I'm the one who asked for it."

"The staff doesn't know."

"You just have to not say anything."

"It will look like Miura threatened you."

"It won't."

"It's already a rumor."

Anzai looks at me.

I looked away.

Did you say it?

I...

You said it, didn't you?

I saw Miura approaching you.

I also heard that things had gone missing.

So, I thought you were being threatened.

You only thought so, right?

I couldn't answer anything.

Did you see me looking uncomfortable around Miura?

Did you see him actually taking things from me?

Did you hear Miura threatening me?

No, I didn't.

Then what did you see?

Miura-san approached you,

and you looked down.

Yes.

Is that all?

Yes.

Anzai

let out a small sigh.

"You think you're good at observing people, don't you?"

Those words struck home.

"I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"You take what you see and connect the dots yourself,"

"and act like you know everything."

I couldn't argue back.

When I hurt Mr. Hasegawa,

it was the same thing.

I heard the story from Katagiri.

I saw Mr. Hasegawa's attitude.

I connected the dots in a way that suited me.

And then,

I struck him before confirming the truth.

After entering prison,

I thought I had changed at least a little.

But,

I was doing the same thing all over again.

This time, it wasn't with my fists.

It was with rumors.

Even so,

there was a possibility I could hurt Miura.

That night,

I could barely sleep.

Anzai's words,

would not leave my head.

Where am I supposed to go back to?

It's easy to say the right thing.

I'm just connecting what I saw as I please.

I,

was trying to save Anzai.

At least,

that's what I thought myself.

But in reality,

maybe I just wanted to be on the right side.

Miura is bad.

Anzai is the victim.

I am the person who realized that.

In that form,

it was easy to understand.

Even if I am someone who has hurt others in the past,

I can now stand on the side of helping someone.

Perhaps I,

more than for Anzai's sake,

was acting for my own sake.

When I thought about that,

my chest tightened.

The next morning.

Miura,

came to the workshop as usual.

The atmosphere around him hadn't changed.

No one was openly avoiding him.

However,

conversations would stop when Miura approached.

Only their gazes would shift.

I,

was one of the people who created that atmosphere.

During the break.

I called out to Miura.

"I need to talk to you."

Again?

I'm sorry.

Miura looked puzzled.

What for?

I thought you were threatening Anzai.

You just assumed that on your own.

I told other people, too.

Miura

said nothing for a while.

I thought he would yell at me.

I even thought he might hit me.

But Miura

said in a low voice,

What good does apologizing now do?

He was right.

It became a rumor.

Yes.

The staff suspected me too.

Yes.

If you say you were wrong, will everything go back to how it was?

"I won't go back."

"Then don't apologize."

When he said that,

I couldn't say anything.

If I apologized,

my own guilt would feel a little lighter.

But,

Miura's situation wouldn't change.

I was,

once again, trying to use words for my own sake.

"What should I do?"

I asked without thinking.

Miura scoffed.

"Don't ask me."

"But"

"Think for yourself."

Saying that,

Miura walked away.

I,

hesitated about whether I should talk to the staff.

That Anzai was causing trouble on his own.

That he had asked Miura for his cooperation.

That the soap and pencil were not stolen,

but were given to him.

Regarding yesterday's incident,

Miura did not push Anzai.

If I told them what I saw,

perhaps the suspicion against Miura would at least be lightened.

However,

Anzai would be released.

I would be driving him out,

to the place he fears.

I felt that,

whichever I chose,

I would be hurting someone.

Stay silent.

Speak up.

I don't know which is right.

At that time,

I was not yet a detective.

I haven't even been trained to separate facts from emotions.

Into someone else's life,

I don't even know how far I should get involved.

All I could do,

was worry.

A few days later.

Anzai caused another problem.

This time,

he dropped his served meal onto the floor.

Even when warned by the staff,

he wouldn't pick it up.

"Clean it up yourself."

Even when told that,

he just stood there in silence.

In the end,

for defying the staff's instructions,

he was taken to another location.

As I watched that scene,

I felt uneasy.

I felt bad.

Anzai is

trying to make himself look bad.

In order to be recorded as a problematic inmate.

He is intentionally showing

the kind of failures one would normally hide.

Humans,

act to get closer to what they desire.

That is what I had thought.

But Anzai,

was acting to move further away from freedom.

And that, too,

was the direction Anzai desired.

I could not understand it.

I wanted to dismiss what I couldn't understand

as being wrong.

However,

a little more than before,

I was able to stop myself from deciding immediately.

That night.

Anzai did not return.

Are they being questioned?

Has their treatment changed?

I don't know anything.

They weren't there the next day either.

Miura won't say anything.

Around me,

It seems Anzai is going to be punished.

It seems his release date will be pushed back.

It seems Miura will be disciplined too.

Various rumors were circulating.

I,

did not share my speculations as I had before.

Even when asked,

"I don't know."

I replied.

Just by doing that,

people around me looked at me with puzzled expressions.

I think that before,

I used to talk as if I knew everything.

When Anzai returned,

It was one week later.

His face looked haggard.

I,

did not speak to him right away.

Anzai, too,

did not look at me.

Work.

Meals.

Inspections.

The scheduled time passed by.

That evening.

Anzai was the one who spoke first.

"Did you talk to them?"

"About what?"

"About Miura."

"Not yet."

"I see."

Anzai,

looked as if he were relieved,

and yet also as if he were disappointed.

"But"

I said.

"I can't just leave it like this."

Anzai's expression hardened.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

I answered honestly.

Anzai looked a little surprised.

If it were the old me,

I would have said that I should tell the truth.

I would have stated that definitively.

But now,

I didn't know what was right for me.

"It's just that"

I continued.

"I don't think it's right for you to be held responsible for things you didn't do, Mr. Miura."

"So, are you going to get me out?"

"That's not for me to decide either."

"Are you running away?"

"Perhaps I am.""

When I put it into words,

it felt pathetic.

I have no answers.

I cannot help Anzai.

I cannot fully save Miura either.

"But"

I said.

"Anzai-san not wanting to go outside"

"and Miura-san taking the blame"

"are not the same thing."

Anzai remained silent.

"For Miura-san to become the villain for Anzai-san's sake"

"is something I disagree with."

"Then, for whom is it different?"

It was the same question as before.

"For me."

I answered.

"It's just what I think."

"I don't know if it's right."

Anzai,

He looked at me for a while.

"You're a strange guy."

"I get that a lot."

"By whom?"

"You're the first person to say it to me just now."

Anzai,

smiled just a little bit.

After lights out that day.

In the dark room,

Anzai began to speak in a small voice.

I didn't know who he was talking to.

Maybe he was talking to me.

Maybe he was talking to himself.

"The first time I went in, I wasn't even 30 yet."

Theft.

A short prison sentence.

After I was released,

I worked at a factory.

Back then, I had a wife.

I also had a young daughter.

However,

I couldn't keep a job for long.

I drank alcohol.

I took money.

I lied.

My wife took our daughter and left.

After that,

I wrote letters several times.

There was no reply.

"It's only natural,"

Anzai said.

"There's no way I'd get a reply."

After a while,

Anzai committed theft again.

Release.

Recidivism.

Release.

Recidivism.

I lost my place to live.

Even when I looked for work,

I can't keep a job.

I have no guarantor.

I have no address.

I have no money.

I lost my ID.

I can't get a meal.

"If I steal, I can eat."

Anzai said.

"If I get caught, I can eat even more."

He was laughing.

But,

it wasn't a funny story.

"In here,"

Anzai continued,

"they wake you up in the morning."

"They serve meals."

"There's a place to sleep."

"There's work to do."

"If you're sick, they'll see you."

"And they even call you by your name."

Those words

remained in my heart.

My name is called.

In prison,

regardless of my own will,

my existence is confirmed every day.

Inspection.

Work.

Meals.

Someone

confirms that I am there.

Outside,

even if Anzai isn't there,

perhaps no one would notice.

"When you get out,"

Anzai said.

"no one will wake you up in the morning."

"No meals will be served."

"No one will tell you where to go."

"You can do whatever you want."

"That's what scares me."

I asked.

"Are you afraid of freedom?"

"Freedom is something that..."

Anzai said.

"It's only freedom for those who know what to do with it."

I

thought about the meaning of those words.

To me, freedom

was something that existed outside of prison.

To Anzai,

it was being thrown into a place with no support.

Even with the same words,

what we saw was different.

"Don't you want to see your daughter?"

When I asked,

Anzai was silent for a long time.

"I do."

"Then..."

"There's no way I can see her."

If you look for him.

What are you saying?

Anzai's voice grew a little sharper.

A father who has been in and out of prison so many times.

Are you saying you want to see him now?

If you apologize.

If you apologize, will the other person feel better?

I couldn't answer.

Apology.

Remorse.

Starting over.

These are things,

that the person who committed the crime also seeks.

If I apologize, I will be forgiven.

If we meet, our relationship will return to normal.

I want to think that way.

However,

the person who was hurt,

has no reason to have to accept that.

I,

It was around the time I was thinking about writing a letter to Mr. Hasegawa.

I want to apologize.

I want to tell him that I was being deceived.

I want him to know that I wasn't actually a bad person.

Within those feelings,

was there a part of me that just wanted to be forgiven?

Because of Anzai's words,

I thought about it for the first time.

"Do you think it's better not to meet him?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I want to see him."

"But I also feel like it's better not to."

"Both are true."

People,

don't act based on just one feeling.

I want to see him.

I don't want to see him.

I want to get out.

I don't want to get out.

I want to start over.

I think it's already too late.

These conflicting feelings,

exist within the same person.

At that time,

I still couldn't quite understand that.

The next day.

Anzai was called away,

for an interview with a staff member.

After he returned,

he looked pale.

"What did they ask you?"

Even when I asked,

Anzai didn't answer.

That night,

Miura approached me.

"Anzai asked me again."

"For what?"

"He asked me to really hit him next time."

"Did you refuse?"

"Yeah."

"That's fine."

After I said that,

Miura got angry.

"I don't want to hear that from you."

"I'm sorry."

"Do something about Anzai."

"I can't do that."

"Then who's going to do it?"

I didn't know.

The staff.

The rehabilitation officer.

His family.

He needs to ask someone for help.

However,

Anzai won't talk.

"It would be better if you told the truth, Miura-san."

"Me?"

"About what you were asked to do."

Miura frowned.

If I talk, I'll be punished too.

Because I cooperated at first.

Yes.

Don't say things so easily.

I was told that again.

It is easy to say the right thing.

I,

tell Miura to speak up.

However,

Miura has his own disadvantages.

From a safe place of my own,

I was just telling someone else to be honest.

I'm sorry.

I said.

Are you apologizing again?

Then, what should I say?

Don't say anything.

Miura was irritated.

However,

after a while, he said quietly.

I don't want Anzai to die.

Die?

Once he gets out.

Miura looked away.

He said so himself.

I gasped.

When?

The first time he asked me.

Once I get out, I'm going to die anyway.

That's why he wants to stay here.

That was,

not just some simple anxiety.

It was a matter of life and death.

I,

suddenly felt afraid.

After Anzai is released,

he might really die.

Knowing that,

can I really just do nothing?

I,

I decided to talk to the staff.

I wasn't confident that it was the right choice.

I would be betraying Anzai's wishes.

Miura's involvement would also come to light.

They might both come to resent me.

Even so,

if I reached the day of my release while staying silent,

and Anzai really died,

I felt I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Was it for Anzai's sake?

Or was it to avoid my own guilt?

I didn't know.

Back then,

I couldn't neatly separate my motives.

Even now,

I don't think I can do it completely.

The desire to help someone,

and the desire not to have regrets.

The desire to do the right thing,

and the desire to think of myself as a good person.

They are

always mixed together.

When I spoke to the staff,

I explained everything from the beginning.

The conversation between Anzai and Miura.

The soap and the pencil.

The fact that Anzai fell down on his own.

What I heard from Miura,

about not wanting to be released.

That he said he would die if he went outside.

And,

that I had shared my own selfish assumptions with others,

and spread suspicion toward Miura.

The staff member

listened with almost no change in expression.

"Why didn't you say anything until now?"

"I was hesitant."

"About what?"

"Because Anzai-san said he didn't want to go outside."

"So you thought it was fine for Miura to be suspected?"

I don't think so.

Then why did you stay silent?

I couldn't answer.

The officer's question

was the same as Anzai's.

It was the same as Miura's.

I,

while intending to help someone,

did not understand what I was doing.

I'm sorry.

When I said that,

the officer said,

You're not the one I should be apologizing to.

It was the same thing Miura had said to me.

From that day on,

Anzai was removed from the work detail again.

Miura, too,

was questioned in detail about the circumstances.

All around me,

what I had told the officer spread quickly.

I was told,

"You snitched."

I don't know who said it.

But,

conversations stop.

People keep their distance from me.

I,

no longer know if my choice was the right one.

In prison,

talking to staff about other inmates is frowned upon.

No matter the reason,

it is seen as a betrayal.

Miura, too,

hasn't spoken to me since he came back.

Even if our eyes meet,

he looks away immediately.

I,

intended to speak up to help Anzai.

But,

Anzai is gone,

I was avoided by Miura,

and I had lost the trust of those around me.

It seemed like nothing had improved.

A few days later.

I was called in for an interview.

Anzai was not there.

From the staff,

I was warned not to act on my own regarding Anzai's case from now on.

"The person in charge will handle life after release."

"The person in charge?"

"We will connect them to rehabilitation services and welfare."

For the first time,

I heard specifically about such support.

People with nowhere to return to.

People without jobs.

The elderly.

People suffering from illnesses.

After release,

for those who cannot immediately sustain their lives,

there are cases where they are connected to facilities and support.

Not everyone can be helped enough.

Sometimes the person themselves refuses.

Sometimes a place to accept them cannot be found.

However,

the moment they leave prison,

there are other paths besides being thrown out completely alone.

I,

didn't even know that.

To Anzai,

I said he should go outside.

I said he should start over.

But,

how to start over,

I knew nothing about that.

I was an amateur.

I didn't know people's hearts,

the system,

or how to help.

I was just,

throwing words at him that I thought were right.

Anzai returned

about two weeks later.

He ended up working

a little apart from the others.

He was even quieter than before.

I couldn't bring myself to talk to him.

Whatever I said,

felt like it would just be for my own sake.

A few days later.

On the way back from the workshop,

Anzai walked up beside me.

"You talked, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Even though I told you not to."

"Yes."

"Even about Miura."

"Yes."

"You did something unnecessary."

"Perhaps so."

Anzai looks at me.

"Maybe so?"

"I don't know if it was the right thing to do."

"Then why did you do it?"

I thought about it.

There was no clean answer.

"I didn't want you to die, Anzai-san."

"Whether I die or not is my problem."

"That's true."

"Then..."

"But if I had known and done nothing..."

My words trailed off.

"I thought I would regret it."

Anzai,

laughed as if he were exasperated.

"So, in the end, it was for your own sake?"

"Yes."

Admitting it,

made me feel a little better.

"It wasn't just for your sake, Anzai-san."

"It was for Miura-san's sake, too."

But it is also for my own sake.

Anzai remained silent.

I cannot say that I did the right thing.

I continued.

Just that,

I didn't want Miura-san to be blamed for things he didn't do.

I didn't want to stay silent knowing that Anzai-san might die out there.

That is all.

Anzai,

walked for a while looking ahead.

I hate you.

Yes.

Don't act like you understand.

Yes.

You do unnecessary things.

Yes.

But,

Anzai stopped speaking.

What is it?

It's nothing.

He didn't say anything more than that.

After that,

Anzai had many interviews with the staff.

He also spoke with someone who seemed to be an outside supporter.

I don't know the details.

However,

he stopped intentionally causing trouble like he used to.

Miura also returned to the work crew.

As for what happened with Miura's disciplinary action,

I wasn't told the details.

At the very least,

it didn't seem like he was treated as having threatened and used violence against Anzai.

I didn't try to apologize to Miura,

not even once.

Not apologizing isn't necessarily the right thing to do.

However,

I felt that apologizing repeatedly just to make myself feel better was wrong.

Instead,

when people around me asked about Miura,

I only answered with what I had seen.

I did not see Mr. Miura push Mr. Anzai.

I heard that Mr. Anzai was the one who handed over the soap and the pencil.

I thought I was being threatened, but I hadn't confirmed it.

I repeated that over and over.

The rumors,

did not disappear right away.

A story once spread,

lasts longer than the correction.

I,

learned that for the first time as well.

Anzai's scheduled release date,

in the end, barely changed at all.

There were behavioral issues.

However,

it did not result in a significant delay to his release.

The day Anzai feared most,

was drawing near.

About a week before his release.

Anzai,

had become quieter than before.

He even leaves his meals unfinished.

He didn't seem to be sleeping at night either.

I,

didn't know what to say.

Please do your best.

You'll be fine.

You can start over.

Every one of those words,

felt irresponsible.

On the final day of work.

Anzai,

spoke to me first.

"I've decided where I'm going."

"Where is that?"

"It's a facility where I can stay temporarily."

"I see."

"They say they'll help me look for work, too."

"That's good to hear."

The moment I said that,

Anzai winced.

"What was good about it?"

I,

had decided on the meaning beforehand again.

A place to live has been decided.

So I'm relieved.

So it's solved.

That can't be right.

Anzai's fear hasn't disappeared.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize so quickly."

"Then..."

What should I say?

I thought,

and I asked.

"Are you scared?"

Anzai,

looked a little surprised.

"Yeah."

"Even now?"

"I'm more scared than before."

“Even though your destination has been decided?”

“Exactly because it has been decided.”

Life on the outside,

was no longer just a matter of imagination.

Facilities.

Job hunting.

Strangers.

Days different from the structured life of prison.

For Anzai,

nothing had been resolved.

“If you want to run away,”

I said,

“what will you do?”

“I don't know.”

“Steal?”

“I have no idea.”

“What if you want to come back to prison?”

“I probably will.”

“And yet, you're still leaving.”

Anzai,

He was silent for a while.

"It's not that I want to leave."

"I'm only leaving because I can't stay."

These were not words filled with hope.

However,

Anzai had stopped causing trouble.

Still afraid,

he would go outside.

That was all.

The day of his release.

We, the other inmates,

could not see Anzai off.

Morning came as usual,

and the inspection was conducted.

Only Anzai's spot was empty.

And so,

I knew he had been released.

Around me,

a different topic of conversation started immediately.

In prison,

Even if someone is gone,

the daily routine continues.

Work.

Meals.

Inspections.

In the place where Anzai used to be,

another inmate would eventually take his spot.

I,

thought while looking at Anzai's empty space.

The moment he stepped outside,

what must Anzai have been thinking?

Did he think he had become free?

Did he think he had been abandoned?

Did he stop in fear?

I didn't know.

A few months later,

a short letter,

arrived for me.

The sender was Anzai.

I don't know how he found out my address.

It had been sent through the prison.

There was one sheet of stationery.

There were few words.

I am at the facility.

The work is still continuing.

I thought about running away several times.

I also thought about ways to return to prison.

I haven't stolen anything yet.

That alone is all I can manage.

At the end,

it was written in small letters.

I don't think what you did was right.

But, for now, I am alive.

I,

read that letter many times.

It does not say thank you.

It does not say I forgive you.

It does not say that life on the outside is happy.

It just,

says I am alive.

I haven't stolen anything yet.

That was all.

However,

for Anzai,

that was the best he could do.

I wrote a reply.

At first,

I wrote,

"I am relieved."

I erased it.

I don't know if Anzai is relieved.

Next,

I wrote,

"Please do your best."

I erased that too.

To someone who is already doing their best,

I didn't know what I could tell them to work hard at.

I couldn't write,

"You will get used to life on the outside" either.

There is no guarantee that he will.

I wrote and erased it many times,

and in the end, I left only a short sentence.

Thank you for your letter.

I know you are alive.

I am still here, too.

That was all.

Thinking back on it now,

it was a terribly clumsy letter.

There were no words to encourage the other person.

There was no hope.

However,

at that time,

I couldn't write anything more than that.

I didn't want to turn Anzai's life

into a story that was heading in a good direction.

That he was saved by what I said.

That he connected with a facility

and started his life over.

It wasn't such a clean ending.

Anzai is still suffering.

I want to go back to prison.

I feel the urge to steal.

Even so,

I was living on the outside until that day.

All I could confirm was,

that and nothing more.

Around the time I received Anzai's letter,

I was not yet a detective.

I didn't know how to separate fact from speculation,

nor did I know the art of listening to people.

I looked at Anzai,

and decided he was the victim.

I looked at Miura,

and decided he was the perpetrator.

I thought of myself,

as someone who had realized that.

I was wrong about everything.

However,

even after learning Anzai's true feelings,

I continued to be wrong.

You should just go outside.

You should just start over.

You should just tell the truth.

All of these,

were simple words.

I used to think that human problems,

could be solved by saying the right words.

However,

what Anzai needed,

was not a logical argument.

That said,

it didn't mean I should have just stayed silent and overlooked the lie.

To protect Anzai,

it didn't mean I should let Miura take the blame.

If you try to help someone,

someone else might get hurt.

If you tell the truth,

it doesn't mean everything will turn out for the best.

Back then,

I didn't have the words to understand that complexity.

However,

through a man named Anzai,

I learned for the first time.

People sometimes act in ways that are the opposite of what they desire.

Anzai,

never said he wanted to be free.

Rather,

he was trying to run away from freedom.

But,

just because he wanted to stay in prison,

it didn't mean he liked prison.

He was afraid of the outside world.

He had nowhere to return to.

He didn't know how to live.

To escape from that fear,

he would cause trouble on purpose.

If you only looked at the surface,

he was an inmate who couldn't follow the rules.

A man who showed no remorse.

A repeat offender who had let his guard down before his release.

That's how it looks.

However,

behind his actions,

there was another reason.

After becoming a detective,

every time I saw a subject's inexplicable behavior,

I would remember Anzai.

Why,

would they do such a thing?

Normally,

one wouldn't do that.

Whenever I thought that,

I would consider whether I was imposing my own sense of normalcy onto them.

People,

do not act solely for the benefits we imagine.

To gain money.

To be free.

To be loved.

To be happy.

Behind actions that look like that,

Sometimes, we are actually running away from fear.

To avoid getting hurt,

we sometimes break ourselves first.

Before being abandoned,

we sometimes end relationships ourselves.

There are people who are so afraid of going outside,

that they try to remain in prison.

What happened to Anzai after that,

I do not know.

The letter,

was the only one.

Was he able to keep his job?

Was he able to leave the facility?

Did he contact his daughter?

Did he steal again?

Did he return to prison?

Is he still alive?

I don't know.

If it were the old me,

I would have wanted to know the ending.

I wanted to confirm

if what I did was right.

If Anzai could live on the outside,

then I was right.

If he reoffended,

then what I did was in vain.

Perhaps,

I was trying to use Anzai's life to find my own answer.

However,

Anzai's life

does not exist to prove my righteousness.

I did not save Anzai.

I simply

spoke about what I knew.

As a result,

Anzai connected with support services.

His suspicion toward Miura,

while not completely gone, was corrected.

Beyond that,

it was time that Anzai lived for himself.

Since I became a detective,

I have sometimes been asked this by clients.

"Why would they do such a thing?"

A wife who cheats.

A husband who runs away from his family.

A runaway who won't go home even though they can.

Someone who asks for help,

yet refuses support.

Someone who says they want to be found,

yet hides themselves away.

I,

have stopped giving simple answers to that.

Because they were lonely.

Because they wanted money.

Because they held a grudge against someone.

That might be true.

However,

within the person themselves,

there is something that cannot be explained by that alone.

Human beings are,

Sometimes people act for reasons even they cannot understand.

That is why,

based only on the actions you see,

you must not judge a person entirely.

Anzai,

was the first to teach me that.

Before I met Takano.

I was not yet a detective,

and I did not know how to read people.

However,

inside the prison,

I arbitrarily assigned meaning to the lives of others,

made mistakes,

and while lost,

I learned little by little.

Human beings,

are not as simple as one might think.

And,

the act of helping someone,

is not as easy as saying the right thing.

That was,

the first lesson without an answer that I learned

from a man named Anzai who didn't want to be released.